Anthonynotes
12-22-2001, 01:17 AM
....to ease my less-than-lightning-fast modem download speed and such :-)
---
SLAPPY: That's it, I'm stuffin' dynamite down yer pants!
[Slappy lunges forward, but a shield of ice erupts in front of her. It expands into a huge transparent barrier between the good guys and the evil villain.]
SCULDER: [Taking notes] Hmm... telekenetic control of ice. Gotta remember to put that in the case file! [Mulley whacks Sculder over the head.]
FIGURE: Come now, it's a tradition! None of you will learn who I am until the very last possible minute! Now I must leave you to be attacked by more pointless ninja-thugs!
(ANNOUNCER: Historic footnote: the first time the phrase ninja-thug was used in a fanfic...coined by our very own proud writer, Romey!)
(Cut to a shot of Romey...or rather, an empty room. We zoom in on a note left in a chair, reading Out to Class...Do Not Disturb, Bother, or Bring Up This Contribution to the Fanfic Universe...cut back to the story...)
[The figure turns around to exit, but he sees that all the other characters are *RIGHT BEHIND HIM*!!!]
YAKKO: Sorry we had to resort to this, guys, but what else could we do?
AXEL: I suppose it's better than having to fight more of those thugs!
WAKKO: Aww...
PINKY: [Laughing hysterically] *WAHAHAHAHA*! Two places at---[Brain whaps Pinky on the head, shutting him up]
DOT: [Annoyed] Can we get going already?
(DOT: (Sighs) I suppose were going to devote actual space on this DVD to how that dumb gags pulled off?)
(YAKKO: Not until you brought it up, but since you *did*, lets!)
(DOT: (Puts her face into her hands, and moans))
(WAKKO: And doing the honors is gonna be...Brain and Billie!)
(Cut to ACME Labs once more...we see that our two genius mice are seated in front of a pile of papers loaded with calculations...both look exhausted. Pinkys heard rustling beneath the papers, giggling sporadically.)
(BRAIN: (Fur still thoroughly tussled) OK, so maybe your experience in black hole equations *partially* aided in trying to conclude what our origins are...)
(BILLIE: (Fur also thoroughly messed up) Well, Mr. space-time continuum expert, Ive brought in someone whos used to having his very origins retold beyond recognition...if he cant help us, no one can! Come on in!)
(We see enter the room SUPERMAN...)
(BRAIN: Hmph...the Man of Steel. Let me guess: youre going to tell us that we should be used to having muddled origins, given your experience in an industry where writing on a third-grade literacy levels considered prizeworthy?)
(SUPERMAN: Well, something like that...though I thought I was going to be here for a DVD feature on the usefulness of space-time distortion tricks when fighting villains.)
(BRAIN: (Shudders at the thought) I think not...especially with this more pressing debate on hand.)
(SUPERMAN: But itd only take a minute...)
(BRAIN: Not now...(walks away from Superman, but sees that hes suddenly standing right in front of him. Brain screams, while we hear the sound of Pinky laughing at this from off-screen...)
(SUPERMAN: See? With super-speed, it only took...a...moment. (Sees Brain looking furious) *Ahem*...well, then...)
(BRAIN: (Irate) Enough of this nonsense! Now that that idiocys out of the way, tell us your one, true, cohesive origin story so that I may prove my point to a certain misguided mouse...)
(SUPERMAN: Well, as you know, I was born on the planet Krypton, and launched to Earth as a baby when my home world blew up and no one heeded my biological fathers warnings of doom. Landed on Earth, gained superpowers under Earths yellow sun and lighter gravitational pull, etc...and here I am!)
(PINKY: (Head poking out from papers) HAHAHA...ooh, that gags still really funny...uh, wait, now I remember what I wanted to say...dont you remember when we found you as a baby? Oh, you were the cutest thing! Too bad you didnt like Baloney...)
(SUPERMAN: (Scratches his head) How can that be?! I landed on Earth around 30 years ago...Baloney couldnt have been on the air *then*!)
(PINKY: Well, maybe Brain used the labs personal computer to put it on the TV screen and...)
(SUPERMAN: *Personal computer*?! Not that many years ago...mustve been an experimental object of the labs or something...either that, or you guys truly *dont* age normally, like I expected. Between the time travel and such...like that time we saw each other when I was a baby...and a teenager...)
(BILLIE: Wait...what about your 60-plus years of comic book history?! With all those re-tellings of your origin story where the details keep changing? Besides, you *couldnt* have been a baby 30 years ago if you were created in the 1930s... I guess *you* dont age normally either, do you?)
(SUPERMAN: Um...youll have to ask DC Comics about that one, I suppose...between all the rewrites of my origins, the handwaving, and the use of parallel Earths and alternate timelines as a continuity explanation point, even *I* get confused...)
(PINKY: You dont really have an answer to give us, then, do you? POIT!)
(SUPERMAN: (Frowns) Um...er...*no*.)
(BILLIE: (Rubbing the sides of her forehead) Sorry we called you in here, then...um...care to give another demonstration of space-time distortion tricks before you leave? (Brain does a quick-flare temper buildup, a la his irate appearance in the PatB title scene) Er, never mind...)
(SUPERMAN: Thats OK, Miss Billie...besides, Ive, er, got a few things to think about... (Walks out, muttering But the *Kents* found me first...but the mice claim to have been there first...and how *could* Brain have used a computer 30 years ago?!? (Grips the sides of his head) My head hurts...)
(PINKY: Never thought Id hear Superman say *that*, NARF!)
(BRAIN: Gah! What a waste of time...that settled *nothing*!)
(BILLIE: No kiddin...)
(Both genius mice stare at each other briefly, before resuming their argument over their origins...Pinky dives back into the papers, and swims through them while giggling all the while.)
ARNOLD: Now ve have you cornered, Mista Evil person! Prepare to be terminated!
SNOW MISER: Now *I'll* put the freeze on *you*!
[Brain moans.]
FIGURE: Let's see you try!
[Another ice barrier erupts between him and the heroes.]
FLASH: Stand back, I'm going to molecularly vibrate through the ice!
(YAKKO: And violate about a half-dozen laws of physics in the process...)
[The figure snaps his fingers: The ice at Flash's feet gives way, and he plunges into the cold Arctic water. Plastic Man jumps in to save him.]
(DOT: Guess the other writers werent as big of superhero fanboys as Brainatra is, with the way Flash keeps getting sidelined...)
FIGURE: Now I wish you all farewell!
[The figure pulls out a remote with a big red button on it. The hovering probe which the mice saw earlier crashes through the ceiling. The figure grabs it and is lifted to safety. Once he's gone, the toys teleport out of the room.]
TIM: Hey guys?
EVERYONE: Yeeeees?!
TIM: I've been checking out the architecture of this place, and I don't think it's stable anymore...
[Everything begins to shake.]
BILLIE: Nobody panic! I have a plan...
ELFY: [Cheerful] Does it involve me singing again?
BILLIE: *NO!!!*
[The ice barriers the figure made all crack away due to the room's caving in.]
BILLIE: My plan is pretty simple, actually...is the Flash out of the water yet?
[Pan over to see that both Plas and the Flash are finally out of the water; both heroes look rather chilled.]
FLASH: T-thanks, Plas...
PLAS: Ah, don't mention it, Speedy!
