Danielle
12-19-2001, 05:26 PM
I don't wanna make something up, so I took a quote out of The Blues Brothers (whaddya expect? I just watched it two nights ago!), where Jake is making excuses for his ex-wife, whatshername.
The real thing:
"I ran out of gas! I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO G-D!"
In Cockney:
"I ran out of gas! Oi! I 'ad a flat tire! Oi! I didn't 'ave enough brass for cab fare! Oi! Me tux didn't come hammer and tack from the tidyers! An ole mucker came in from out of tahn! Right! Some bloke nicked me car! Struth! There were an earffquake! Blimey! A terrible flood! Locusts! Right! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, right, I SWEAR TO G-D! Blimey!"
In Swedish Chef:
"I run oooot ooff ges! I hed a flet ture-a! I deedn't hefe-a inuoogh muney fur ceb fere-a! My toox deedn't cume-a beck frum zee cleuners! Un oold freeend ceme-a in frum oooot ooff toon! Sumeune-a stule-a my cer! Zeere-a ves un ierthqooeke-a! A terreeble-a fluud! Lucoosts! IT VESN'T MY FEOoLT, I SVEER TO G-D!"
In Moron:
"I ran out of gas! Huh huh! I had a flat tire! Huh huh! I didn't habe enough money f' cab fare! Huh huh! My tux didn't come back from the, errr, cleanehs! Huh huh! An old friend came in from out of town! Doihh, COOL! Someone stole my car! Doihh, COOL! Dehe was an eardkake! Huh huh! A tehriggle flood! Huh huh! Locusts! Huh huh! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO G-D! Doihh, COOL!" (Brainatra should take a look at this... :D )
And, in.........Hacker?
"i arn otu of gas!!!!!!!!~~~~~ yoi suX0r 1 ahd aa flat tiir3~~~~~~ i didn"t havve 3Nough moneyf Or cdab dar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~ my tuX0r iddnt coem baX0r form the cleaanrs!!!!!!!!!111 san old L4MeR came iN fro mout of town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~~~ some0ne stole myu car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~~~~~ OLOLOLOL.... Th3re waz an re4Rthquake~~~~ a tarribvle flO0d!!!!!!!!!1~~~ locuustrsd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~~~ it wasn't my fault, i swear to g-d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~~"
DR. BELCH
12-21-2001, 09:01 AM
--running one of my old columns through the Dialectizer. From Oct 1996:
Reform Party candidate Ross Perot has long been a favorite target for pundits, lampoonists and satirists.
They have ridiculed everything from his machine-gun nasal Texas twang and his large ears to his lack of political experience and his sometimes off-the-wall ideas for overhauling the American economy. Some pundits and jokers have even referred to him as "Old Jug-Ears" (and worse).
However, it would be a terrible mistake to completely ignore or disregard Perot. Many people made this mistake four years ago. However, the then-independent candidate enjoyed a cult following by a group of people often labeled "Peroistas" that netted him and his aged, creaky-looking running mate Admiral James Stockdale an attractive 17 percent in the polls.
Four years later Perot is back with a new party and a new running mate, fellow Texan Pat Choate.
However, the Presidential Commission on Debates has recommended that the Reform party candidates, Perot and Choate, not participate in this year's debates, saying the two have no "realistic" chance of being elected. Perot has threatened to file a lawsuit against the commission in federal court, citing a good three-fourths of the voters have "made it crystal clear" they wanted him included in the debate and demanding "more objective criteria" in selecting debate participants.
Perot, in his first public speech on the hated recommendation, insisted he was a "cur dog" who wouldn't give up without a fight. He also accused the Dole and Clinton camps of attempting to "frighten" his supporters by keeping him out of debates.
Perot told an audience of approximately 600 people at the Commonwealth Club, "This is a blatant display of power by the Republicans and the large donors who fund their campaign."
