Anthonynotes
12-22-2001, 01:04 AM
Reposting it for Caps' (if no one else's ;-) edification....a MST3K-type rendition of the HYAWLC chainlink story I did a year or so ago....enjoy...
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HAVE YOURSELVES A WAKKO LITTLE CHRISTMAS - SPECIAL EDITION
Originally By: Brainatra, Romey, Capt. Caps, and Craig
Extra Material by: Brainatra
A MST3K-esque parody of the chainlink story, Have Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas...enjoy...
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(Open on a movie theater room, as seen in various fanfics of the past...the Warners are sitting alone in the audience.)
YAKKO: Hi there, and welcome to the special DVD edition of Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas! This *very* special fanfics being released to you in widescreen...proportionally giving *you* the reader more laughs! More chuckles!
WAKKO: And movie-screen-sized repetitive gags! Faboo!
DOT: Plus, well be interspersing this edition with running commentaries by yours truly, character interviews---*and* improved, digitized special effects! So sit back, relax, and prepare to be inane...
YAKKO: Psst! Dot! That cue card says entertained...
DOT: My versions probably more *accurate*...
YAKKO: (Shrugs) Uh...roll film!
(The actual story begins [with the various DVD track comments in parentheses]...)
[Fade into the Warner Bros. Water Tower, and fade into its interior. We see the place has been done up for Christmas; the usual Christmas special type of cartoon gags are seen---three 8-foot long giant stockings with the Warners' names on each one, a platter containing a note for Santa, milk, and (eaten) cookies, etc. We see the Warners are sitting on a couch, watching TV; they look rather contented and sleepy. Mugs of hot cocoa with candy canes in them are seen resting by each Warners' side.]
YAKKO: [Flatly] Cool. We get to do our own Christmas fanfic special.
WAKKO: [Flatly] Yeah. [Burps] Mmm...great cookies!
DOT: [Flatly] Whoopie. I can only imagine what pointless gags we'll get to do in *this* thing.
(DOT: (Shudders) If only we knew then what we knew now...)
YAKKO: Yeah...we already did the "giant stockings over the fireplace" bit...
WAKKO: Hmm...I guess I could promote "Wakko's Wish" some more!
YAKKO: May as well---given the so-called advertising "budget" we were handed by the execs at WB. [To Dot] How's it holding up, by the way?
DOT: Uh...[Digs under the couch cushions, and hauls out a handful of change]
YAKKO: [Looking at the change] Aaaaaaah, better start pushin' it *hard*, Wakko.
WAKKO: Faboo!
(DOT: Apparently, we didnt push it hard enough...)
(YAKKO: Yeah...I mean, the thing sold worse than Sweatin to the Oldies Part XXVII: Revenge of the Simmons)
[Cut to a shot of the TV. We see our old "friend" and ex-Harbinger of the Apocalypse, Axel Foley, dressed in a "Santa" costume and holding a nicely-wrapped package; he's in what looks like a festively decorated house.]
(YAKKO: Friend?)
(DOT: Sure...just like the presidential election vote count this year was a sign of speediness...)
(WAKKO: Uh...or that Pauley Shore has talent?)
(YAKKO: Gotcha...)
AXEL: And that's how to make a nice little bundled package, see? And I don't mean the "bundle" those [bleep]s I arrested made for hawkin' overpriced bootleg P*k*mon figures this time of year! [A doorbell rings; Axel makes a face at the camera similar to his "surprised" "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" SNL sketch look.] Now *who* could that be at my door? [Mutters] Better not be more [bleep]in' door-to-door roast beast salesmen again...
(WAKKO: Ooooh, oooh! Remember those guys when they came by?)
(DOT: Sure do...you nearly went on another eating spree when they showed you their samples...)
(WAKKO: It wasnt an eating spree, I was just kinda...excited.)
(DOT: Sure, Wakko, dear...)
[Axel opens the door; he finds standing there the current cast of "Saturday Night Live"...]
CASTMEMBER: Axel! Won't you *please* come back to our show?! Our ratings have been in the dumpster for years---we're losin' to reruns of "Star Trek:Voyager", for Pete's sake! And that "Weekend News Update:The Movie" bombed faster than "It's Pat:The Movie" did! *Pleeeease*?!?
AXEL: [Annoyed] Uh...*NO*! [Slams the door shut]
AXEL: [To the camera] [Does his staccato laugh] Heh...heh...heh...sorry ya had ta see ol' Axel do that, folks! But now, I'm gonna show ya my mother's special Christmas cookie recipe!
DOT: Better take notes, guys...especially given what happened to the *first* six batches we made! [She glances at Wakko]
WAKKO: [Licking his lips] Faboo! Crank it up!
(WAKKO: Hey, we never did make any cookies...*sniff*...)
(DOT: Well, you kept eating the ingredients before we could even *start*, sweetie...and the mixing bowl...and the recipe...and the *stove*, for that matter...)
[The sibs crank up the volume. ]
AXEL: OK, the first [bleep]in' thing we need is---
(YAKKO: A pile of soap for Mr. Potty Mouth there?)
[Axel's image is cut off, replaced by Fred Doppel of "Punchline"'s image. A picture over his shoulder shows a depiction of Santa Claus. A caption in the screen's corner reads "Crisis at the North Pole"]
DOPPEL: We interrupt "Deck the Halls With Boughs of Foley: An Axel Foley Christmas" for this special report!
WAKKO: Awwww...just when it was starting to get to the good part!
(YAKKO: I dont see the words THE END anywhere...)
DOPPEL: Noted secular Christmas season icon Santa Claus, a.k.a Kris Kringle, a.k.a. the jolly fat guy in the red suit, reports that a crisis has struck his North Pole workshop! For details, we go live to Santa's Workshop!
[The screen image cuts to a shot of various elves running around the workshop, looking half-panicked...a "Punchline" reporter is seen trying to interview the elves.]
(DOT: Must be an OSHA inspection...or a labor laws review...)
REPORTER: Um, sir...? Could you tell us what's happened here?
ELF: [Panicked] Disaster...bad...chaos...all gone! Aaaah! [The elf runs off.]
[Cut to the Warners.]
YAKKO: That was bordering on coherence.
(DOT: Isnt that Brains line?)
(YAKKO: Eh, Im sure he didnt mind...)
[Cut back to the TV screen, where we see Santa himself talking to the reporter.]
SANTA: That's right---not only has someone stolen my sled and reindeer, but also our entire stock of toys! Without those, I won't be able to make my rounds this year!
REPORTER: [To the camera] You heard right, folks...some unknown miscreant has managed to clean out Santa's workshop!
SANTA: [Sounding worried] Indeed...I knew I should've installed a car alarm on the sled...
REPORTER: Any clues as to who could've made off with the sled and toys?
SANTA: No, I'm afraid not...[shakes his head sadly]...but if I don't find out who's stolen it all soon, I'll have no choice but to sit out my rounds this year! As well as file missing reindeer reports...
[Cut to the Warners, who gasp.]
YAKKO: But---if he doesn't make his rounds, then that means...no...Pamela Anderson posters!
WAKKO: No...Don Knotts videos!
DOT: No...Mel Gibson! [Y&W gives Dot a weird look.] What?! You think I'd settle for anything less than the real Mel himself?!
