Justice League live action show? [Archive]

The Guard

12-16-2001, 11:10 AM

Justice League of America pilot was produced in 1997. Heres a movie review. Email me for some pics if you want them. Shudder. So good it never aired on American television, this t.v. pilot features The Flash, Atom, Martian Manhunter, Fire, Ice, and Green Lantern against The Weatherman!

There's a special place in hell reserved for horrible comic book movies (Level 7, right next to the Food Court) and there, next to the racks of tapes devoted to the different Marvel movies, sits an entire table of Justice League of America videotapes for only $15.00 each.

And, sinner that you are, you'd reach for it. You know you would. There's no way you couldn't. Super bad special effects. Cheesy costumes. Superpowers that only an Amiga and a budget lower than an episode of the Jamie Foxx show could provide. And a really fat and green alien superhero named the Martian Manhunter.

Like you could pull yourself away...

The Justice League of America pilot, like Roger Corman's Fantastic Four movie was so awful, it was locked away, never to be seen by mortal eyes. Fortunately (unfortunately?) for us, information wants to be free, particularly incredibly embarrasing information. Available at most comic book conventions and random places in the world, bootlegs of this pilot for a t.v. show that never happened represent an important piece of crappy comic book history (although I'm not sure who would be with me on that). And is it really that bad?

Oh, oh yes.

Horribly bad.
Ridiculously bad.

Feeling bad for the people involved's families bad.

The main plot is that New Metro City is being terrorized by the evil Weatherman. Luckily, the city is protected by a group of people so heroic, they don't realize how terribly lame they look in their uniforms (well, heroic or stupid). The heroes, the Justice League of America (although they only protect Metro City and seem to completely ignore the rest of the country) are just normal joes, trying to live their lives as normal people until the need to dress up and use bad special effects arises. Then, they become:

The Atom!: Played by the guy whose claim to fame was doing the voice of the Cryptmaster for the old Tales From The Crypt HBO series ("Here's another tale from my nut-" well, it's a family site). He's a high-school teacher by day (he was *this* close to becoming The Paddler until the damn school system got rid of corporal punishment) and has the very lame power of being able to shrink himself kind of small. Not real tiny, not all that big, just roughly black guy from Misfits of Science size. Extremely useful power for sneaking under doors and dating your little sister's Barbies.

The Flash!: Unemployed, the Flash is fairly dumb and lazy (changed name from The Speedy Sloth when he realized that didn't make much sense). His power is super speed, not something you want to be known for amongst the ladies. Still, probably better than having shrinking powers, like The Atom. You'd be surprised how quickly word about that spreads amongst the superheroine population.

Green Lantern!: Seems to have the power of no discernable personality, Green Lantern is supposed to be a smooth talker yet distinctly leaves no distinct impression whatsoever. Fascinatingly dull. True comic book geeks may be interested in knowing his name is Guy Gardner in the movie. Of course, the amount you want to know this is directly porpotioned by the amount you have a life. His power comes from a ring that allows him to make this green colored light become solid in any shape he wants. Unfortunately, it can't make a big green personality.

Fire!: Actress by day, superhero by- well, day. Fire spends much of the movie trying to turn away a teenager with a big crush on her. Oh, and saving the world or something. Hard to get a handle on which plot's less lame. She has some kind of firestarter powers which also allow her to fly. Let's also hope she has the power to remove this film from her resume.

Ice!: Joining the crew and gaining her powers during the course of the pilot, Ice is trying to learn what she can do and what she should do with what she can do. She's also busy trying not to laugh at these strange people she's getting to know dressed up like they're going to a sci-fi convention's costume ball. She can create extreme cold around her. Make your own "ex-girlfriend" joke here.

Martian Manhunter!: All you really have to know about this guy in the movie is that he's played by David Ogden Steirs, who played Winchester on MASH. If that doesn't help, picture an overweight older guy completely covered in green foam make-up wandering around in a cape. It truly is that exciting. MM is the leader of the group, but in a Yoda, behind-the-scenes way. He neither does much, nor appears much, but it's probably safe to assume that while the rest of the League is fighting crime and saving the world, he's sitting back with a large tub of chicken wings somewhere. He has shapeshifting powers but chooses to spend most of his time looking like an idiot in cheap make-up. Go figure.

The villian of the movie is ostensibly The Weatherman (played by Miguel Ferrar, who's been specializing in this type of movie for years, sadly), who can control the weather and tries to make some money in it by terrorizing the city (I suppose just patenting it and going for an IPO would be much harder). The real villian, however, is the plot. Nothing much happens. The Weatherman turns out to be a major dud (not much going on there) and the rest of the movie's taken up by everyday stuff like The Flash trying to find a job and The Atom having a crush on Ice- which would be fine if these plots were interesting or funny. They're not. They're boring. The only somewhat interesting bit (and they start off tedious and at least get mildly funny) are these weird little bits with the characters (out of costume) talking to the camera like their in a confessional in the Real World. It's a little strange and stinks at first, but they actually get better until some of the little scenes almost appear as if they could be shown on regular television (well, some cable channel at 2:30 in the morning, at any rate).

I suppose there's something to be said for being the worst comic book movie I've ever seen. I'm not sure what that is (well, I have a suspicion it's "big load of crap"), but I know this: it's bad. Let this be a lesson to all you sinners! Repent! Give not into the temptation of a Justice League of America! Step not into the fire hell! Come towards the light, Carol Ann! Don't stop believing! Come back, Shane!

Ah, well, at least there's always comics...

I think the GL was actuallu HAL JORDAN, with GARDNER'S look and personality .