The Dole camp wanted Perot out of the debates, but the Clinton camp wanted to keep him in. "I enjoyed having [Perot] in there in '92," Clinton told reporters while campaigning in Michigan. "I thought he made a valuable contribution. I'm not afraid of any debate."
Regardless of what one might think of Perot, personally or politically, it would be a grave error to cast Old Jug-Ears on the political ash heap and forget all about him.
What are my personal recommendations for Perot? Start small.
He has some fairly good ideas for "overhauling" this country, as he puts it, and they are at least worthy of giving our ear to. "I'm all ears," Perot said back in 1992, and we should be when-ever Old Jug-Ears pops up on the political stump like a big-eared Jack-in-the-box.
He should seriously consider working his way up in the political ranks, as many good presidents do.
First of all, the majority of presidents have seen some form of military service. If Perot has a military record, he can always pull it out and point to it, just like one of his trademark charts and graphs.
Secondly, he should familiarize himself with every aspect of politics by serving in lower-echelon positions, rather than just coming out of nowhere and saying, "I wanna be president" and expecting voters to take him seriously.
Many presidents and presidential candidates spent years climbing the political ladder. Bob Dole started out as a prosecutor in Kansas and later served as a senator for three decades.
Ronald Reagan was governor of California. Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman, Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford were all vice presidents. The list goes on. I strongly recommend Perot and his Peroistas stop and consider this carefully.
Thirdly, I recommend that Perot consider joining one of the two major political parties because few people take candidates from other parties seriously. Because of his ideas, his following, and his flamboyant and unorthodox approach, Old Jug Ears could be an asset to the Republican party.
And maybe to the Democrats too.
Here is it written by my favorite Muppet, the Swedish Chef--
Reffurm Perty cundeedete-a Russ Perut hes lung beee a fefureete-a terget fur poondeets, lempuuneests und setureests. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zeey hefe-a reedicooled iferytheeng frum hees mecheene-a-goon nesel Texes tvung und hees lerge-a iers tu hees leck ooff puleeticel ixpereeence-a und hees sumeteemes ooffff-zee-vell idees fur ooferhooleeng zee Emereecun icunumy. Bork bork bork! Sume-a poondeets und jukers hefe-a ifee refferred tu heem es "Oold Joog-Iers" (und vurse-a). Hooefer, it vuoold be-a a terreeble-a meesteke-a tu cumpletely ignure-a oor deesregerd Perut. Um de hur de hur de hur. Muny peuple-a mede-a thees meesteke-a fuoor yeers egu. Hooefer, zee zeen-independent cundeedete-a injuyed a coolt fullooeeng by a gruoop ooff peuple-a oofftee lebeled "Perueestes" thet netted heem und hees eged, creeky-luukeeng roonneeng mete-a Edmurel Jemes Stuckdele-a un ettrecteefe-a 17 percent in zee pulls. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Fuoor yeers leter Perut is beck veet a noo perty und a noo roonneeng mete-a, felloo Texun Pet Chuete-a. Hooefer, zee Preseedentiel Cummeessiun oon Debetes hes recummended thet zee Reffurm perty cundeedetes, Perut und Chuete-a, nut perteecipete-a in thees yeer's debetes, seyeeng zee tvu hefe-a nu "reeleestic" chunce-a ooff beeeng ilected. Bork bork bork! Perut hes threetened tu feele-a a levsooeet egeeenst zee cummeessiun in federel cuoort, ceeting a guud three-a-fuoorths ooff zee futers hefe-a "mede-a it crystel cleer" zeey vunted heem inclooded in zee debete-a und demundeeng "mure-a oobjecteefe-a creeteria" in selecteeng debete-a perteecipunts. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Perut, in hees furst poobleec speech oon zee heted recummendeshun, inseested he-a ves a "coor dug" vhu vuooldn't geefe-a up veethuoot a feeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. He-a elsu eccoosed zee Dule-a und Cleentun cemps ooff ettempteeng tu "freeghtee" hees sooppurters by keepeeng heem oooot ooff debetes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Perut tuld un oodeeence-a ooff eppruxeemetely 600 peuple-a et zee Cummunveelt Cloob, "Thees is a bletunt deespley ooff pooer by zee Repoobleecuns und zee lerge-a dunurs vhu foond zeeur cempeeegn. Bork bork bork!" Zee Dule-a cemp vunted Perut oooot ooff zee debetes, boot zee Cleentun cemp vunted tu keep heem in. Bork bork bork! "I injuyed hefeeng [Perut] in zeere-a in '92," Cleentun tuld repurters vheele-a cempeeegning in Meechigun. "I thuooght he-a mede-a a felooeble-a ****reebooshun. I'm nut effreeed ooff uny debete-a." Regerdless ooff vhet oone-a meeght theenk ooff Perut, persunelly oor puleeticelly, it vuoold be-a a grefe-a irrur tu cest Oold Joog-Iers oon zee puleeticel esh heep und furget ell ebuoot heem. Vhet ere-a my persunel recummendeshuns fur Perut? Stert smell. He-a hes sume-a feurly guud idees fur "ooferhooleeng" thees cuoontry, es he-a poots it, und zeey ere-a et leest vurthy ooff geefing oooor ier tu. "I'm ell iers," Perut seeed beck in 1992, und ve-a shuoold be-a vhee-ifer Oold Joog-Iers pups up oon zee puleeticel stoomp leeke-a a beeg-iered Jeck-in-zee-bux. He-a shuoold sereeuoosly cunseeder vurkeeng hees vey up in zee puleeticel runks, es muny guud preseedents du. Furst ooff ell, zee mejureety ooff preseedents hefe-a seee sume-a furm ooff meelitery serfeece-a. Iff Perut hes a meelitery recurd, he-a cun elveys pooll it oooot und pueent tu it, joost leeke-a oone-a ooff hees tredemerk cherts und grephs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Secundly, he-a shuoold femeelierize-a heemselff veet ifery espect ooff puleetics by serfeeng in looer-ichelun puseeshuns, rezeer thun joost cumeeng oooot ooff noohere-a und seyeeng, "I vunna be-a preseedent" und ixpecteeng futers tu teke-a heem sereeuoosly. Bork bork bork! Muny preseedents und preseedentiel cundeedetes spent yeers cleembing zee puleeticel ledder. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Bub Dule-a sterted oooot es a prusecootur in Kunses und leter serfed es a senetur fur three-a decedes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Runeld Reegun ves gufernur ooff Celeeffurnia. Thumes Jeffffersun, Herry Troomun, Reecherd Neexun und Gereld Furd vere-a ell feece-a preseedents. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zee leest gues oon. Bork bork bork! I strungly recummend Perut und hees Perueestes stup und cunseeder thees cereffoolly. Bork bork bork! Thurdly, I recummend thet Perut cunseeder jueening oone-a ooff zee tvu mejur puleeticel perteees becoose-a foo peuple-a teke-a cundeedetes frum oozeer perteees sereeuoosly. Bork bork bork! Becoose-a ooff hees idees, hees fullooeeng, und hees flembuyunt und unurthudux eppruech, Oold Joog Iers cuoold be-a un esset tu zee Repoobleecun perty. Bork bork bork! Und meybe-a tu zee Demucrets tuu.