(YAKKO: (Pouting) Never did get my Pamela Anderson posters...hmph...)
(DOT: Guess Ol Saint Nicks decided to keep his rounds free of such nonsense...)
(WAKKO: What about Mel Gibson?)
(DOT: Him? Hes...uh...well, hes *Mel*!)
(YAKKO: Right....)
YAKKO: And if there's no Santa makin' the rounds, that means no...[His eyes widen]...*NO 'WAKKO'S WISH' VIDEOS FOR ANYONE*!!
[The Warners scream very loudly.]
WAKKO: [Panicked] What'll we *do*, Yakko?! It's our last animated hurrah! We *can't* go out like *that*!!
DOT: Yeah! [W&D begin sobbing]
(DOT: Well, after that near death scene of mine, we probably *shouldve*...)
YAKKO: Take it easy, siblings! [Hops off the couch, pounds his chest] There's only one thing left to do! ...Unfortunately, I have no idea what that is!
DOT: Um...how about if we go to the North Pole to try to track down whoever made off with Santa's loot?
WAKKO: Yeah!
YAKKO: Great idea, Dot! Come on, sibs! Let's head north!
(DOT: It didnt look so great an idea in retrospect...)
(YAKKO: When was that?)
(DOT: About two seconds after I thought of it...)
[Music begins to swell up in the background, to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town"]
[The Warners begin to sing.]
YAKKO: Oooh, you'd better watch out!
WAKKO: Better not cry!
DOT: Better not pout!
YAKKO: Cause I'm tellin' you whyyyy...
WARNERS: "Wakko's Wish" is comin'...to towwwwn! [The music ends]
[The Warners do a spin-change into winter clothes, and race out of their tower. We see them race out the studio gate, and head for the Los Angeles international airport...meanwhile, fade to Acme Labs, where we see that Brain, Pinky, and Billie have seen this same news program.]
(DOT: What a coincidence...Im sure the news was Pinkys first viewing choice instead of that Gilligans Island marathon they were running...)
(YAKKO: Hush, sister dear...youre ruining the plot for the two readers who havent read this thing before.)
(WAKKO: Plot? Whats that?)
(YAKKO: Explain later...)
BRAIN: Pinky...are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: Um, I think so, Brain, but what if Jack Frost and Robert Frost *aren't* related?
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky, think! Obviously, someone has sinister motives in mind to target Santa's workshop in such a thorough manner! With such resources in his possession, this person may even be plotting to take over the world before *we* do!
(YAKKO: A bunch of reindeer pulling a 19th-century means of transport loaded with a bunch of playthings vs., aaaaaaah, the might of NATO? Ooooh, the world is in *so* much trouble...)
PINKY: *Naaarf*...
BRAIN: Indeed, Pinky. The fact that this miscreant's made off with the massive stock of videos of our last hurrah, "Wakko's Wish", makes this action even more egregious! Come, Pinky, Billie, we must head for the North Pole and find out who did this!
BILLIE: Um, Eggy, don't ya think we should call the Warners for help on this?
BRAIN: I see no need to do that, Billie! Besides, with the fame we'll garner for [Makes fingers into quote marks] "saving Christmas", the public will surely proclaim us world rulers in no time flat! Pack your winter clothes, you two...we're going to the North Pole! [Brain heads over to the phone to make reservations for their trip to the Arctic, as the other two mice begin packing mouse-sized suitcases...]
(YAKKO: Hmph...spoilsport...not calling us for help...)
(WAKKO: Yeah, were *very* helpful! Didnt he see Temporary Insanity?!)
[Music begins to swell up in the background again, to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."]
PINKY: [Singing] The Brain, the big-head lab mouse! Had a very widened skull! And if you ever saw him, you would even say---
BRAIN: [Flatly, from off-camera.] "you're dull"...dull-*witted*, that is! Now quit singing and finish packing! There'll be plenty of time for yuletide singing later!
PINKY: *POIT*! OK, Brain!
[Fade to black, with sinister orchestra music playing.]
(Commercials cut---being on video and all)
[Cut to LAX International Airport, where Yakko, Wakko and Dot are waiting on a ticket line.]
WAKKO: How long are we going to be here?
DOT: Yeah, my legs hurt!
[Cut to Slappy's house, where she's watching the special on TV.]
SLAPPY: Your legs hurt? I've been running around defeating schmucks for 60 years, so don't go telling me about pain.
(DOT: Hmph...as if that compared to being used as recycled stock footage by Plotz and Kellner in the pain department...)
[Cut back to Yakko.]
YAKKO: I've found a way around this! I've bought our "Warner Academy" police badges with us. Watch...and learn! [Yakko starts making his way through the line.] Make way! California police coming through! C'mon, Wakko! C'mon, Dot! The fate of Christmas lies in our hands!
(WAKKO: I thought it lied in the hands of all those people too focused on greed, and its commercial aspects, and not focusing on what really counts...)
(YAKKO: Whoa...that was actually in-depth, Wakko...)
(WAKKO: Thanks...uh, what was?)
(DOT: Just watch the show, Wakko...)
[Cut to the inside of the plane. Yakko, Wakko and Dot are resting in 3 chairs.]
YAKKO: That was quick! Say, Dot, what's the in-flight movie?
DOT: "Ernest Goes To Hades"!
YAKKO: [Flatly] Uh...Ha Ha! That gag is 10 years out of date!
[Cut to Captain Caps sitting at his computer.]
CAPTAIN CAPS: Hey, it's the best I could come up with! No, wait a minute! Strike the Ernest movie...I've got an even better idea! [Maniacal laughter as we cut back to the airplane.]
PLANE CAPTAIN'S VOICE: We're sorry! Instead of "Ernest Goes to Hades", we will treat you to the director's cut of "P*k*mon: The First Movie"!
YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(WARNERS: *Shudder*)
[Suddenly, we hear a familiar voice from a seat next to them.]
MYSTERY VOICE: Do you have cheeseballs on this flight? And will Bob Barker be appearing in the movie?
YAKKO, WAKKO and DOT: Oh No!
[The Warners turn around, and find the voice belongs to one Pip Pumphandle.]
PIP: Anyway, I went to see "Phantom Menace", and thought that that 'Jar Jar' character reminded me of J.J. from "Good Times", given they both have J.J. as initials...isn't that the oddest coincidence?
YAKKO: [Agitated] Aaaaargh! What'll we *do*?! We couldn't get rid of this guy *last* time!
WAKKO: Yeah...he even pulled that "two places at once" bit on *us*!
DOT: [Flatly] *Yeah*...that, and the "Pokemon" movie, to boot.
YAKKO: I've got an idea! [Yakko pulls from off-camera a fellow plane passenger...namely Wesley Snipes.]
SNIPES: What th--?! I'm supposed to be passenger 57, not passenger-in-the-really-cruddy-plane-seats-section!
YAKKO: Pip, meet Wes...Wes, Pip. Byeee! [The Warners race to the plane's exit doors, whip out parachutes, and jump. Pip briefly acknowledges Wesley's presence, then continues to drone on.]
[Cut to the Warners on the ground, sometime later...they appear to be stranded in San Francisco; in the background, a few cable cars go by.]
YAKKO: Great...at this rate, we'll never get to the North Pole in time!
WAKKO: What'll we do now?
