J. B. Warner
04-01-2005, 10:26 AM
For my first of three movie-length anime fanfics, I present to you the script to "The American Way", my visualization of what it would be like if "Love Hina" got a theatrical release...
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Warner Bros. Pictures Presents
In Association with Bandai Entertainment and Production I.G.
Ken Akamatsu’s
LOVE HINA
The American Way
SCENE: Establishing shot of a beautiful Japanese mountain range. The camera slowly pans past the massive peaks and lush trees before finally coming to rest on a small cabin situated in the woods. A van is parked outside, with banners and cans hanging off the back. One banner in particular reads “JUST MARRIED - FINALLY”.
Cut to inside the cabin. The front door flies open, and Keitaro walks in, carrying Naru over the threshold. He seems to be having a bit of difficulty.
KEITARO (slightly strained): Don’t take this personally, Naru - you’re not heavy, I’m just weak.
NARU: We’re inside, you can put me down now.
KEITARO: Oh, thank God.
Naru gets to her feet and looks around the living room.
NARU: Wow, I can’t believe that this place is ours for the whole week!
KEITARO: I admit it isn’t Todai, but I did the best I could on my savings.
NARU: And here I was thinking that Seta never paid you anything.
Keitaro claps his hands together and looks at Naru.
KEITARO: So, what do you want to do first?
NARU (alluring): Oh, I had something in mind...
Naru flutters her eyelashes seductively.
KEITARO (excited): Oooh! I gotcha!
NARU: You wait here while I go get myself ready - I got something special to wear just for this occasion.
KEITARO: What’s the point? You’ll only be wearin’ it for about thirty seconds?
NARU (laughing): Oh, Keitaro, you sick *******.
KEITARO: Love you too, sweetie.
Naru walks into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Keitaro looks around anxiously, and his eyes come to rest on the envelope sitting on the floor beneath the mail slot in the front door.
KEITARO: What the... Mail already?
Keitaro crosses to the door, picks up the envelope, and opens it. He unfolds the letter inside and reads it.
KEITARO: Hey...hey, this sounds interesting!
Keitaro folds the letter back up and puts it in his pocket. He walks over to the bedroom door.
KEITARO: Hey, Naru, you’re not gonna believe this! Guess who just wrote to us?
Keitaro flings the door open and stops dead in his tracks, his expression one of great shock. Naru looks up, in the middle of changing into the translucent gown she has laid out on the bed. Her skirt is already halfway off. She looks enraged.
NARU (frustrated): Keitaro, you sick *******...
Keitaro sighs and closes his eyes. He takes his glasses off.
KEITARO: All right, go ahead...but this is the last time, got it?
NARU: We’ll see!
Naru hauls back and punches Keitaro square in the nose. The force sends Keitaro flying back out the front door of the cabin, skidding across the ground on his head and finally coming to a stop by slamming into a tree trunk. He collapses, unconscious. Naru looks out the front door at her accomplishment and whistles in astonishment.
NARU: Wow, would you look at the distance on that one?
Smash cut to the sky above the Kanagawa prefecture, as the opening credits begin.
Music cue: “All Right Now” by Free
After the main title appears onscreen, the camera pans down to a street in the hot springs region of Hinata. As people stroll up and down the sidewalks, a streetcar makes its way down the track in the middle of the pavement. It begins to slow down as it approaches the curb, in front of a large stone staircase embedded in a hill surrounded by trees. A sign by the stairway indicates the name and open hours of the inn at the top of the hill. The streetcar engineer calls out the name of the stop.
ENGINEER: Hinata Hot Springs. Repeat, Hinata Hot Springs.
At this, Keitaro and Naru wrench open the streetcar door and push their way out of the crowded car, both looking slightly disheveled from being crammed in there so long. Naru yells at a man who is still on board.
NARU: And next time, keep your hands to yourself or it won’t just be your nose that I punch in!
KEITARO: Naru, it is possible he didn’t mean it. I mean, he was brushed up against me too.
NARU (jokingly): Hey, after living with you for seven years, I don’t take any chances.
The two of them make their way up the stone steps, which number at least two hundred. The camera follows their feet as they continue to step.
KEITARO: Well, you should know by now that I never meant it either.
NARU: Really? I always thought you were just a really good liar.
KEITARO: Well, once we get inside, you can ask Shinobu, she’ll vouch for me.
NARU: She’ll vouch for you on anything. She practically embodies the term "lickspittle".