Here it is written by a redneck after a couple of nips of the ol' brown jug:
Refo'm Party kindidate Rost Perot has long been a favo'ite targit fo' pundits, lampoonists an' satirists. They haf ridiculed ev'rythin' fum his machine-gun nasal Texas twang an' his large ears t'his lack of political experience an' his sometimes off-the-wall ideas fo' on overhaulin' th' South Car'linan economah. Some pundits an' jokers haf even referred t'him as "Old Jug-Ears" (an' wo'se). Howevah, it'd be a terrible mistake t'completely igno'e o' disregard Perot. Menny varmints made this hyar mistake four years ago. Howevah, th' then-independent kindidate injoyed a cult follerin' by a group of varmints offen labeled "Peroistas" thet netted him an' his aged, creaky-lookin' runnin' mate Admiral James Stockdale an attrackive 17 percent in th' polls. Four years later Perot is back wif a noo party an' a noo runnin' mate, feller Texan Pat Choate. Howevah, th' Presidential Commisshun on Debates has recommended thet th' Refo'm party kindidates, Perot an' Choate, not participate in this hyar year's debates, sayin' th' two haf no "realistic" chance of bein' elecked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Perot has thrett uped t'file a lawsueyt aginst th' commisshun in federal court, citin' a fine three-fourths of th' voters haf "made it crystal clear" they wanted him included in th' debate an' deman'in' "mo'e objeckive criteria" in seleckin' debate participants. Perot, in his fust public speech on th' hated recommendashun, insisted he was a "cur houn'dog" who'dn't give up wifout a fight. He also accused th' Dole an' Clinton camps of attemppin' t'"frighten" his suppo'ters by keepin' him outta debates. Perot told an audience of approximately 600 varmints at th' Commonwealth Club, "This hyar is a blatant display of power by th' Republicans an' th' large dono's who fund their campaign, as enny fool kin plainly see." Th' Dole camp wanted Perot outta th' debates, but th' Clinton camp wanted t'keep him in, as enny fool kin plainly see. "ah enjoyed havin' [Perot] in thar in '92," Clinton told repo'ters while campaignin' in Michigan, as enny fool kin plainly see. "ah thunk he made a valuable corntribushun. ah's not afraid of enny debate." Regardless of whut one might reckon of Perot, varmintally o' politically, it'd be a grave erro' t'cast Old Jug-Ears on th' political ash heap an' fo'git all about him, dawgone it. Whut in tarnation is mah varmintal recommendashuns fo' Perot? Start small, ah reckon. He has some fairly fine ideas fo' "ovahhaulin'" this hyar country, as he puts it, an' they is at least wo'thy of givin' our ear to. "ah's all ears," Perot said back in 1992, an' we sh'd be when-evah Old Jug-Ears pops up on th' political stump like a trimenjus-eared Chattanooga-in-the-box. He sh'd seriously cornsider wawkin' his way up in th' political ranks, as menny fine presidents does. Fust of all, th' majo'ity of presidents haf see some fo'm of military service. Eff'n Perot has a military reco'd, he kin allus pull it out an' point t'it, jest like one of his trademark charts an' graphs. Secondly, he sh'd familiarize hisse'f wif ev'ry aspeck of politics by servin' in lower-echelon posishuns, rather than jest a-comin' outta nowhar an' sayin', "ah wanna be president" an' speckin' voters t'take him seriously. Menny presidents an' presidential kindidates spent years climbin' th' political ladder. Billy Bob Dole started out as a prosecuto' in Kansas an' later sarved as a senato' fo' three decades. Chattanooga Reagan was govahno' of Califo'nia. Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman, Richard Nixon an' Gerald Fo'd were all vice presidents. Th' list goes on, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah strongly recommend Perot an' his Peroistas stop an' cornsider this hyar carefully. Thirdly, ah recommend thet Perot cornsider joinin' one of th' two majo' political parties on account o' few varmints take kindidates fum other parties seriously. On account o' of his ideas, his follerin', an' his flamfellaant an' uno'thodox approach, Old Jug Ears c'd be an asset t'th' Republican party. An' mebbe t'th' Democrats too.