DOT: Make a bunch of pointless, obscure San Francisco-related jokes?
WAKKO: Go beserk and harass every other person who walks by? [We see Jennifer Elfman and Thomas Gibson of "Dharma and Greg" fame walk by; Wakko goes over to them and does that "two places at once" bit to them. Greg screams, while Dharma has a blank look on her face. Yakko jumps into Dharma's arms, and begins kissing her. Dot merely looks annoyed.]
DOT: Ugh...to think if Brainatra *weren't* writing this part *or* playing story editor, we could've *avoided* this bit again...
(DOT: No kidding...)
[Suddenly, a bus pulls up in front of the group; it reads "To Fairbanks, Alaska".]
DOT: Whaddya think?
(YAKKO: That its awfully contrived?)
YAKKO: Beats walking north for several thousand miles...let's take it! We can get to the North Pole from Fairbanks by plane or sleddogs or something!
[The Warners leave Dharma and Greg behind, and climb the bus. The bus takes off...]
(YAKKO: Hmph...Jenny never did return my calls...)
(DOT: Well, neither did those lifeguards we met...or that female DJ...or Wonder Woman...or---)
(YAKKO: Thats it, rub it in...)
[While all this is going on, cut to the lab mice, who're sitting inside of a box postmarked for Fairbanks, Alaska. The box, for reasons only beknowest to Captain Caps, is being transported on the same bus that the Warners are riding on, instead of through the U.S. Postal Service.]
(DOT: Gee, postage rates must be worse than I thought...)
BRAIN: Soon, we'll reach Alaska, and from there, we'll charter a plane to take us to the North Pole! *YES*! And after we stop that vile yuletide thief, the world will soon be---
[The box suddenly rattles sharply.]
PINKY: *POIT*! What's going on?!
(WAKKO: The box suddenly rattled *sharply*! Cant they read the captions?!)
BILLIE: I dunno...but I think we're gonna find out!
[Cut to the outside of the bus, just split-seconds earlier. We see a street gang adorned in red bandanas and Guns 'N' Roses tour jackets. Their leader, "Whitey", speaks up.]
(YAKKO: Ooooh, great *name*...)
WHITEY: What the [bleep] is that bus doing invading our turf? Hey, Rico, slash the tires!
[Rico, one of Whitey's fellow gangmembers, does so, causing the bus to skid to a stop near a traffic light. Yakko steps out.]
YAKKO: Hey, hey, hey, what's the big idea?
RICO: This is the big idea, puppy-child! We're gonna ground you up, and feed you to those pitbulls over there!
YAKKO: Please don't! We're on a mission to save Christmas.
(DOT: Or at least the portion of the gross commercialization of it that directly affected *us*...)
WHITEY: Wait a minute! I heard about that! Hold back the weapons! Explain your story!
DOT: Well, it turns out that Santa Claus has had his house raided!
RICO: [Bleep], dude! I know how that feels!
(DOT: Probably so...wasnt he on Cops a few weeks before we did this story?)
DOT: Anyway, although we're sure that North Pole police are on the case, we need to save Christmas!
WHITEY: Why you?
WAKKO: You see, we're the stars of the late, great series "Animaniacs"! Our show was canceled by pinheaded WB executives in favor of P*k*mon dominating the Kids WB lineup!
(DOT: And *Cardcaptors*...and *JACKIE CHAN ADVENTURES*...*AND* *MAX FREAKIN STEEL*!!! (Pants) Sorry...got a little agitated there.)
[Dre, another gang member, speaks...]
DRE: P*k*mon?! I hate those things, especially that [bleep]ing glorified electric rat Pikachu!
WAKKO: Indeed! Anyway, our final hurrah is a Christmas movie called "Wakko's Wish"! Lots of kids wanted it for Christmas, but since the big S.C.'s stuff got hijacked, those plans have been screwed up!
DRE: Well, in that case, [bleep] the killing, we'll help you save Christmas!
(YAKKO: From murderous to helpful in 3 seconds...gotta love that Christmas magic, folks.)
WHITEY: Those thugs that ripped Saint Nick off need to get ready for the power of Street Knowledge!
[Pinky, Brain and Billie make their way off the bus.]
BRAIN: What was that awful racket?
YAKKO: Hi, Brain! We're saving Christmas with assistance from this gang!
RICO: C'mon, hop into our Cadillac! We've got to save Christmas! And besides that, we're wanted men!
BRAIN: [Raising an eyebrow] "Wanted men"?!
[The gang hops into the Cadillac, and speeds off into the sunset.]
[Cut to the lab mice, riding in the backseat of the Cadillac...Brain looks rather annoyed.]
PINKY: Um...what's wrong, Brain?
BRAIN: [Annoyed] What's wrong? First of all, we're heading *north*, so we *can't* be heading "into the sunset", as the previous narrative description infers. Second, we were being *mailed* to the North Pole in a package meant to be delivered by express air mail, *not* by the bus that the Warners were riding. I won't even get into where continuity-wise this story fits in with our other present-day and future adventures...
(DOT: That from someone who has about 457 different origin stories...)
(Cut to ACME Labs...we see the mices response to this comment)
(BRAIN: We do *not* have multiple origins! We have *one* origin...one accurate, definitive story, logically laid out...a few years ago, Pinky and I were run through the gene splicer, granting us sentience!)
(PINKY: Um, but I thought you and Snowball were run through the gene splicer together, Brain...)
(BILLIE: No way...I thought he was given intellgence by electrochemical experiments to his brain, according to that Eggy-meets-his-folks episode...)
(BRAIN: No, youre both wrong! I was actually captured by scientists in a net and forced to eat gruel...um...wait, no...maybe we should sit down and sort this out...)
(Cut back to the story....)
BILLIE: Aw, don't worry about it, Eggy...I think this thing's just meant to make fun of cheesy TV Christmas specials. Besides, if this story's anything like the typical rerun-to-death Christmas special, it probably *doesn't* fit into any continuity exactly, Eggy...makin' it easier for the network to rerun it to death every year without worryin' about actual temporal logic! As well as giving the network an easier time of slicing it up for more commercials...
BRAIN: [Startled] Oh...of course...I see...very well, then...
WAKKO: This thing's not in any specific continuity? Faboo! [Yanks down behind the group a background of Santa's Workshop, with Santa's sleigh filled to the limit with "Wakko's Wish" videos and DVDs. All look bewildered.] Here we are, then! The end of the story! Ta-daaa!
DOT: [Annoyed] Billie means this doesn't necessarily fit with *other* stories, Wakko...that doesn't mean there's no continuity in *this* one! [Muttering] This isn't a *Flintstones* Christmas special....
WAKKO: Oops...sorry! [Wakko "rolls up" the Santa's Workshop background, revealing the Interstate once more. The gang looks startled.]
RICO: Hey, how'd ya do that, man?
YAKKO: Aaaahh..."Christmas magic"?
BRAIN: *What* "Christmas magic"? That was just another typically lame cartoon gimmick!
YAKKO: I know, but this *is* a Christmas special...
BRAIN: Don't remind me...
[The background music begins to play a "Christmas"-y version of the A! theme song, as we see the Cadillac cruise up the western half of the North American continent. We see the gang engage in multiple McDonald's pit stops and the usual mind-numbing spatial distortion gags. Finally, they reach Fairbanks, Alaska.]