BILLIE: Flash, I need you to vibrate your molecular structure again, with all of us holding hands as before! Warners, I also need you to do that amusing "two places at once" bit while Flash is vibrating, and Elfy, we need you to use your [Rolls her eyes] "Christmas magic"!
DOT: [Sighs, and rolls her eyes] Sure, why not? At least it'll only be the *third* time that tired gag's been done in this thing...
FLASH: No problem!
ELFY: OK! [Laughs oddly.]
[The ceiling continues to crumble, as all hold hands as before. Concurrently, we see the Flash is vibrating his molecular structure, "magical sparks" flying off of Elfy, and the Warners gritting their teeth in attempting to perform that repetitive spatial distortion trick. An odd glowing surrounds the group, as finallly the ceiling completely caves in. The group vanishes, just as the ceiling's remains hit the room's floor. Cut to the Arctic tundra outside, where we see the group rematerialize several yards away from the villain's caved-in lair. We also see the various snowmobiles, as well as the Freakmobile, present. Flash, Elfy, and the Warners all cease the usage of their trademark powers.]
FLASH: We made it!
F!: Yeah! But *how*?!
(YAKKO: Through really contrived writing and bad pseudo-science?)
BILLIE: I figured that a combination of Flash's vibratory powers, Elfy's magical materialization capacities, and the Warners' localized "two places at once" spatial distortion stunt would easily enable us to perform a minor teleportation function, as just seen! Simple, huh?
(YAKKO: What I said.)
F!: Ummm.....yeah. Come on, everyone, let's get going!
ELFY: I suppose I'd better get started again...[Elfy stuffs the yellow cloth back in his mouth, and begins beeping again. Yakko takes hold of him as before.]
YAKKO: Once more unto the breach! So to speak...
[The multiple cross-company-copyright-violating gathering of characters take off once more...cut to the mice.]
(YAKKO: Did we ever settle those multiple cross-company-copyright-violation lawsuits?)
(WAKKO: I took care of it!)
(DOT: Belching in their faces at top volume isnt gonna stop *lawyers*, Wakko...theyre a pretty hardy breed of...um...whatever they ares.)
(WAKKO: Oh.)
PINKY: Um, any idea who the villain might be, Brain? POIT!
BRAIN: Not really; though with the technology being used, including teleportation, being able to cull up shields of ice on a whim, and being able to obscure his personal features so that we couldn't see exactly who he was, the villain must have massive technological resources to draw from, or has connections to people with such resources!
BILLIE: But who could that be?
BRAIN: I'm not sure, but I have a sneaking hunch who it might be...
YAKKO: Hold it, everyone!
[The group all come to a sudden stop.]
ARNOLD: Vhy are ve stopping, little puppy-child?
YAKKO: I think Elfy's found something!
SLAPPY: Talent?
BRAIN: A real name?
AXEL: A personality?
YAKKO: Noooo...*that*!
[Yakko points ahead; we see what appears to be yet another cliched-looking villains' hideout, in the middle of the tundra.]
DOT: [Groan] Not again!
YAKKO: No, not that! *THAT!* [Points to the right of the building, where there's an alien ship sitting.]
FLASH: Oh my heavens. . .
(DOT: Aliens...in a *Christmas special*...you know, guys, these writers of ours sure are imaginative. I mean, most other fanfic writers would just feature us uncharacteristically obsessed with swearing and getting married in such fan-written stories, but not *these* guys...)
(YAKKO: Way to lay on the sarcasm, Dot...)
(DOT: Sorry...long story. (Pauses, then whips out a coffee from nowhere, and guzzles it down. Wakko looks longingly at it, before sighing))
SLAPPY: Alright, no time to gape now, guys! Let's break inta that ship and get the goods, already!
BRAIN: [Surprised] Why, Slappy! Usually you just sit around and grumble in these things! Why this sudden take-control nature?
SLAPPY: Take control nothin'! I'm missin' a special Christmas episode of 'Springer,' an' my bunions are killin' me! I wanta get this thing over with and go home! [Begins pounding on the door.]
SKIPPY: Oh, no, I think Aunt Slappy's lost it!
AXEL: I [bleep]in' hope not! The last [bleep]in' thing we need right now is a recap of that "One Flew Over the Cukoo Clock" [bleep]!
SLAPPY: Don't worry, I ain't lost it. . .
SCULDER: Stand back, Ms. Squirrel! UFO's are *MY* specialty! I'll find the way in! [He searches around for a few moments. Beside the door, there's one giant red button. He contemplates for a moment then pushes it, opening the door.]
SLAPPY: Brilliant. . .
MULLY: Well, let's go then! [The gang walks inside the ship. Inside, it's rather dark. They look around fearfully. Suddenly, a huge hulking thing walks out of the shadows. They're all scared stiff---but it's only Mo-Ron, from F!.]
MO-RON: [Speaking in his usual Stan Freberg voice.] Gaaahhhhh. . .I. . .am Mo-Ron. . .I have an important message for all mankind. . .
FREAKAZOID: Whoa, whoa, fella, you're ruining the mood! You're not even in this special! [Mo-Ron looks a bit dejected.] Awww. . .tell ya what, when all this is over, we'll go fer some mints together, OK?
MO-RON: 'K! [Walks off.]
[Everyone stares oddly at the Freak for a moment, then continues. They step into a larger room. Here, we see Eros & Tanna from "Plan 9 from Outer Space."]
TANNA: Eros, must we kill the humans? It seems such a waste!
EROS: Yes, Tanna. All the Earthlings care about is becoming stronger. Them and their stupid mortal minds! Stupid! Stupid! STUPID! [Noting our heroes for the first time.] And who are *YOU*?!
BRAIN: We have come to see whoever is behind the stealing of the toys from Santa's sleigh!
DOT: Oh, right, this is a *CHRISTMAS* special. . .I'd forgotten about that. . .
EROS: You cannot see the Ruler! No one gets in to see the Ruler!
[Freakazoid "freaks" into a Dorothy outfit.]
FREAKAZOID: But I'm Dorothy! The Witch's Dorothy!
[Eros looks rather bewildered.]
ARNOLD: Enuff! It ees time to take ak-shun, you wimpy cross-dressing mama's boy! [Slugs Eros.]
TANNA: Stop! Stop!!
ARNOLD: Stay out of this, little girly girl! My daddy told me never to hit a girl!
DOT: Then I'll do it! [Pops out a mallet and smashes the female alien to the floor.]
TIM: Onward, to glory!
(YAKKO: And to a TV-Y7 rating for fantasy violence...)
(DOT: Hey, that wasnt fantasy violence, it was gripping dramatic action! (Pauses) That or a cheap violent sight gag....)
BILLIE: Er. . .right. . .Mr. Sculder, can you figure out how to open the door?
BRAIN: Oh, what does he know---one side, my friend! [Jumps up on the control board that Sculder is looking at. He types in a bunch of keys. A large boxing glove pops out and smashes him.] [Beat up.] All yours. . .
[Sculder types in a random sequence of numbers. The message says, "ACCESS DENIED / TENGA ACCESO NEGADO / ACCEDEZ NIE / ACCESSYAY ENIEDDAY" He tries again, and this time it says "ACCESS GRANTED. HAVE A NICE DAY. / ACCESO CONCEDIDO. TENGA UN DIA AGRADABLE. / ACCES ACCORDE. AYEZ UN JOUR AGREABLE. / ACCESSYAY ANTEDGRAY. AVEHAY AYAY ICENAY AYDAY." Sculder grins at Mully, who stares unbelievingly. The door to the main room opens.]
