Help with description

[percguy89]

Okay, first off, I'd like to explain that this peice is from a fiction that i started a while back on the World's Finest board. Recently, I was trying to work on my weak point; description. To practice this, I looked back, and edited the chapter. It's much better than what it was before, but I still have the feeling that it could use much more description........ it could just be my imagination, but I'd like a few other opinions.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

And any tips on how to improve my writing would be equally appreciated.

Here it is.......





"-CHRIS I TOLD YOU TO GO TO TO BED AN HOUR AGO!!!!!!!" rang the voice from the empty hallway.

The asian teenager sat at his desk and put his head in his hands. "God.", he said quietly under his breath, as he rubbed his forehead. "MOM, I TOLD YOU," he said, annoyed at the third interuption by his mother thus far, "I JUST WANT TO FINISH WRITING MY FAN FIC!!!!!!!!!"

"ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO GET INTO ONE OF THOSE SITES I BLOCKED?????!!!!!" his mother inquired.

"NO MOM, I'M JUST WRITING FAN FICTION...."

"THAT'S NOT ILLEGAL IS IT???? THERE'S SO MUCH ILLEGAL STUFF ON THE INTERNET THESE DAYS... LIKE THOSE NASTY SITES"

"MOM I ALREADY EXPLAINED TO YOU WHAT FAN FIC IS....... IT'S A MADE UP STORY...... REMEMBER?????"

"SORRY HONEY, I WAS JUST MAKING SURE......I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS ABOUT THOSE KIDS GETTING INTO THOSE NASTY SITES AND I FOUND OUT THAT MOST OF THEM GROW UP TO BE PERVERTS!!!!!!"

"DON'T WORRY MOM..... I'M NOT A PERVERT...... I'M JUST WRITING A PRETEND STORY, ABOUT THOSE HEROES WE'RE ALWAYS HEARING ABOUT ON THE NEWS......"

"THE JUSTICE LEAGUE?"

The young man sighed as he ran his hand down his face, "NO MOM, THE TEEN TITANS."

"THE WHO?"

The young hero sighed again as he, for what seemed like the millionth time, explained who the titans were, "YOU KNOW MOM......" he pronounced, as he rolled his eyes, "THOSE TEENAGE KIDS WHO FIGHT CRIME, THE ONES WHO ARE ALWAYS ON THE NEWS?????"

"OHHHHHH, THOSE KIDS. THEY SHOULD REALLY BE SUPERVISED, LORD KNOWS WHAT THOSE KIDS DO IN THEIR SPARE TIME..... I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY GREW UP TO BE PERVERTS!!!!!!!"

Sometimes Chris was amazed at what great lengths his mother would go throuhhjany moreFinally the young hero slammed his head against his keyboard, "MOM, THEY'RE NOT LOOKING AT POURN, AND NEITHER AM I..... DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I'LL BE IN MY ROOM AFTER I'M DONE, AND I'M JUST ABOUT FINISHED."

"OKAY CHRIS, BUT JUST BE SURE YOU'RE IN BED IN TEN MINUTES"

"YEAH..... WHATEVER MOM." he said, with a hint of teenage sass.

When the Chris turned back to his computer he noticed that the usual globe that spun in the top right corner of his internet window wasn't moving, and when he moved his mouse, the clicker didn't move.

"Great." he stated angrily, "just...... freaking...... great."

[Scorpio_G]

First I want you to go to this site. http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index.htm This is a good site that will help you brush up on your writing skills and your structure. When I was reading your piece there was one glaring mistake. And I'll demonstrait it for you.

" DONT EVER WRITE IN CAPS WHEN ONE CHARACTER IS SPEAKING!!!!!!!!!!! IT DOES NOT CONVEY EMOTIONS OR THE ACTIONS OF THE SPEAKER......... IT ONLY DISTRACTS THE AUDIANCE AND BREAKS UP THE FLOW OF THE CONVERSATION! AS WELL AS THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BASICLY IT IS NOT NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As well as the excessive puctuation. Dont ever overexcess with exclamation marks and dont have more than 4 periods and that should not be excessive either. Let's see what would happen when I fix everything wrong.


" Don't ever write in caps when one character is speaking! It doesn not convey emotions or the actions of the speaker. It only distracts the audiance and breaks up the flow of the conversation as well as the story! Basicly, It's not needed."

Yes, their might be minor spelling errors in the sentences here and there but see how it makes a world of difference. :) Now I want you to go to your local libary or any libary and check out books ranging from comtemporary literature to classical like Frankenstine or ect. Take notes on how the author describes senery, people, objects, and other aspects. See how the writer uses sentence structure and how the author sets up his stories and paragraphs. See how he put togeather dialogue and look for adj, adv and many writing techniques. This is ususally how many writers better themselves. They read other books, take it and tweak it to their liking. Oh and NO FANFICTION. Real, touchable, actual books. :)

[SilverKnight]

I'd like to agree with everything Scorpio G is saying. There is little need to ever write a word, let alone a sentence, in all caps, so writing line after line of it is killing my eyes. Also, the description is thread-bare; spice it up a bit. Add a little personal flair to it, or something more descriptive than, "The corner of the internet wasn't moving." You used the term 'internet' improperly, implying it was an object when it wasn't. Perhaps, "The icon at the corner of the screen remained frozen," for instance?

However, I'd like to make one different comment:

Simply because it's a book doesn't mean the writing is anywhere near good; just legible. Fanfiction, at least a small sliver of it, is not spawn of the Devil, and those who write them may very well have just as unique and interesting a style as those 'real, touchable books'. Most of it is horrific, but 85% of published books are, too; so, really, the only difference between them is that the books wasted paper. :D If you have a good head on your shoulders, you can easily distinguish the ones you shouldn't be looking at from the ones you should. (And besides, you can look at bad fanfiction as a template of what not to do when writing.)

Oh, and um. It's spelled 'basically'. Just saying. :anime:

But yeah, just keep practicing, look over the styles of writing that personally 'speak to you' and find out why. Your mileage may vary; while I personally like being very descriptive and using imagery, there are others who enjoy quick bursts of narrative and let their dialogue do the talking. The pun, by the way, wasn't intentional. Keep at it; you're willing to learn, so that puts you way ahead of the game. :D