(DOT: Guess we should get around to doing a feature on fanfic montages one of these days...dont hold your breath, folks.)
WAKKO: [Admiring the scenery] Oooh...
BILLIE: [Also admiring the scenery] No wonder Jack London liked this place so much!
(Cut to an interview with Sharklady...shes standing in front of a map of Alaska.)
(SHARKLADY: Greetings. As you know, Alaska is a place with many scenic wonders...beauty....resources...and a unique collection of wildlife. Ive brought with me various slides, brochures, essays, and poems devoted to our fascinating northernmost state, as well as arranged interviews with various Alaskans who partake in their home states beauty frequently. Now, sit back and prepare to be informed and entertained, as for the next few hours, well be studying the natural wildlife of the Alaskan---(Yakko hands Sharklady a note; she reads it) *Oh*...(grows annoyed) I *see*...sorry, folks, but theres no space to discuss this interesting subject on this DVD. (Slightly sarcastic) Once again, an intelligent and interesting subject must be sidelined to make room for the oh-so-fascinating topics of space-time distortion and cookie-cutter fast food restaurants...and even more repetitive *complaining* about those two overused gags by Brain. (throws her hands up in the air, and looks frustrated) Wheres the producers?! Thats it...Im making my *own* fanfic into a DVD...better get an interview arranged with Zalgar...(Walks off-stage))
BRAIN: Indeed...now we must charter a plane! [To the gang members] Will you be accompanying us?
RICO: Naaah, man, we're so filled with Christmas cheer that we're gonna head back to the lower 48 states and do a few good deeds!
WHITEY: Yeah, man...I think I'm gonna volunteer to distribute presents to poor kids...[Digs out a toolbox] I wonder if they already have a travel socket wrench set...
[The gang drive off, singing "Deck the Halls"...]
BRAIN: [Making a face] Ugh...like I was saying about holiday special saccharineness...
DOT: Never mind that now! We've gotta charter a plane to the North Pole!
[Cut to some time later...we see the gang flying in a small, private plane; snow is seen blowing about.]
YAKKO: Aaaaah, are you sure this private pilot's the best the Fairbanks airport had?
BRAIN: Of course! I have the utmost confidence in his flying skills!
[Pan to the cockpit to see that the pilot is dressed in a First World War-style aviator's uniform...he also looks rather poultry-like.]
YAKKO: Be that as it may, I'm going to the cockpit to see who the pilot is!
[Yakko opens the cockpit door, and it's revealed to be...]
YAKKO: Chicken Boo?! Great, our pilot is a chicken! At least they have TV on this flight...I'm heading back to my seat! I think we should check in on this Axel Foley Christmas special!
(DOT: Why?)
(YAKKO: Because it beat watching Bob Hopes Christmas special...)
(DOT: Oh...)
[As Yakko returns to his seat, we see Wakko and Dot sitting in wonderment at the TV. On it, Axel is running around in an angry huff.]
AXEL: For God's sake, why won't those [bleep]ing [bleep]s from "SNL" leave me alone?
[Outside one of Axel's windows, we see various "Saturday Night Live" cast members with their faces pressed against the glass.]
AXEL: Leave me the [bleep] alone! You know what? [Bleep] this special, I'm out of here! I'm Axel Foley...Have a merry [bleep]ing Christmas! [Bleep] it, I'm going to...Alaska! I've got to save Santa!
YAKKO: Hey, we're supposed to save Santa, not Axel!
WAKKO: Yeah, and besides, Santa lives at the North Pole, not Alaska!
[Suddenly, Axel pops up out of nowhere.]
AXEL: Sorry, Yakko! I had to do something to avoid those [bleep]ing "SNL" castmembers!
DOT: How'd you get here?
AXEL: Holiday magic!
WAKKO: I think I'm about to throw up from all these Christmas cliches!
AXEL: Hey, you think you have a [bleep]ing problem with this piece of [bleep]? I have an even bigger problem! It's that [bleep]ing Captain Caps!
[Cut to Captain Caps sitting at his computer.]
CAPTAIN CAPS: Okay, so I slipped up on continuity and other things! You think this is bad? You should see me in real life!
[Cut back to the airplane.]
YAKKO: How many minutes until we land?
WAKKO: I think we have 2 minutes!
[Suddenly, the plane stops in mid-air...]
YAKKO: Aaaaah, did someone forget to refuel before takoff?
[Everyone stares at Wakko]
WAKKO: Hey, it wasn't my responsibility!
[All are silenced by a strange blinding light which is orbiting around the plane, almost as if it were inspecting the interior. Stuff starts to float around weightlessly. The bolts fly off the cabin door, which seems to open under some unearthly power.]
DOT: Great, like we needed an alien abduction right in the middle of a holiday special...
AXEL: Holy [bleep], will ya look at that?!
[A rather thin guy wearing a tool belt and dressed as Santa steps in. A nametag on his shirt reads: "TIM". The passengers stare in total confusion at this guy.]
TIM: Hey! There's a light on this plane that... that won't light on one side! There's no need to visit my workshop, so don't you all fear! I'm gonna fix this faulty flight in midair!
[He spoke no more words, but went straight to his work,
He filled up the fuel tanks; fixed the light with a jerk,
Then laying a finger on his trusted Binford drill,
He screwed the door back on with questionable skill.
He tested the welding; gave the handle a jiggle,
But just to be sure, he tried kicking it a little.
And then he exclaimed, much to everyone's fright,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, I'M JOINING THE FLIGHT!!!"]
YAKKO: I dunno, Dot. I think an alien abduction would've been preferable...
DOT: Yeah, at least they'd have competent repairmen on board...
TIM: Hey, I'm competent! [He pulls out a dictionary to check] At least, I think I am...
[Wakko whispers something to Yakko]
YAKKO: Hey, that's right! You work for D*sney! Get 'em sibs!
[The Warners pounce on Tim]
AXEL: Hold it!!!
[The Warners freeze in place]
AXEL: I thought you three decided you wouldn't hold that against people anymore! You don't even know what the [bleep] he's doing here! [Turns to Tim] What are you [bleep]in' doing here anyway?
(DOT: Hmph...I thought Brainatra was going to cut that scene out...like we needed a reminder of *that* Axel-Disney incident...)
(YAKKO: Must not have paid him off with enough money...two bucks doesnt go as far as it used to, I guess...)
TIM: Long story... Suffice it to say that I was looking forward to a new set of tools for Christmas this year. I heard about the North Pole crisis, and figured this was the only way to straighten things out! Besides, there's this clause in my contract...
[Meanwhile, the mice are in the back of the plane observing this bizzare occurance]
BRAIN: Does any of this seem frightfully strange to you two?
(DOT: Yeah...weve gone this far in a story with Brainatra contributing with only *one* spatial distortion gag so far...)
PINKY: Oh yes, Brain! They forgot to serve us those little honey roasted peanuts, Narf!
BRAIN: No, Pinky! It's almost as if... as if we were trapped in some inane holiday special!
BILLIE: Whatever gave you that idea, Egghead?
[Brain turns around. From behind the mice, we can see that they are actually on a studio soundstage with various cameras and microphones aimed at them. An angry TV exec resembling Bill Murray walks buy, screaming at the crew.]