Here's what'd happen if I farmed it out to Elmer Fudd for the day:
Wefowm Pawty candidate Woss Pewot has wong been a favowite tawget fow pundits, wampoonists and satiwists. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Dey have widicuwed evewything fwom his machine-gun nasaw Texas twang and his wawge eaws to his wack of powiticaw expewience and his sometimes off-the-waww ideas fow ovewhauwing the Amewican economy. Some pundits and jokews have even wefewwed to him as "Owd Jug-Eaws" (and wowse). Howevew, it wouwd be a tewwibwe mistake to compwetewy ignowe ow diswegawd Pewot. Many peopwe made this mistake fouw yeaws ago. Howevew, the then-independent candidate enjoyed a cuwt fowwowing by a gwoup of peopwe often wabewed "Pewoistas" that netted him and his aged, cweaky-wooking wunning mate Admiwaw James Stockdawe an attwactive 17 pewcent in the powws. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Fouw yeaws watew Pewot is back wif a new pawty and a new wunning mate, fewwow Texan Pat Choate. Howevew, the Pwesidentiaw Commission on Debates has wecommended that the Wefowm pawty candidates, Pewot and Choate, not pawticipate in this yeaw's debates, saying the two have no "weawistic" chance of being ewected. Pewot has thweatened to fiwe a wawsuit against the commission in fedewaw couwt, citing a good thwee-fouwths of the votews have "made it cwystaw cweaw" they wanted him incwuded in the debate and demanding "mowe objective cwitewia" in sewecting debate pawticipants. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Pewot, in his fiwst pubwic speech on the hated wecommendation, insisted he was a "cuw dog" who wouwdn't give up without a fight. He awso accused the Dowe and Cwinton camps of attempting to "fwighten" his suppowtews by keeping him out of debates. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Pewot towd an audience of appwoximatewy 600 peopwe at the Commonweawf Cwub, "Dis is a bwatant dispway of powew by the Wepubwicans and the wawge donows who fund theiw campaign, uh-hah-hah-hah. " De Dowe camp wanted Pewot out of the debates, but the Cwinton camp wanted to keep him in, uh-hah-hah-hah. "I enjoyed having [Pewot] in thewe in '92," Cwinton towd wepowtews whiwe campaigning in Michigan, uh-hah-hah-hah. "I thought he made a vawuabwe contwibution, uh-hah-hah-hah. I'm not afwaid of any debate." Wegawdwess of what one might think of Pewot, pewsonawwy ow powiticawwy, it wouwd be a gwave ewwow to cast Owd Jug-Eaws on the powiticaw ash heap and fowget aww about him. What awe my pewsonaw wecommendations fow Pewot? Stawt smaww. He has some faiwwy good ideas fow "ovewhauwing" this countwy, as he puts it, and they awe at weast wowthy of giving ouw eaw to. "I'm aww eaws," Pewot said back in 1992, and we shouwd be when-evew Owd Jug-Eaws pops up on the powiticaw stump wike a big-eawed Jack-in-the-box. He shouwd sewiouswy considew wowking his way up in the powiticaw wanks, as many good pwesidents do. Fiwst of aww, the majowity of pwesidents have seen some fowm of miwitawy sewvice. If Pewot has a miwitawy wecowd, he can awways puww it out and point to it, just wike one of his twademawk chawts and gwaphs. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Secondwy, he shouwd famiwiawize himsewf wif evewy aspect of powitics by sewving in wowew-echewon positions, wathew than just coming out of nowhewe and saying, "I wanna be pwesident" and expecting votews to take him sewiouswy. Many pwesidents and pwesidentiaw candidates spent yeaws cwimbing the powiticaw waddew. Bob Dowe stawted out as a pwosecutow in Kansas and watew sewved as a senatow fow thwee decades. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Wonawd Weagan was govewnow of Cawifownia. Domas Jeffewson, Hawwy Twuman, Wichawd Nixon and Gewawd Fowd wewe aww vice pwesidents. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! De wist goes on, uh-hah-hah-hah. I stwongwy wecommend Pewot and his Pewoistas stop and considew this cawefuwwy. Diwdwy, I wecommend that Pewot considew joining one of the two majow powiticaw pawties because few peopwe take candidates fwom othew pawties sewiouswy. Because of his ideas, his fowwowing, and his fwamboyant and unowthodox appwoach, Owd Jug Eaws couwd be an asset to the Wepubwican pawty. And maybe to the Democwats too.