(Cut to another tidbit with Craig...)
(CRAIG: Feh...stupid Brainatra. I thought he was going to salvage the accent marks in this part. But he *didnt*...and now, Ill feel the shame of this decision for as long as this story exists! Which could be a real long time...I mean, anything posted on the Internet gets sucked in and stays there...*forever*...and *ever*...and *ever*... (Panicks) AAAAH! Whyd I write all those goofy postings for the past 3 years?!? *WHY*?! (Turns to his computer) Delete...*DELETE*!)
[They all enter the room. Inside, it's pitch dark. It slides shut behind them.]
FIGURE: [At a desk in the shadows.] So, you have found my *TRUE* hideaway. Yes, this is the *REAL* one! No more stupid cliched tricks, I swear! Well, maybe one or two---but that's it! [Darkly] At any rate, let me just tell you that not one person who has ever entered here has come out alive.
WAKKO: What about you?
FIGURE: Well, aside from me. . .
DOT: But we don't even know who you are!
YAKKO: Yeah, you could be *ANYBODY*!
FIGURE: ENOUGH! I wasn't planning on you arriving here like this. But I did take the precaution, in case you did, to---
ELFY: [Out of nowhere.] YYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! I'VE. . .GOT. . .TO. . .BREAK INTO SONG!
[Elfy suddenly begins singing. He's transported to a snowy wonderland, and as he sings, we see shots of him doing the various actions he sings about.]
ELFY: [Singing] There's no business like snow business
Like no business I know!
Throwing snowballs can be so appealing!
Making angels in the road when traffic's nil!
I just wish it could last forever!
I know I'll never
Get my fill!
There's no people like snowpeople
You build 'em, then knock 'em down!
When you steal your father's favorite hat
You know that
He'll look divine!
And even though you're freezing, it's minus 30
Your hands are dirty
You stay out in the snoooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!
Now let's goooooooooooo oooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn with theeeeeeeeeeeeee shooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
[Elfy returns to the villain's room magically. The general reaction of everyone in the room is staring at Elfy in a slack-jawed manner; Slappy looks incredibly annoyed, and the Warners, Skippy, Pinky, and Freakazoid do that innocuously cute big eye thing as they admire the elf's magic in pure wonder.]
SLAPPY: [Snapping everyone out of their trances.] Yeah, c'mon, let's git on with the show already! Sheesh. . .
FIGURE: Well, despite that pointless musical interlude, I'm afraid I must still do away with you. . .so. . .
[The figure pulls another remote device out from behind him. He pushes the big shiny red button on it. Warning sirens and flashing lights go into full effect as the room seals itself shut.]
FIGURE: Now I'm afraid I must go complete my evil scheme! I hope you enjoy your last moments on this world!
SLAPPY: [Pulls out a bulky legal document] Eh-hem! As sick as we all are of these stupid cliches, you're still contractually bound to reveal your plan before disposing of us, y'know!
FIGURE: And what are you going to do about it? Call your lawyer? Ha ha ha!
[The figure vanishes into nothingness.]
BRAIN: Nobody panic! We can get out of this like we did last time! Flash, Elfy, Warners, are you ready?
BILLIE: Wait!
BRAIN: What?
BILLIE: The metallic structure of this ship would scramble the teleportation field. We'd never survive!
PINKY: But umm... didn't that mysterious figure teleport out of here?
BILLIE: How *he* did that is a task for Sculder over there...
(YAKKO: Or another Brainatra-patented pseudo-science technobabble filled explanation...)
(Cut to Brainatra...)
(BRAINATRA: OK, I admit it, that reason was pretty stupid...as if the Flash alone didnt have a frightening power level as it was...though no dumber than that two places at once bit, I guess...or singing magic elves...or that stupid rotton eggnog line...or the idea of an Eddie Murphy movie character sharing screentime with three Warners cartoon characters and bringing on the Apocalypse by swearing and being obnoxious...but anyway, Im sure that the master villains transporter was designed to be the only teleportation means capable of breaching the ships metallic structure. End of explanation. (Pauses) Um...or something.)
SCULDER: I'll figure it out once we're safe outside, but right I think we have *bigger* concerns. Big, yellow concerns, that is.
(YAKKO: Hey, not *Big Bird*, too!)
(DOT: Besides, the Muppets already *had* their obtrusive cameos!)
MULLEY: Big "yellow" concerns? I think you need to lay off the sunflower seeds, Sculder...
DOT: No, he's right! *LOOK*!
[A door to the room has opened. Standing in the doorway is a giant yellow...]
YAKKO: Oh, no, it's...!
WAKKO: It's horrible!
DOT: It's ten feet tall!
TIM: It's big and plush!
FLASH: It's cute!
PLASTIC MAN: It's shocking!
ARNOLD: Eets on every keeds most vanted list!
SLAPPY: It's...eeeh, what da heck *is* that thing?
ELFY: Wait a sec! *I* know what it is! [He stuffs the yellow piece of cloth in his mouth, and begins to beep uncontrolably.] It's one of the stolen toys! But it's the one we probably should have known better than to make!
[The giant mechanical toy steps forward; we see that it's a robotic Pikachu doll. It emits a peculiar ticking sound.]
TOY: Piiiiiiiiiika?!
(WAKKO: I think Id rather see Big Bird... (his sibs nod))
AXEL: [Bleep]us [bleep], it's a giant [bleep]ing Pikachu! Those sons-of-[bleep]s!
ELFY: [Annoyed] Hey! Watch who you're callling...that phrase. Besides, it's not our fault every kid in the United States and Japan's been asking for that toy this year!
BRAIN: Not to mention the dubiousness of using Christ's name in vain in a *Christmas* special...do you want all those people who came down on your "P.J."'s show to come down on *this* special and *completely* destroy what little hope we had for "Wakko's Wish" to sell?
(YAKKO: Well, with the sales of that thing, I kind of doubt even Mr. Potty-Mouth couldve hurt it more than it already was....)
AXEL: [Pouts] Sorry; but it's just that I [bleep]ing hate P*k*mon!
DOT: Don't we all...
YAKKO: Hey, what's that ticking sound?
[A quick pan around the doll reveals that a bomb is located in the doll's back.]
PINKY: It's a bomb!
SLAPPY: Just like this endless special is!
DOT: OH NO! We're going to die!
[Suddenly, a figure bearing more than a passive resemblence to Mike Myers materializes out of nowhere in front of the heroes; it's Austin Powers!]
AUSTIN: Good thing that shaggy teleportation device I "borrowed" from Dr. Evil's lair worked, or I'd be shagged, like shagadelic, baby!
BRAIN: Great, more over-used catchprases!
DOT: And also nice to see that some stupid James Bond parody character is able to transport through that wall, but not *us* . . .
(Cut to Brainatra once more...hes engrossed in a copy of the Superman In the Seventies trade paperback....)
(BRAINATRA: Dont look at me, bubs...ask Capt. Caps for how Wayne there pulled off that teleportation trick... (goes back to his book))
(Cut to Capt. Caps, in his room at home...we see a turntable playing the soundtrack from Teen Wolf in the background...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Well, I thought Austin Powers was funny! Besides, its no dumber than that Flash cameo...at least more than six people actually know who *Austin Powers* is, unlike that Flash guy...)