BRAIN: Never mind, you wouldn't believe me anyway...
---
HAVE YOURSELVES A WAKKO LITTLE CHRISTMAS - SPECIAL EDITION
Originally By: Brainatra, Romey, Capt. Caps, and Craig
Extra Material by: Brainatra
A MST3K-esque parody of the chainlink story, Have Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas...enjoy...
---
(Open on a movie theater room, as seen in various fanfics of the past...the Warners are sitting alone in the audience.)
YAKKO: Hi there, and welcome to the special DVD edition of Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas! This *very* special fanfics being released to you in widescreen...proportionally giving *you* the reader more laughs! More chuckles!
WAKKO: And movie-screen-sized repetitive gags! Faboo!
DOT: Plus, well be interspersing this edition with running commentaries by yours truly, character interviews---*and* improved, digitized special effects! So sit back, relax, and prepare to be inane...
YAKKO: Psst! Dot! That cue card says entertained...
DOT: My versions probably more *accurate*...
YAKKO: (Shrugs) Uh...roll film!
(The actual story begins [with the various DVD track comments in parentheses]...)
[Fade into the Warner Bros. Water Tower, and fade into its interior. We see the place has been done up for Christmas; the usual Christmas special type of cartoon gags are seen---three 8-foot long giant stockings with the Warners' names on each one, a platter containing a note for Santa, milk, and (eaten) cookies, etc. We see the Warners are sitting on a couch, watching TV; they look rather contented and sleepy. Mugs of hot cocoa with candy canes in them are seen resting by each Warners' side.]
YAKKO: [Flatly] Cool. We get to do our own Christmas fanfic special.
WAKKO: [Flatly] Yeah. [Burps] Mmm...great cookies!
DOT: [Flatly] Whoopie. I can only imagine what pointless gags we'll get to do in *this* thing.
(DOT: (Shudders) If only we knew then what we knew now...)
YAKKO: Yeah...we already did the "giant stockings over the fireplace" bit...
WAKKO: Hmm...I guess I could promote "Wakko's Wish" some more!
YAKKO: May as well---given the so-called advertising "budget" we were handed by the execs at WB. [To Dot] How's it holding up, by the way?
DOT: Uh...[Digs under the couch cushions, and hauls out a handful of change]
YAKKO: [Looking at the change] Aaaaaaah, better start pushin' it *hard*, Wakko.
WAKKO: Faboo!
(DOT: Apparently, we didnt push it hard enough...)
(YAKKO: Yeah...I mean, the thing sold worse than Sweatin to the Oldies Part XXVII: Revenge of the Simmons)
[Cut to a shot of the TV. We see our old "friend" and ex-Harbinger of the Apocalypse, Axel Foley, dressed in a "Santa" costume and holding a nicely-wrapped package; he's in what looks like a festively decorated house.]
(YAKKO: Friend?)
(DOT: Sure...just like the presidential election vote count this year was a sign of speediness...)
(WAKKO: Uh...or that Pauley Shore has talent?)
(YAKKO: Gotcha...)
AXEL: And that's how to make a nice little bundled package, see? And I don't mean the "bundle" those [bleep]s I arrested made for hawkin' overpriced bootleg P*k*mon figures this time of year! [A doorbell rings; Axel makes a face at the camera similar to his "surprised" "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" SNL sketch look.] Now *who* could that be at my door? [Mutters] Better not be more [bleep]in' door-to-door roast beast salesmen again...
(WAKKO: Ooooh, oooh! Remember those guys when they came by?)
(DOT: Sure do...you nearly went on another eating spree when they showed you their samples...)
(WAKKO: It wasnt an eating spree, I was just kinda...excited.)
(DOT: Sure, Wakko, dear...)
[Axel opens the door; he finds standing there the current cast of "Saturday Night Live"...]
CASTMEMBER: Axel! Won't you *please* come back to our show?! Our ratings have been in the dumpster for years---we're losin' to reruns of "Star Trek:Voyager", for Pete's sake! And that "Weekend News Update:The Movie" bombed faster than "It's Pat:The Movie" did! *Pleeeease*?!?
AXEL: [Annoyed] Uh...*NO*! [Slams the door shut]
AXEL: [To the camera] [Does his staccato laugh] Heh...heh...heh...sorry ya had ta see ol' Axel do that, folks! But now, I'm gonna show ya my mother's special Christmas cookie recipe!
DOT: Better take notes, guys...especially given what happened to the *first* six batches we made! [She glances at Wakko]
WAKKO: [Licking his lips] Faboo! Crank it up!
(WAKKO: Hey, we never did make any cookies...*sniff*...)
(DOT: Well, you kept eating the ingredients before we could even *start*, sweetie...and the mixing bowl...and the recipe...and the *stove*, for that matter...)
[The sibs crank up the volume. ]
AXEL: OK, the first [bleep]in' thing we need is---
(YAKKO: A pile of soap for Mr. Potty Mouth there?)
[Axel's image is cut off, replaced by Fred Doppel of "Punchline"'s image. A picture over his shoulder shows a depiction of Santa Claus. A caption in the screen's corner reads "Crisis at the North Pole"]
DOPPEL: We interrupt "Deck the Halls With Boughs of Foley: An Axel Foley Christmas" for this special report!
WAKKO: Awwww...just when it was starting to get to the good part!
(YAKKO: I dont see the words THE END anywhere...)
DOPPEL: Noted secular Christmas season icon Santa Claus, a.k.a Kris Kringle, a.k.a. the jolly fat guy in the red suit, reports that a crisis has struck his North Pole workshop! For details, we go live to Santa's Workshop!
[The screen image cuts to a shot of various elves running around the workshop, looking half-panicked...a "Punchline" reporter is seen trying to interview the elves.]
(DOT: Must be an OSHA inspection...or a labor laws review...)
REPORTER: Um, sir...? Could you tell us what's happened here?
ELF: [Panicked] Disaster...bad...chaos...all gone! Aaaah! [The elf runs off.]
[Cut to the Warners.]
YAKKO: That was bordering on coherence.
(DOT: Isnt that Brains line?)
(YAKKO: Eh, Im sure he didnt mind...)
[Cut back to the TV screen, where we see Santa himself talking to the reporter.]
SANTA: That's right---not only has someone stolen my sled and reindeer, but also our entire stock of toys! Without those, I won't be able to make my rounds this year!
REPORTER: [To the camera] You heard right, folks...some unknown miscreant has managed to clean out Santa's workshop!
SANTA: [Sounding worried] Indeed...I knew I should've installed a car alarm on the sled...
REPORTER: Any clues as to who could've made off with the sled and toys?
SANTA: No, I'm afraid not...[shakes his head sadly]...but if I don't find out who's stolen it all soon, I'll have no choice but to sit out my rounds this year! As well as file missing reindeer reports...
[Cut to the Warners, who gasp.]
YAKKO: But---if he doesn't make his rounds, then that means...no...Pamela Anderson posters!
WAKKO: No...Don Knotts videos!
DOT: No...Mel Gibson! [Y&W gives Dot a weird look.] What?! You think I'd settle for anything less than the real Mel himself?!
(YAKKO: (Pouting) Never did get my Pamela Anderson posters...hmph...)