Finally, if Pinky wrote it for me :
Reform Knees-up candidate Ross Perot 'as long been a favorite target for pundits, right, lampoonists and satirists. They 'ave ridiculed evryfink from 'is machine-gun nasal Texas twang and 'is large ears ter his lack of political experience and 'is sometimes off-ffe-wall ideas for overhaulin' the a septic tank economy. Some pundits and jokers 'ave even referred ter him as "Old Jug-Ears" (and worse). However, right, it would be a terrible mistake ter completely ignore or disregard Perot. Many blokes made this mistake four years ago. However, the ffen-independent candidate enjoyed a cult followin' by a group of blokes often labeled "Peroistas" that netted 'im and 'is aged, right, creaky-'ave a lookin' runnin' mate Admiral James Stockdale an attractive 17 percent in the polls. Four years later Perot is hammer and tack wiv a new knees-up and a new runnin' mate, fellow Texan Pat Choate. However, the Presidential Commission on Debates 'as recommended that the bloomin' Reform knees-up candidates, Perot and Choate, not participate in this year's debates, sayin' the two 'ave no "realistic" chance of bein' elected. Perot 'as freatened ter Royal Mile a lorwhistle and flute against the bloody commission in federal court, citin' a good free-fourffs of the voters 'ave "made it crystal clear" they wanted 'im included in the debate and demandin' "more objective criteria" in selectin' debate particikegs. Perot, in 'is first public speech on the bleedin' hated recommendation, right, insisted 'e were a "cur dog" 'oo wouldn't give over wivout a fight. He also accused the Dole and Clinton camps of attemptin' ter "frighten" 'is supporters by keepin' 'im out of debates. Perot told an audience of approximately 600 blokes at the Commonwealff Club, "This is a blatant display of power by the bloody Republicans and the large donors 'oo fund their campaign." The Dole camp wanted Perot out of the chuffin' debates, but the bloomin' Clinton camp wanted ter keep 'im in. "I enjoyed 'avin' [Perot] in there in '92," Clinton told reporters wile campaignin' in Michigan. "I fought 'e made a valuable contribution. Right. I'm bloody well not afraid of any debate." Regardless of wot one might fink of Perot, personally or politically, it would be a grave error ter cast Old Jug-Ears on the bleedin' political ash 'eap and forget all about 'im. Wot are me personal recommendations for Perot, luv? Start wee. He 'as some fairly good ideas for "overhaulin'" this country, as 'e puts it, right, and they are at least worffy of givin' us ear to. "I'm bloody well all ears," Perot said hammer and tack in 1992, right, and we should be wen-ever Old Jug-Ears pops up on the political stump like a big-eared Jack-in-ffe-box. He should straight up consider workin' 'is way up in the bloomin' political ranks, right, as many right good presidents do, init? First of all, the majority of presidents 'ave seen some form of military service. If Perot 'as a military record, he can always pull it out and point ter it, just like one of 'is trademark charts and graphs. Secondly, he should familiarize 'imself wiv evry aspect of politics by servin' in lower-echelon positions, right, ravver than just comin' out of nowhere and sayin', "I wanna be president" and expectin' voters ter take 'im straight up. Many presidents and presidential candidates spent years climbin' the bleedin' political ladder, init?Bob Dole started out as a prosecutor in Kansas and later served as a senator for free decades. Ronald Reagan were governor of California. Fomas Jefferson, Harry Truman, Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford were all vice presidents. The list goes on. I strongly recommend Perot and 'is Peroistas put the mockers on and consider this carefully. Firdly, I recommend that Perot consider joinin' one of the bloomin' two major political knees-ups because few blokes take candidates from uvver knees-ups straight up. Cor blimey guv! Because of 'is ideas, his followin', and 'is flamboyant and unorffodox approach, right, Old Jug Ears could be an asset ter the Republican knees-up. And maybe ter the Democrats too.
This'd make a great April Fools' Day edition--a campus rag printed entirely in dialects. :wakko:
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