(BRAINATRA: (Off-screen) HEY!)
AUSTIN: Yeah, baby, yeah! Biggie Smalls, ladies and gentlemen!
[Cut to Wakko at a set of drums, doing a rim shot, then cut back to Austin.]
AUSTIN: You're probably wondering what I'm doing here, right?
AXEL: Great, another [bleep]ing SNL castmember! Can't I escape them? [To Austin] Yeah, what the [bleep] are you doing here?
AUSTIN: All my groovy merchandise has been stolen, baby! So that means that there won't be any little kids this Christmas with dolls spouting randy overused catchprases!
You don't suppose that Dr. Evil has anything to do with this, do you?
[All of a sudden, Dr. Evil walks up from behind the heroes, who all scream.]
DR. EVIL: [To Austin] No, you twit! I don't have anything to do with this! My merchandise has been stolen also! And I was fortunate to be able to use my transportation device to follow you here, before that "self-destruct" device you attached to it went off! Anyway, if my merchandise was still in my lair, the sales would've totaled...
AXEL: One million [bleep]ing dollars! Yeah, we know the drill! Welcome to this [bleep]ing mission...now let's defuse the bomb! [To Slappy] Slappy, ya wanna defuse it for us? You're an expert on bombs!
SLAPPY: So would anyone else who's seen your performance in "Harlem Nights", heh...
(DOT: Or Life...)
(WAKKO: Or Vampire in Brooklyn...)
(YAKKO: Or half these fanfics to date....)
[Axel glares at Slappy. Slappy walks over to behind the giant Pikachu doll, and pulls on a few red wires. The doll teeters to a stop.]
SLAPPY: A cinch...it's always the red wire in these things!
DOT: Red? You sure you don't mean blue?
SLAPPY: Of course not! [Suddely, the giant doll jerks back to life, only it looks *really* angry; its eye begin to glow a fiery red.]
SLAPPY: Errr....or maybe it *was* blue. [Gulps.]
TIM: What'll we do now?
YAKKO: I know! How about the two fugitives from a James Bond knockoff take 'im on? [Yakko wiggles his eyebrows at the camera.]
AUSTIN: Um...sure, groove-a-delic little puppy-kid, why not?
YAKKO: [Looking perplexed] "Groove-a-delic"? You don't get out much, do you?
AUSTIN: [Glumly] Um, *no* . . . but anyway, let's give it a go, Doc!
DR. EVIL: [Sighs] Oh, very well . . .
[The two James Bond parody characters charge towards the giant Pikachu doll; however, the doll swings its tail at the two, and jolts the duo with a few zillion watts of electricity. An explosion occurs, sending the two characters hurtling through the ceiling, a la "Team Rocket", screaming "Austin Powers will be back in 'Never Say Shaggadellic Agaiiiiinnnn!'", before vanishing out of sight.]
DOT: Guess that's *one* way to get rid of extraneous characters...the writer must not be that big of an "Austin Powers" fan...
[Zip pan to Brainatra, who's at home editing this story on his computer; "60 Minutes" plays in the background on his TV.]
BRAINATRA: What can I say? Besides, I liked "Wayne's World" a lot more than "Austin Powers", anyway... [Brainatra continues typing, but notes that Andy Rooney's on the TV, griping about something or other. Brainatra makes a face, then presses a few buttons on his keyboard; Slappy shows up on the TV screen. She hands Andy Rooney a bomb. Rooney fumbles it around, before the bomb explodes, leaving Rooney in a dazed and confused state. Brainatra chuckles, and goes back to typing...zip pan back to the "action".]
(Cut to Capt. Caps again....hes now seated with Mikey and Sheryl of ninja-thug fame...)
(CAPT. CAPS: What the heck?! Brainatra says he doesnt even *like* P*kemon, yet how does he get rid of Austin and Dr. Evil?)
(MIKEY: By pullin that Team Rocket (bleep) he keeps pullin on *me*...stupid!)
(SHERYL: Wont even touch on how were much better than that gang that showed up in this thing...or how much better *I* am, anyway. (To Mikey) Mr. Bigshot Volvo Owner here woudlnt know an original attack move if it hit him upside the head...)
(MIKEY: Oh, *yeah*?! I couldve taken those guys on single handed! Without help from some Madonna wanna-be..)
(SHERYL: WHAT?! Why, I oughta...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Well, why dont we find out whos the better ninja-thug? Come on in, guys!)
(We see entering Caps room Rico, Whitey, and Dre...Mikey and Sheryl eye the former gang members with suspicion)
(DRE: What the (bleep) is this?! Those two losers that did that Team Rocket at that awards show? (The ex-cons begin laughing))
(SHERYL: Hey, dont laugh at me! It was all that Brain...ita...whoever...guys fault! Besides, I lasted a lot longer than you guys! How come Caps didnt even bring you back in any other stories, huh?)
(MIKEY: Hey, Im *all* that, and more...while you guys look like a bunch of rejects from the road crew for *Warrant*...)
(RICO: Hey, man...youre gonna pay for that!)
(MIKEY: With *what*? You gonna *slash my tires*?! (Mikey begins shaking in fear) Oh, no, I know....youre gonna sick your unused-in-this-story pit bulls?! Bet you dont even *have* pit bulls! Probably just a *chihuahua*...)
(WHITEY: Hey, we mightve got rid of em when we reformed, but those pit bulls were *real*, Mr. Cant-Keep-A-Relationship-together...)
(RICO & DRE: *Oooooooh*....)
(SHERYL: With a guy whose idea of a romantic night out was the drive-thru at M*ckeyDs, no wonder...)
(MIKEY: Hey, I bought you the Extra-Sized Value meal! What other guy wouldve done *that*?!)
(SHERYL: Ugh! Im outa here...later, Caps! (Sheryl exits))
(MIKEY: Thats it, man..youre gonna *pay*! (Whips out a wire-wrapped brick) See this? A *real* weapon! Not some (bleep)in switchblade...)
(DRE: Oh, thats it....its on!)
(The gang members break out their switchblades, and move in towards Mikey...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Uh, guys...? Erm...I thought you quit being gang types...)
(DRE: Yeah man, but our *honors* are at stake! Besides, we can take this guy on!)
(MIKEY: Oh, yeah? Ill just call in a few backup... yo, cmon in here!)
(We see entering the room two other guys, both carrying wire-wrapped bricks)
(GUY: Hey, man...were here!)
(DRE: Ooooh, friends of yours, huh? Well, fine with us...makes it that much more interestin!)
(GUY #2: Hey, man, uh...is Sheryl around anywhere? I mean, I know you two arent together anymore and all, but weve been friends for awhile, man, and I, er, just was wonderin... (Wiggles his eyebrows))
(MIKEY: (Flatly) Dont *ask*...just start attackin these (bleep)s, OK?)
GUY #2: Uh...all right! (The two groups move towards each other...Capt. Caps turns to the camera looking deeply worried...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Great...a Final Confrontation *and* a ninja-thug fight scene rolled into one...neither of which even *remotely* belongs on a DVD as an extra feature...(we see someone grab Caps by the neck, and yank him into the middle of a fight cloud... cut back to the storys action...))