(DOT: Guess Ol Saint Nicks decided to keep his rounds free of such nonsense...)
(WAKKO: What about Mel Gibson?)
(DOT: Him? Hes...uh...well, hes *Mel*!)
(YAKKO: Right....)
YAKKO: And if there's no Santa makin' the rounds, that means no...[His eyes widen]...*NO 'WAKKO'S WISH' VIDEOS FOR ANYONE*!!
[The Warners scream very loudly.]
WAKKO: [Panicked] What'll we *do*, Yakko?! It's our last animated hurrah! We *can't* go out like *that*!!
DOT: Yeah! [W&D begin sobbing]
(DOT: Well, after that near death scene of mine, we probably *shouldve*...)
YAKKO: Take it easy, siblings! [Hops off the couch, pounds his chest] There's only one thing left to do! ...Unfortunately, I have no idea what that is!
DOT: Um...how about if we go to the North Pole to try to track down whoever made off with Santa's loot?
WAKKO: Yeah!
YAKKO: Great idea, Dot! Come on, sibs! Let's head north!
(DOT: It didnt look so great an idea in retrospect...)
(YAKKO: When was that?)
(DOT: About two seconds after I thought of it...)
[Music begins to swell up in the background, to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town"]
[The Warners begin to sing.]
YAKKO: Oooh, you'd better watch out!
WAKKO: Better not cry!
DOT: Better not pout!
YAKKO: Cause I'm tellin' you whyyyy...
WARNERS: "Wakko's Wish" is comin'...to towwwwn! [The music ends]
[The Warners do a spin-change into winter clothes, and race out of their tower. We see them race out the studio gate, and head for the Los Angeles international airport...meanwhile, fade to Acme Labs, where we see that Brain, Pinky, and Billie have seen this same news program.]
(DOT: What a coincidence...Im sure the news was Pinkys first viewing choice instead of that Gilligans Island marathon they were running...)
(YAKKO: Hush, sister dear...youre ruining the plot for the two readers who havent read this thing before.)
(WAKKO: Plot? Whats that?)
(YAKKO: Explain later...)
BRAIN: Pinky...are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: Um, I think so, Brain, but what if Jack Frost and Robert Frost *aren't* related?
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky, think! Obviously, someone has sinister motives in mind to target Santa's workshop in such a thorough manner! With such resources in his possession, this person may even be plotting to take over the world before *we* do!
(YAKKO: A bunch of reindeer pulling a 19th-century means of transport loaded with a bunch of playthings vs., aaaaaaah, the might of NATO? Ooooh, the world is in *so* much trouble...)
PINKY: *Naaarf*...
BRAIN: Indeed, Pinky. The fact that this miscreant's made off with the massive stock of videos of our last hurrah, "Wakko's Wish", makes this action even more egregious! Come, Pinky, Billie, we must head for the North Pole and find out who did this!
BILLIE: Um, Eggy, don't ya think we should call the Warners for help on this?
BRAIN: I see no need to do that, Billie! Besides, with the fame we'll garner for [Makes fingers into quote marks] "saving Christmas", the public will surely proclaim us world rulers in no time flat! Pack your winter clothes, you two...we're going to the North Pole! [Brain heads over to the phone to make reservations for their trip to the Arctic, as the other two mice begin packing mouse-sized suitcases...]
(YAKKO: Hmph...spoilsport...not calling us for help...)
(WAKKO: Yeah, were *very* helpful! Didnt he see Temporary Insanity?!)
[Music begins to swell up in the background again, to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."]
PINKY: [Singing] The Brain, the big-head lab mouse! Had a very widened skull! And if you ever saw him, you would even say---
BRAIN: [Flatly, from off-camera.] "you're dull"...dull-*witted*, that is! Now quit singing and finish packing! There'll be plenty of time for yuletide singing later!
PINKY: *POIT*! OK, Brain!
[Fade to black, with sinister orchestra music playing.]
(Commercials cut---being on video and all)
[Cut to LAX International Airport, where Yakko, Wakko and Dot are waiting on a ticket line.]
WAKKO: How long are we going to be here?
DOT: Yeah, my legs hurt!
[Cut to Slappy's house, where she's watching the special on TV.]
SLAPPY: Your legs hurt? I've been running around defeating schmucks for 60 years, so don't go telling me about pain.
(DOT: Hmph...as if that compared to being used as recycled stock footage by Plotz and Kellner in the pain department...)
[Cut back to Yakko.]
YAKKO: I've found a way around this! I've bought our "Warner Academy" police badges with us. Watch...and learn! [Yakko starts making his way through the line.] Make way! California police coming through! C'mon, Wakko! C'mon, Dot! The fate of Christmas lies in our hands!
(WAKKO: I thought it lied in the hands of all those people too focused on greed, and its commercial aspects, and not focusing on what really counts...)
(YAKKO: Whoa...that was actually in-depth, Wakko...)
(WAKKO: Thanks...uh, what was?)
(DOT: Just watch the show, Wakko...)
[Cut to the inside of the plane. Yakko, Wakko and Dot are resting in 3 chairs.]
YAKKO: That was quick! Say, Dot, what's the in-flight movie?
DOT: "Ernest Goes To Hades"!
YAKKO: [Flatly] Uh...Ha Ha! That gag is 10 years out of date!
[Cut to Captain Caps sitting at his computer.]
CAPTAIN CAPS: Hey, it's the best I could come up with! No, wait a minute! Strike the Ernest movie...I've got an even better idea! [Maniacal laughter as we cut back to the airplane.]
PLANE CAPTAIN'S VOICE: We're sorry! Instead of "Ernest Goes to Hades", we will treat you to the director's cut of "P*k*mon: The First Movie"!
YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(WARNERS: *Shudder*)
[Suddenly, we hear a familiar voice from a seat next to them.]
MYSTERY VOICE: Do you have cheeseballs on this flight? And will Bob Barker be appearing in the movie?
YAKKO, WAKKO and DOT: Oh No!
[The Warners turn around, and find the voice belongs to one Pip Pumphandle.]
PIP: Anyway, I went to see "Phantom Menace", and thought that that 'Jar Jar' character reminded me of J.J. from "Good Times", given they both have J.J. as initials...isn't that the oddest coincidence?
YAKKO: [Agitated] Aaaaargh! What'll we *do*?! We couldn't get rid of this guy *last* time!
WAKKO: Yeah...he even pulled that "two places at once" bit on *us*!
DOT: [Flatly] *Yeah*...that, and the "Pokemon" movie, to boot.
YAKKO: I've got an idea! [Yakko pulls from off-camera a fellow plane passenger...namely Wesley Snipes.]
SNIPES: What th--?! I'm supposed to be passenger 57, not passenger-in-the-really-cruddy-plane-seats-section!
YAKKO: Pip, meet Wes...Wes, Pip. Byeee! [The Warners race to the plane's exit doors, whip out parachutes, and jump. Pip briefly acknowledges Wesley's presence, then continues to drone on.]
[Cut to the Warners on the ground, sometime later...they appear to be stranded in San Francisco; in the background, a few cable cars go by.]
YAKKO: Great...at this rate, we'll never get to the North Pole in time!
WAKKO: What'll we do now?
DOT: Make a bunch of pointless, obscure San Francisco-related jokes?