---
SLAPPY: That's it, I'm stuffin' dynamite down yer pants!
[Slappy lunges forward, but a shield of ice erupts in front of her. It expands into a huge transparent barrier between the good guys and the evil villain.]
SCULDER: [Taking notes] Hmm... telekenetic control of ice. Gotta remember to put that in the case file! [Mulley whacks Sculder over the head.]
FIGURE: Come now, it's a tradition! None of you will learn who I am until the very last possible minute! Now I must leave you to be attacked by more pointless ninja-thugs!
(ANNOUNCER: Historic footnote: the first time the phrase ninja-thug was used in a fanfic...coined by our very own proud writer, Romey!)
(Cut to a shot of Romey...or rather, an empty room. We zoom in on a note left in a chair, reading Out to Class...Do Not Disturb, Bother, or Bring Up This Contribution to the Fanfic Universe...cut back to the story...)
[The figure turns around to exit, but he sees that all the other characters are *RIGHT BEHIND HIM*!!!]
YAKKO: Sorry we had to resort to this, guys, but what else could we do?
AXEL: I suppose it's better than having to fight more of those thugs!
WAKKO: Aww...
PINKY: [Laughing hysterically] *WAHAHAHAHA*! Two places at---[Brain whaps Pinky on the head, shutting him up]
DOT: [Annoyed] Can we get going already?
(DOT: (Sighs) I suppose were going to devote actual space on this DVD to how that dumb gags pulled off?)
(YAKKO: Not until you brought it up, but since you *did*, lets!)
(DOT: (Puts her face into her hands, and moans))
(WAKKO: And doing the honors is gonna be...Brain and Billie!)
(Cut to ACME Labs once more...we see that our two genius mice are seated in front of a pile of papers loaded with calculations...both look exhausted. Pinkys heard rustling beneath the papers, giggling sporadically.)
(BRAIN: (Fur still thoroughly tussled) OK, so maybe your experience in black hole equations *partially* aided in trying to conclude what our origins are...)
(BILLIE: (Fur also thoroughly messed up) Well, Mr. space-time continuum expert, Ive brought in someone whos used to having his very origins retold beyond recognition...if he cant help us, no one can! Come on in!)
(We see enter the room SUPERMAN...)
(BRAIN: Hmph...the Man of Steel. Let me guess: youre going to tell us that we should be used to having muddled origins, given your experience in an industry where writing on a third-grade literacy levels considered prizeworthy?)
(SUPERMAN: Well, something like that...though I thought I was going to be here for a DVD feature on the usefulness of space-time distortion tricks when fighting villains.)
(BRAIN: (Shudders at the thought) I think not...especially with this more pressing debate on hand.)
(SUPERMAN: But itd only take a minute...)
(BRAIN: Not now...(walks away from Superman, but sees that hes suddenly standing right in front of him. Brain screams, while we hear the sound of Pinky laughing at this from off-screen...)
(SUPERMAN: See? With super-speed, it only took...a...moment. (Sees Brain looking furious) *Ahem*...well, then...)
(BRAIN: (Irate) Enough of this nonsense! Now that that idiocys out of the way, tell us your one, true, cohesive origin story so that I may prove my point to a certain misguided mouse...)
(SUPERMAN: Well, as you know, I was born on the planet Krypton, and launched to Earth as a baby when my home world blew up and no one heeded my biological fathers warnings of doom. Landed on Earth, gained superpowers under Earths yellow sun and lighter gravitational pull, etc...and here I am!)
(PINKY: (Head poking out from papers) HAHAHA...ooh, that gags still really funny...uh, wait, now I remember what I wanted to say...dont you remember when we found you as a baby? Oh, you were the cutest thing! Too bad you didnt like Baloney...)
(SUPERMAN: (Scratches his head) How can that be?! I landed on Earth around 30 years ago...Baloney couldnt have been on the air *then*!)
(PINKY: Well, maybe Brain used the labs personal computer to put it on the TV screen and...)
(SUPERMAN: *Personal computer*?! Not that many years ago...mustve been an experimental object of the labs or something...either that, or you guys truly *dont* age normally, like I expected. Between the time travel and such...like that time we saw each other when I was a baby...and a teenager...)
(BILLIE: Wait...what about your 60-plus years of comic book history?! With all those re-tellings of your origin story where the details keep changing? Besides, you *couldnt* have been a baby 30 years ago if you were created in the 1930s... I guess *you* dont age normally either, do you?)
(SUPERMAN: Um...youll have to ask DC Comics about that one, I suppose...between all the rewrites of my origins, the handwaving, and the use of parallel Earths and alternate timelines as a continuity explanation point, even *I* get confused...)
(PINKY: You dont really have an answer to give us, then, do you? POIT!)
(SUPERMAN: (Frowns) Um...er...*no*.)
(BILLIE: (Rubbing the sides of her forehead) Sorry we called you in here, then...um...care to give another demonstration of space-time distortion tricks before you leave? (Brain does a quick-flare temper buildup, a la his irate appearance in the PatB title scene) Er, never mind...)
(SUPERMAN: Thats OK, Miss Billie...besides, Ive, er, got a few things to think about... (Walks out, muttering But the *Kents* found me first...but the mice claim to have been there first...and how *could* Brain have used a computer 30 years ago?!? (Grips the sides of his head) My head hurts...)
(PINKY: Never thought Id hear Superman say *that*, NARF!)
(BRAIN: Gah! What a waste of time...that settled *nothing*!)
(BILLIE: No kiddin...)
(Both genius mice stare at each other briefly, before resuming their argument over their origins...Pinky dives back into the papers, and swims through them while giggling all the while.)
ARNOLD: Now ve have you cornered, Mista Evil person! Prepare to be terminated!
SNOW MISER: Now *I'll* put the freeze on *you*!
[Brain moans.]
FIGURE: Let's see you try!
[Another ice barrier erupts between him and the heroes.]
FLASH: Stand back, I'm going to molecularly vibrate through the ice!
(YAKKO: And violate about a half-dozen laws of physics in the process...)
[The figure snaps his fingers: The ice at Flash's feet gives way, and he plunges into the cold Arctic water. Plastic Man jumps in to save him.]
(DOT: Guess the other writers werent as big of superhero fanboys as Brainatra is, with the way Flash keeps getting sidelined...)
FIGURE: Now I wish you all farewell!
[The figure pulls out a remote with a big red button on it. The hovering probe which the mice saw earlier crashes through the ceiling. The figure grabs it and is lifted to safety. Once he's gone, the toys teleport out of the room.]
TIM: Hey guys?
EVERYONE: Yeeeees?!
TIM: I've been checking out the architecture of this place, and I don't think it's stable anymore...
[Everything begins to shake.]
BILLIE: Nobody panic! I have a plan...
ELFY: [Cheerful] Does it involve me singing again?
BILLIE: *NO!!!*
[The ice barriers the figure made all crack away due to the room's caving in.]
BILLIE: My plan is pretty simple, actually...is the Flash out of the water yet?
[Pan over to see that both Plas and the Flash are finally out of the water; both heroes look rather chilled.]
FLASH: T-thanks, Plas...
PLAS: Ah, don't mention it, Speedy!
BILLIE: Flash, I need you to vibrate your molecular structure again, with all of us holding hands as before! Warners, I also need you to do that amusing "two places at once" bit while Flash is vibrating, and Elfy, we need you to use your [Rolls her eyes] "Christmas magic"!
DOT: [Sighs, and rolls her eyes] Sure, why not? At least it'll only be the *third* time that tired gag's been done in this thing...
FLASH: No problem!
ELFY: OK! [Laughs oddly.]
[The ceiling continues to crumble, as all hold hands as before. Concurrently, we see the Flash is vibrating his molecular structure, "magical sparks" flying off of Elfy, and the Warners gritting their teeth in attempting to perform that repetitive spatial distortion trick. An odd glowing surrounds the group, as finallly the ceiling completely caves in. The group vanishes, just as the ceiling's remains hit the room's floor. Cut to the Arctic tundra outside, where we see the group rematerialize several yards away from the villain's caved-in lair. We also see the various snowmobiles, as well as the Freakmobile, present. Flash, Elfy, and the Warners all cease the usage of their trademark powers.]
FLASH: We made it!
F!: Yeah! But *how*?!
(YAKKO: Through really contrived writing and bad pseudo-science?)
BILLIE: I figured that a combination of Flash's vibratory powers, Elfy's magical materialization capacities, and the Warners' localized "two places at once" spatial distortion stunt would easily enable us to perform a minor teleportation function, as just seen! Simple, huh?
(YAKKO: What I said.)
F!: Ummm.....yeah. Come on, everyone, let's get going!
ELFY: I suppose I'd better get started again...[Elfy stuffs the yellow cloth back in his mouth, and begins beeping again. Yakko takes hold of him as before.]
YAKKO: Once more unto the breach! So to speak...
[The multiple cross-company-copyright-violating gathering of characters take off once more...cut to the mice.]
(YAKKO: Did we ever settle those multiple cross-company-copyright-violation lawsuits?)
(WAKKO: I took care of it!)
(DOT: Belching in their faces at top volume isnt gonna stop *lawyers*, Wakko...theyre a pretty hardy breed of...um...whatever they ares.)
(WAKKO: Oh.)
PINKY: Um, any idea who the villain might be, Brain? POIT!
BRAIN: Not really; though with the technology being used, including teleportation, being able to cull up shields of ice on a whim, and being able to obscure his personal features so that we couldn't see exactly who he was, the villain must have massive technological resources to draw from, or has connections to people with such resources!
BILLIE: But who could that be?
BRAIN: I'm not sure, but I have a sneaking hunch who it might be...
YAKKO: Hold it, everyone!
[The group all come to a sudden stop.]
ARNOLD: Vhy are ve stopping, little puppy-child?
YAKKO: I think Elfy's found something!
SLAPPY: Talent?
BRAIN: A real name?
AXEL: A personality?
YAKKO: Noooo...*that*!
[Yakko points ahead; we see what appears to be yet another cliched-looking villains' hideout, in the middle of the tundra.]
DOT: [Groan] Not again!
YAKKO: No, not that! *THAT!* [Points to the right of the building, where there's an alien ship sitting.]
FLASH: Oh my heavens. . .
(DOT: Aliens...in a *Christmas special*...you know, guys, these writers of ours sure are imaginative. I mean, most other fanfic writers would just feature us uncharacteristically obsessed with swearing and getting married in such fan-written stories, but not *these* guys...)
(YAKKO: Way to lay on the sarcasm, Dot...)
(DOT: Sorry...long story. (Pauses, then whips out a coffee from nowhere, and guzzles it down. Wakko looks longingly at it, before sighing))
SLAPPY: Alright, no time to gape now, guys! Let's break inta that ship and get the goods, already!
BRAIN: [Surprised] Why, Slappy! Usually you just sit around and grumble in these things! Why this sudden take-control nature?
SLAPPY: Take control nothin'! I'm missin' a special Christmas episode of 'Springer,' an' my bunions are killin' me! I wanta get this thing over with and go home! [Begins pounding on the door.]
SKIPPY: Oh, no, I think Aunt Slappy's lost it!
AXEL: I [bleep]in' hope not! The last [bleep]in' thing we need right now is a recap of that "One Flew Over the Cukoo Clock" [bleep]!
SLAPPY: Don't worry, I ain't lost it. . .
SCULDER: Stand back, Ms. Squirrel! UFO's are *MY* specialty! I'll find the way in! [He searches around for a few moments. Beside the door, there's one giant red button. He contemplates for a moment then pushes it, opening the door.]
SLAPPY: Brilliant. . .
MULLY: Well, let's go then! [The gang walks inside the ship. Inside, it's rather dark. They look around fearfully. Suddenly, a huge hulking thing walks out of the shadows. They're all scared stiff---but it's only Mo-Ron, from F!.]
MO-RON: [Speaking in his usual Stan Freberg voice.] Gaaahhhhh. . .I. . .am Mo-Ron. . .I have an important message for all mankind. . .
FREAKAZOID: Whoa, whoa, fella, you're ruining the mood! You're not even in this special! [Mo-Ron looks a bit dejected.] Awww. . .tell ya what, when all this is over, we'll go fer some mints together, OK?
MO-RON: 'K! [Walks off.]
[Everyone stares oddly at the Freak for a moment, then continues. They step into a larger room. Here, we see Eros & Tanna from "Plan 9 from Outer Space."]
TANNA: Eros, must we kill the humans? It seems such a waste!
EROS: Yes, Tanna. All the Earthlings care about is becoming stronger. Them and their stupid mortal minds! Stupid! Stupid! STUPID! [Noting our heroes for the first time.] And who are *YOU*?!
BRAIN: We have come to see whoever is behind the stealing of the toys from Santa's sleigh!
DOT: Oh, right, this is a *CHRISTMAS* special. . .I'd forgotten about that. . .
EROS: You cannot see the Ruler! No one gets in to see the Ruler!
[Freakazoid "freaks" into a Dorothy outfit.]
FREAKAZOID: But I'm Dorothy! The Witch's Dorothy!
[Eros looks rather bewildered.]
ARNOLD: Enuff! It ees time to take ak-shun, you wimpy cross-dressing mama's boy! [Slugs Eros.]
TANNA: Stop! Stop!!
ARNOLD: Stay out of this, little girly girl! My daddy told me never to hit a girl!
DOT: Then I'll do it! [Pops out a mallet and smashes the female alien to the floor.]
TIM: Onward, to glory!
(YAKKO: And to a TV-Y7 rating for fantasy violence...)
(DOT: Hey, that wasnt fantasy violence, it was gripping dramatic action! (Pauses) That or a cheap violent sight gag....)
BILLIE: Er. . .right. . .Mr. Sculder, can you figure out how to open the door?
BRAIN: Oh, what does he know---one side, my friend! [Jumps up on the control board that Sculder is looking at. He types in a bunch of keys. A large boxing glove pops out and smashes him.] [Beat up.] All yours. . .
[Sculder types in a random sequence of numbers. The message says, "ACCESS DENIED / TENGA ACCESO NEGADO / ACCEDEZ NIE / ACCESSYAY ENIEDDAY" He tries again, and this time it says "ACCESS GRANTED. HAVE A NICE DAY. / ACCESO CONCEDIDO. TENGA UN DIA AGRADABLE. / ACCES ACCORDE. AYEZ UN JOUR AGREABLE. / ACCESSYAY ANTEDGRAY. AVEHAY AYAY ICENAY AYDAY." Sculder grins at Mully, who stares unbelievingly. The door to the main room opens.]