WAKKO: Go beserk and harass every other person who walks by? [We see Jennifer Elfman and Thomas Gibson of "Dharma and Greg" fame walk by; Wakko goes over to them and does that "two places at once" bit to them. Greg screams, while Dharma has a blank look on her face. Yakko jumps into Dharma's arms, and begins kissing her. Dot merely looks annoyed.]
DOT: Ugh...to think if Brainatra *weren't* writing this part *or* playing story editor, we could've *avoided* this bit again...
(DOT: No kidding...)
[Suddenly, a bus pulls up in front of the group; it reads "To Fairbanks, Alaska".]
DOT: Whaddya think?
(YAKKO: That its awfully contrived?)
YAKKO: Beats walking north for several thousand miles...let's take it! We can get to the North Pole from Fairbanks by plane or sleddogs or something!
[The Warners leave Dharma and Greg behind, and climb the bus. The bus takes off...]
(YAKKO: Hmph...Jenny never did return my calls...)
(DOT: Well, neither did those lifeguards we met...or that female DJ...or Wonder Woman...or---)
(YAKKO: Thats it, rub it in...)
[While all this is going on, cut to the lab mice, who're sitting inside of a box postmarked for Fairbanks, Alaska. The box, for reasons only beknowest to Captain Caps, is being transported on the same bus that the Warners are riding on, instead of through the U.S. Postal Service.]
(DOT: Gee, postage rates must be worse than I thought...)
BRAIN: Soon, we'll reach Alaska, and from there, we'll charter a plane to take us to the North Pole! *YES*! And after we stop that vile yuletide thief, the world will soon be---
[The box suddenly rattles sharply.]
PINKY: *POIT*! What's going on?!
(WAKKO: The box suddenly rattled *sharply*! Cant they read the captions?!)
BILLIE: I dunno...but I think we're gonna find out!
[Cut to the outside of the bus, just split-seconds earlier. We see a street gang adorned in red bandanas and Guns 'N' Roses tour jackets. Their leader, "Whitey", speaks up.]
(YAKKO: Ooooh, great *name*...)
WHITEY: What the [bleep] is that bus doing invading our turf? Hey, Rico, slash the tires!
[Rico, one of Whitey's fellow gangmembers, does so, causing the bus to skid to a stop near a traffic light. Yakko steps out.]
YAKKO: Hey, hey, hey, what's the big idea?
RICO: This is the big idea, puppy-child! We're gonna ground you up, and feed you to those pitbulls over there!
YAKKO: Please don't! We're on a mission to save Christmas.
(DOT: Or at least the portion of the gross commercialization of it that directly affected *us*...)
WHITEY: Wait a minute! I heard about that! Hold back the weapons! Explain your story!
DOT: Well, it turns out that Santa Claus has had his house raided!
RICO: [Bleep], dude! I know how that feels!
(DOT: Probably so...wasnt he on Cops a few weeks before we did this story?)
DOT: Anyway, although we're sure that North Pole police are on the case, we need to save Christmas!
WHITEY: Why you?
WAKKO: You see, we're the stars of the late, great series "Animaniacs"! Our show was canceled by pinheaded WB executives in favor of P*k*mon dominating the Kids WB lineup!
(DOT: And *Cardcaptors*...and *JACKIE CHAN ADVENTURES*...*AND* *MAX FREAKIN STEEL*!!! (Pants) Sorry...got a little agitated there.)
[Dre, another gang member, speaks...]
DRE: P*k*mon?! I hate those things, especially that [bleep]ing glorified electric rat Pikachu!
WAKKO: Indeed! Anyway, our final hurrah is a Christmas movie called "Wakko's Wish"! Lots of kids wanted it for Christmas, but since the big S.C.'s stuff got hijacked, those plans have been screwed up!
DRE: Well, in that case, [bleep] the killing, we'll help you save Christmas!
(YAKKO: From murderous to helpful in 3 seconds...gotta love that Christmas magic, folks.)
WHITEY: Those thugs that ripped Saint Nick off need to get ready for the power of Street Knowledge!
[Pinky, Brain and Billie make their way off the bus.]
BRAIN: What was that awful racket?
YAKKO: Hi, Brain! We're saving Christmas with assistance from this gang!
RICO: C'mon, hop into our Cadillac! We've got to save Christmas! And besides that, we're wanted men!
BRAIN: [Raising an eyebrow] "Wanted men"?!
[The gang hops into the Cadillac, and speeds off into the sunset.]
[Cut to the lab mice, riding in the backseat of the Cadillac...Brain looks rather annoyed.]
PINKY: Um...what's wrong, Brain?
BRAIN: [Annoyed] What's wrong? First of all, we're heading *north*, so we *can't* be heading "into the sunset", as the previous narrative description infers. Second, we were being *mailed* to the North Pole in a package meant to be delivered by express air mail, *not* by the bus that the Warners were riding. I won't even get into where continuity-wise this story fits in with our other present-day and future adventures...
(DOT: That from someone who has about 457 different origin stories...)
(Cut to ACME Labs...we see the mices response to this comment)
(BRAIN: We do *not* have multiple origins! We have *one* origin...one accurate, definitive story, logically laid out...a few years ago, Pinky and I were run through the gene splicer, granting us sentience!)
(PINKY: Um, but I thought you and Snowball were run through the gene splicer together, Brain...)
(BILLIE: No way...I thought he was given intellgence by electrochemical experiments to his brain, according to that Eggy-meets-his-folks episode...)
(BRAIN: No, youre both wrong! I was actually captured by scientists in a net and forced to eat gruel...um...wait, no...maybe we should sit down and sort this out...)
(Cut back to the story....)
BILLIE: Aw, don't worry about it, Eggy...I think this thing's just meant to make fun of cheesy TV Christmas specials. Besides, if this story's anything like the typical rerun-to-death Christmas special, it probably *doesn't* fit into any continuity exactly, Eggy...makin' it easier for the network to rerun it to death every year without worryin' about actual temporal logic! As well as giving the network an easier time of slicing it up for more commercials...
BRAIN: [Startled] Oh...of course...I see...very well, then...
WAKKO: This thing's not in any specific continuity? Faboo! [Yanks down behind the group a background of Santa's Workshop, with Santa's sleigh filled to the limit with "Wakko's Wish" videos and DVDs. All look bewildered.] Here we are, then! The end of the story! Ta-daaa!
DOT: [Annoyed] Billie means this doesn't necessarily fit with *other* stories, Wakko...that doesn't mean there's no continuity in *this* one! [Muttering] This isn't a *Flintstones* Christmas special....
WAKKO: Oops...sorry! [Wakko "rolls up" the Santa's Workshop background, revealing the Interstate once more. The gang looks startled.]
RICO: Hey, how'd ya do that, man?
YAKKO: Aaaahh..."Christmas magic"?
BRAIN: *What* "Christmas magic"? That was just another typically lame cartoon gimmick!
YAKKO: I know, but this *is* a Christmas special...
BRAIN: Don't remind me...
[The background music begins to play a "Christmas"-y version of the A! theme song, as we see the Cadillac cruise up the western half of the North American continent. We see the gang engage in multiple McDonald's pit stops and the usual mind-numbing spatial distortion gags. Finally, they reach Fairbanks, Alaska.]