(Cut to another tidbit with Craig...)
(CRAIG: Feh...stupid Brainatra. I thought he was going to salvage the accent marks in this part. But he *didnt*...and now, Ill feel the shame of this decision for as long as this story exists! Which could be a real long time...I mean, anything posted on the Internet gets sucked in and stays there...*forever*...and *ever*...and *ever*... (Panicks) AAAAH! Whyd I write all those goofy postings for the past 3 years?!? *WHY*?! (Turns to his computer) Delete...*DELETE*!)
[They all enter the room. Inside, it's pitch dark. It slides shut behind them.]
FIGURE: [At a desk in the shadows.] So, you have found my *TRUE* hideaway. Yes, this is the *REAL* one! No more stupid cliched tricks, I swear! Well, maybe one or two---but that's it! [Darkly] At any rate, let me just tell you that not one person who has ever entered here has come out alive.
WAKKO: What about you?
FIGURE: Well, aside from me. . .
DOT: But we don't even know who you are!
YAKKO: Yeah, you could be *ANYBODY*!
FIGURE: ENOUGH! I wasn't planning on you arriving here like this. But I did take the precaution, in case you did, to---
ELFY: [Out of nowhere.] YYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! I'VE. . .GOT. . .TO. . .BREAK INTO SONG!
[Elfy suddenly begins singing. He's transported to a snowy wonderland, and as he sings, we see shots of him doing the various actions he sings about.]
ELFY: [Singing] There's no business like snow business
Like no business I know!
Throwing snowballs can be so appealing!
Making angels in the road when traffic's nil!
I just wish it could last forever!
I know I'll never
Get my fill!
There's no people like snowpeople
You build 'em, then knock 'em down!
When you steal your father's favorite hat
You know that
He'll look divine!
And even though you're freezing, it's minus 30
Your hands are dirty
You stay out in the snoooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!
Now let's goooooooooooo oooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn with theeeeeeeeeeeeee shooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
[Elfy returns to the villain's room magically. The general reaction of everyone in the room is staring at Elfy in a slack-jawed manner; Slappy looks incredibly annoyed, and the Warners, Skippy, Pinky, and Freakazoid do that innocuously cute big eye thing as they admire the elf's magic in pure wonder.]
SLAPPY: [Snapping everyone out of their trances.] Yeah, c'mon, let's git on with the show already! Sheesh. . .
FIGURE: Well, despite that pointless musical interlude, I'm afraid I must still do away with you. . .so. . .
[The figure pulls another remote device out from behind him. He pushes the big shiny red button on it. Warning sirens and flashing lights go into full effect as the room seals itself shut.]
FIGURE: Now I'm afraid I must go complete my evil scheme! I hope you enjoy your last moments on this world!
SLAPPY: [Pulls out a bulky legal document] Eh-hem! As sick as we all are of these stupid cliches, you're still contractually bound to reveal your plan before disposing of us, y'know!
FIGURE: And what are you going to do about it? Call your lawyer? Ha ha ha!
[The figure vanishes into nothingness.]
BRAIN: Nobody panic! We can get out of this like we did last time! Flash, Elfy, Warners, are you ready?
BILLIE: Wait!
BRAIN: What?
BILLIE: The metallic structure of this ship would scramble the teleportation field. We'd never survive!
PINKY: But umm... didn't that mysterious figure teleport out of here?
BILLIE: How *he* did that is a task for Sculder over there...
(YAKKO: Or another Brainatra-patented pseudo-science technobabble filled explanation...)
(Cut to Brainatra...)
(BRAINATRA: OK, I admit it, that reason was pretty stupid...as if the Flash alone didnt have a frightening power level as it was...though no dumber than that two places at once bit, I guess...or singing magic elves...or that stupid rotton eggnog line...or the idea of an Eddie Murphy movie character sharing screentime with three Warners cartoon characters and bringing on the Apocalypse by swearing and being obnoxious...but anyway, Im sure that the master villains transporter was designed to be the only teleportation means capable of breaching the ships metallic structure. End of explanation. (Pauses) Um...or something.)
SCULDER: I'll figure it out once we're safe outside, but right I think we have *bigger* concerns. Big, yellow concerns, that is.
(YAKKO: Hey, not *Big Bird*, too!)
(DOT: Besides, the Muppets already *had* their obtrusive cameos!)
MULLEY: Big "yellow" concerns? I think you need to lay off the sunflower seeds, Sculder...
DOT: No, he's right! *LOOK*!
[A door to the room has opened. Standing in the doorway is a giant yellow...]
YAKKO: Oh, no, it's...!
WAKKO: It's horrible!
DOT: It's ten feet tall!
TIM: It's big and plush!
FLASH: It's cute!
PLASTIC MAN: It's shocking!
ARNOLD: Eets on every keeds most vanted list!
SLAPPY: It's...eeeh, what da heck *is* that thing?
ELFY: Wait a sec! *I* know what it is! [He stuffs the yellow piece of cloth in his mouth, and begins to beep uncontrolably.] It's one of the stolen toys! But it's the one we probably should have known better than to make!
[The giant mechanical toy steps forward; we see that it's a robotic Pikachu doll. It emits a peculiar ticking sound.]
TOY: Piiiiiiiiiika?!
(WAKKO: I think Id rather see Big Bird... (his sibs nod))
AXEL: [Bleep]us [bleep], it's a giant [bleep]ing Pikachu! Those sons-of-[bleep]s!
ELFY: [Annoyed] Hey! Watch who you're callling...that phrase. Besides, it's not our fault every kid in the United States and Japan's been asking for that toy this year!
BRAIN: Not to mention the dubiousness of using Christ's name in vain in a *Christmas* special...do you want all those people who came down on your "P.J."'s show to come down on *this* special and *completely* destroy what little hope we had for "Wakko's Wish" to sell?
(YAKKO: Well, with the sales of that thing, I kind of doubt even Mr. Potty-Mouth couldve hurt it more than it already was....)
AXEL: [Pouts] Sorry; but it's just that I [bleep]ing hate P*k*mon!
DOT: Don't we all...
YAKKO: Hey, what's that ticking sound?
[A quick pan around the doll reveals that a bomb is located in the doll's back.]
PINKY: It's a bomb!
SLAPPY: Just like this endless special is!
DOT: OH NO! We're going to die!
[Suddenly, a figure bearing more than a passive resemblence to Mike Myers materializes out of nowhere in front of the heroes; it's Austin Powers!]
AUSTIN: Good thing that shaggy teleportation device I "borrowed" from Dr. Evil's lair worked, or I'd be shagged, like shagadelic, baby!
BRAIN: Great, more over-used catchprases!
DOT: And also nice to see that some stupid James Bond parody character is able to transport through that wall, but not *us* . . .
(Cut to Brainatra once more...hes engrossed in a copy of the Superman In the Seventies trade paperback....)
(BRAINATRA: Dont look at me, bubs...ask Capt. Caps for how Wayne there pulled off that teleportation trick... (goes back to his book))
(Cut to Capt. Caps, in his room at home...we see a turntable playing the soundtrack from Teen Wolf in the background...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Well, I thought Austin Powers was funny! Besides, its no dumber than that Flash cameo...at least more than six people actually know who *Austin Powers* is, unlike that Flash guy...)