(DOT: Guess we should get around to doing a feature on fanfic montages one of these days...dont hold your breath, folks.)
WAKKO: [Admiring the scenery] Oooh...
BILLIE: [Also admiring the scenery] No wonder Jack London liked this place so much!
(Cut to an interview with Sharklady...shes standing in front of a map of Alaska.)
(SHARKLADY: Greetings. As you know, Alaska is a place with many scenic wonders...beauty....resources...and a unique collection of wildlife. Ive brought with me various slides, brochures, essays, and poems devoted to our fascinating northernmost state, as well as arranged interviews with various Alaskans who partake in their home states beauty frequently. Now, sit back and prepare to be informed and entertained, as for the next few hours, well be studying the natural wildlife of the Alaskan---(Yakko hands Sharklady a note; she reads it) *Oh*...(grows annoyed) I *see*...sorry, folks, but theres no space to discuss this interesting subject on this DVD. (Slightly sarcastic) Once again, an intelligent and interesting subject must be sidelined to make room for the oh-so-fascinating topics of space-time distortion and cookie-cutter fast food restaurants...and even more repetitive *complaining* about those two overused gags by Brain. (throws her hands up in the air, and looks frustrated) Wheres the producers?! Thats it...Im making my *own* fanfic into a DVD...better get an interview arranged with Zalgar...(Walks off-stage))
BRAIN: Indeed...now we must charter a plane! [To the gang members] Will you be accompanying us?
RICO: Naaah, man, we're so filled with Christmas cheer that we're gonna head back to the lower 48 states and do a few good deeds!
WHITEY: Yeah, man...I think I'm gonna volunteer to distribute presents to poor kids...[Digs out a toolbox] I wonder if they already have a travel socket wrench set...
[The gang drive off, singing "Deck the Halls"...]
BRAIN: [Making a face] Ugh...like I was saying about holiday special saccharineness...
DOT: Never mind that now! We've gotta charter a plane to the North Pole!
[Cut to some time later...we see the gang flying in a small, private plane; snow is seen blowing about.]
YAKKO: Aaaaah, are you sure this private pilot's the best the Fairbanks airport had?
BRAIN: Of course! I have the utmost confidence in his flying skills!
[Pan to the cockpit to see that the pilot is dressed in a First World War-style aviator's uniform...he also looks rather poultry-like.]
YAKKO: Be that as it may, I'm going to the cockpit to see who the pilot is!
[Yakko opens the cockpit door, and it's revealed to be...]
YAKKO: Chicken Boo?! Great, our pilot is a chicken! At least they have TV on this flight...I'm heading back to my seat! I think we should check in on this Axel Foley Christmas special!
(DOT: Why?)
(YAKKO: Because it beat watching Bob Hopes Christmas special...)
(DOT: Oh...)
[As Yakko returns to his seat, we see Wakko and Dot sitting in wonderment at the TV. On it, Axel is running around in an angry huff.]
AXEL: For God's sake, why won't those [bleep]ing [bleep]s from "SNL" leave me alone?
[Outside one of Axel's windows, we see various "Saturday Night Live" cast members with their faces pressed against the glass.]
AXEL: Leave me the [bleep] alone! You know what? [Bleep] this special, I'm out of here! I'm Axel Foley...Have a merry [bleep]ing Christmas! [Bleep] it, I'm going to...Alaska! I've got to save Santa!
YAKKO: Hey, we're supposed to save Santa, not Axel!
WAKKO: Yeah, and besides, Santa lives at the North Pole, not Alaska!
[Suddenly, Axel pops up out of nowhere.]
AXEL: Sorry, Yakko! I had to do something to avoid those [bleep]ing "SNL" castmembers!
DOT: How'd you get here?
AXEL: Holiday magic!
WAKKO: I think I'm about to throw up from all these Christmas cliches!
AXEL: Hey, you think you have a [bleep]ing problem with this piece of [bleep]? I have an even bigger problem! It's that [bleep]ing Captain Caps!
[Cut to Captain Caps sitting at his computer.]
CAPTAIN CAPS: Okay, so I slipped up on continuity and other things! You think this is bad? You should see me in real life!
[Cut back to the airplane.]
YAKKO: How many minutes until we land?
WAKKO: I think we have 2 minutes!
[Suddenly, the plane stops in mid-air...]
YAKKO: Aaaaah, did someone forget to refuel before takoff?
[Everyone stares at Wakko]
WAKKO: Hey, it wasn't my responsibility!
[All are silenced by a strange blinding light which is orbiting around the plane, almost as if it were inspecting the interior. Stuff starts to float around weightlessly. The bolts fly off the cabin door, which seems to open under some unearthly power.]
DOT: Great, like we needed an alien abduction right in the middle of a holiday special...
AXEL: Holy [bleep], will ya look at that?!
[A rather thin guy wearing a tool belt and dressed as Santa steps in. A nametag on his shirt reads: "TIM". The passengers stare in total confusion at this guy.]
TIM: Hey! There's a light on this plane that... that won't light on one side! There's no need to visit my workshop, so don't you all fear! I'm gonna fix this faulty flight in midair!
[He spoke no more words, but went straight to his work,
He filled up the fuel tanks; fixed the light with a jerk,
Then laying a finger on his trusted Binford drill,
He screwed the door back on with questionable skill.
He tested the welding; gave the handle a jiggle,
But just to be sure, he tried kicking it a little.
And then he exclaimed, much to everyone's fright,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, I'M JOINING THE FLIGHT!!!"]
YAKKO: I dunno, Dot. I think an alien abduction would've been preferable...
DOT: Yeah, at least they'd have competent repairmen on board...
TIM: Hey, I'm competent! [He pulls out a dictionary to check] At least, I think I am...
[Wakko whispers something to Yakko]
YAKKO: Hey, that's right! You work for D*sney! Get 'em sibs!
[The Warners pounce on Tim]
AXEL: Hold it!!!
[The Warners freeze in place]
AXEL: I thought you three decided you wouldn't hold that against people anymore! You don't even know what the [bleep] he's doing here! [Turns to Tim] What are you [bleep]in' doing here anyway?
(DOT: Hmph...I thought Brainatra was going to cut that scene out...like we needed a reminder of *that* Axel-Disney incident...)
(YAKKO: Must not have paid him off with enough money...two bucks doesnt go as far as it used to, I guess...)
TIM: Long story... Suffice it to say that I was looking forward to a new set of tools for Christmas this year. I heard about the North Pole crisis, and figured this was the only way to straighten things out! Besides, there's this clause in my contract...
[Meanwhile, the mice are in the back of the plane observing this bizzare occurance]
BRAIN: Does any of this seem frightfully strange to you two?
(DOT: Yeah...weve gone this far in a story with Brainatra contributing with only *one* spatial distortion gag so far...)
PINKY: Oh yes, Brain! They forgot to serve us those little honey roasted peanuts, Narf!
BRAIN: No, Pinky! It's almost as if... as if we were trapped in some inane holiday special!
BILLIE: Whatever gave you that idea, Egghead?
[Brain turns around. From behind the mice, we can see that they are actually on a studio soundstage with various cameras and microphones aimed at them. An angry TV exec resembling Bill Murray walks buy, screaming at the crew.]
BRAIN: Never mind, you wouldn't believe me anyway...