(BRAINATRA: (Off-screen) HEY!)
AUSTIN: Yeah, baby, yeah! Biggie Smalls, ladies and gentlemen!
[Cut to Wakko at a set of drums, doing a rim shot, then cut back to Austin.]
AUSTIN: You're probably wondering what I'm doing here, right?
AXEL: Great, another [bleep]ing SNL castmember! Can't I escape them? [To Austin] Yeah, what the [bleep] are you doing here?
AUSTIN: All my groovy merchandise has been stolen, baby! So that means that there won't be any little kids this Christmas with dolls spouting randy overused catchprases!
You don't suppose that Dr. Evil has anything to do with this, do you?
[All of a sudden, Dr. Evil walks up from behind the heroes, who all scream.]
DR. EVIL: [To Austin] No, you twit! I don't have anything to do with this! My merchandise has been stolen also! And I was fortunate to be able to use my transportation device to follow you here, before that "self-destruct" device you attached to it went off! Anyway, if my merchandise was still in my lair, the sales would've totaled...
AXEL: One million [bleep]ing dollars! Yeah, we know the drill! Welcome to this [bleep]ing mission...now let's defuse the bomb! [To Slappy] Slappy, ya wanna defuse it for us? You're an expert on bombs!
SLAPPY: So would anyone else who's seen your performance in "Harlem Nights", heh...
(DOT: Or Life...)
(WAKKO: Or Vampire in Brooklyn...)
(YAKKO: Or half these fanfics to date....)
[Axel glares at Slappy. Slappy walks over to behind the giant Pikachu doll, and pulls on a few red wires. The doll teeters to a stop.]
SLAPPY: A cinch...it's always the red wire in these things!
DOT: Red? You sure you don't mean blue?
SLAPPY: Of course not! [Suddely, the giant doll jerks back to life, only it looks *really* angry; its eye begin to glow a fiery red.]
SLAPPY: Errr....or maybe it *was* blue. [Gulps.]
TIM: What'll we do now?
YAKKO: I know! How about the two fugitives from a James Bond knockoff take 'im on? [Yakko wiggles his eyebrows at the camera.]
AUSTIN: Um...sure, groove-a-delic little puppy-kid, why not?
YAKKO: [Looking perplexed] "Groove-a-delic"? You don't get out much, do you?
AUSTIN: [Glumly] Um, *no* . . . but anyway, let's give it a go, Doc!
DR. EVIL: [Sighs] Oh, very well . . .
[The two James Bond parody characters charge towards the giant Pikachu doll; however, the doll swings its tail at the two, and jolts the duo with a few zillion watts of electricity. An explosion occurs, sending the two characters hurtling through the ceiling, a la "Team Rocket", screaming "Austin Powers will be back in 'Never Say Shaggadellic Agaiiiiinnnn!'", before vanishing out of sight.]
DOT: Guess that's *one* way to get rid of extraneous characters...the writer must not be that big of an "Austin Powers" fan...
[Zip pan to Brainatra, who's at home editing this story on his computer; "60 Minutes" plays in the background on his TV.]
BRAINATRA: What can I say? Besides, I liked "Wayne's World" a lot more than "Austin Powers", anyway... [Brainatra continues typing, but notes that Andy Rooney's on the TV, griping about something or other. Brainatra makes a face, then presses a few buttons on his keyboard; Slappy shows up on the TV screen. She hands Andy Rooney a bomb. Rooney fumbles it around, before the bomb explodes, leaving Rooney in a dazed and confused state. Brainatra chuckles, and goes back to typing...zip pan back to the "action".]
(Cut to Capt. Caps again....hes now seated with Mikey and Sheryl of ninja-thug fame...)
(CAPT. CAPS: What the heck?! Brainatra says he doesnt even *like* P*kemon, yet how does he get rid of Austin and Dr. Evil?)
(MIKEY: By pullin that Team Rocket (bleep) he keeps pullin on *me*...stupid!)
(SHERYL: Wont even touch on how were much better than that gang that showed up in this thing...or how much better *I* am, anyway. (To Mikey) Mr. Bigshot Volvo Owner here woudlnt know an original attack move if it hit him upside the head...)
(MIKEY: Oh, *yeah*?! I couldve taken those guys on single handed! Without help from some Madonna wanna-be..)
(SHERYL: WHAT?! Why, I oughta...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Well, why dont we find out whos the better ninja-thug? Come on in, guys!)
(We see entering Caps room Rico, Whitey, and Dre...Mikey and Sheryl eye the former gang members with suspicion)
(DRE: What the (bleep) is this?! Those two losers that did that Team Rocket at that awards show? (The ex-cons begin laughing))
(SHERYL: Hey, dont laugh at me! It was all that Brain...ita...whoever...guys fault! Besides, I lasted a lot longer than you guys! How come Caps didnt even bring you back in any other stories, huh?)
(MIKEY: Hey, Im *all* that, and more...while you guys look like a bunch of rejects from the road crew for *Warrant*...)
(RICO: Hey, man...youre gonna pay for that!)
(MIKEY: With *what*? You gonna *slash my tires*?! (Mikey begins shaking in fear) Oh, no, I know....youre gonna sick your unused-in-this-story pit bulls?! Bet you dont even *have* pit bulls! Probably just a *chihuahua*...)
(WHITEY: Hey, we mightve got rid of em when we reformed, but those pit bulls were *real*, Mr. Cant-Keep-A-Relationship-together...)
(RICO & DRE: *Oooooooh*....)
(SHERYL: With a guy whose idea of a romantic night out was the drive-thru at M*ckeyDs, no wonder...)
(MIKEY: Hey, I bought you the Extra-Sized Value meal! What other guy wouldve done *that*?!)
(SHERYL: Ugh! Im outa here...later, Caps! (Sheryl exits))
(MIKEY: Thats it, man..youre gonna *pay*! (Whips out a wire-wrapped brick) See this? A *real* weapon! Not some (bleep)in switchblade...)
(DRE: Oh, thats it....its on!)
(The gang members break out their switchblades, and move in towards Mikey...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Uh, guys...? Erm...I thought you quit being gang types...)
(DRE: Yeah man, but our *honors* are at stake! Besides, we can take this guy on!)
(MIKEY: Oh, yeah? Ill just call in a few backup... yo, cmon in here!)
(We see entering the room two other guys, both carrying wire-wrapped bricks)
(GUY: Hey, man...were here!)
(DRE: Ooooh, friends of yours, huh? Well, fine with us...makes it that much more interestin!)
(GUY #2: Hey, man, uh...is Sheryl around anywhere? I mean, I know you two arent together anymore and all, but weve been friends for awhile, man, and I, er, just was wonderin... (Wiggles his eyebrows))
(MIKEY: (Flatly) Dont *ask*...just start attackin these (bleep)s, OK?)
GUY #2: Uh...all right! (The two groups move towards each other...Capt. Caps turns to the camera looking deeply worried...)
(CAPT. CAPS: Great...a Final Confrontation *and* a ninja-thug fight scene rolled into one...neither of which even *remotely* belongs on a DVD as an extra feature...(we see someone grab Caps by the neck, and yank him into the middle of a fight cloud... cut back to the storys action...))