Keitaro and Naru continue to walk, finally reaching the top step. A camera angle from behind them shows the full establishing shot of the Hinata House Girls’ Leased Apartment Complex.
KEITARO: Ah, good old Hinata House. This place brings back the memories.
NARU: Only about half of which are pleasant. You can share them with the other girls once we get inside. They’re always eager to reminisce about the old days.
Fade out music cue.
Cut to the dining room, inside the inn. Mitsune “Kitsune” Konno, Kaolla Su, Ema Maeda, and Motoko Aoyama are already seated at the table, entertaining each other with jokes before dinner. Or at least Kitsune and Su are; Motoko sits with her arms crossed, looking nonplused and irritated, and Ema sits at her spot looking shy.
KITSUNE (struggling to speak coherently while stifling laughter): And so, and so the mother looks up at the school counselor and says, “I know, but not in church!”
Kitsune and Su laugh uproariously. Motoko shakes her head disapprovingly.
MOTOKO: I find that joke offensive and in incredibly poor taste.
SU (still laughing): Yeah, well it finds you offensive and in incredibly poor taste!
Su turns back to face Kitsune.
SU: Did that make sense?
KITSUNE: Who cares?
EMA: Boy, you guys sure don’t pull any punches with your jokes, do you?
Kitsune takes a swig from her beer can.
KITSUNE: Believe me, hang around this joint long enough and you develop a VERY nasty sense of humor.
Cut to the kitchen, where Shinobu is tending to the food. As she opens the oven door and peeks in, she grabs a baster off the counter and squirts it inside. She takes it back out, then pauses and thinks a moment.
SHINOBU: Oh, what the heck.
She empties the baster’s contents onto whatever’s inside the oven. The kitchen door opens, and Keitaro and Naru enter. Shinobu whips the baster out and throws it over her shoulder, slamming the door shut with a loud clang.
SHINOBU: That wasn’t white wine, I dunno what you’re talking about.
KEITARO: It doesn’t matter, we’re all above 18 here.
NARU: All but Ema, and she can just eat around it.
Shinobu turns down the heat on one of the burners atop the stove and removes a boiling pot, taking it over to the sink and draining it with a strainer.
SHINOBU: I’m glad to see you and Naru were able to make it, Sempai. Where’s Mutsumi?
Keitaro shrugs.
KEITARO: Oh, you know her, busy little grad student that she is, she’s got work to catch up on. She says she’ll be here by seven.
Naru looks at her watch.
NARU: Well, that’s about twenty minutes from now, so we might as well settle in. Is Kitsune breaking out the dirty jokes yet?
SHINOBU: You better believe it. She just got finished with her "guidance counselor" one.
KEITARO (aside to Naru): We’d better hurry before we miss the "bullfrog" one.
Keitaro and Naru cross the kitchen and enter the dining room. Again, Kitsune has Su’s attention with another joke, with Motoko and Ema wearing the same expressions as before.
KITSUNE (stifling laughter): And then, the guy looks up from the stove and he says to her, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re outta here!”
Kitsune and Su burst out laughing as Ema forces a fake laugh. Motoko rolls her eyes.
MOTOKO (sarcastic): Yes, because I never get tired of THAT one.
Keitaro and Naru seat themselves across from Kitsune and Motoko.
KEITARO: Good to see we’re all in high spirits here.
KITSUNE: Hey, Keitaro, hey, Naru. How goes things with you two love bugs anywho?
NARU: Great! We’ve already decided on a house.
SU: Good for you! It’s a house with a bed, I assume?
Su playfully elbows Ema in the ribs and makes a suggestive “Ooh-hoo-hoo” noise. Ema doesn’t seem to get it.
NARU: That is none of your damn business, Su.
SU: That never stopped me before.
The door to the kitchen slides open, and Shinobu enters with two large bowls of rice. She places them on the table.
SHINOBU: Les appetizers est servi, said the student who sucks at French.
KEITARO: Ooh, looks good, Shinobu I can’t wait to see what the next course looks like.
As each girl fills her own bowl with rice, Keitaro also helps himself. Kitsune glances at him.
KITSUNE: So, Keitaro, while we’re all high-spirited and, for the majority, sober, why don’t you regale us with a few jokes and anecdotes of your own?
SU: Anecdotes? What do those taste like?
Keitaro lowers his bowl and rubs the back of his head.
KEITARO: Well, I have one joke, but you’re all gonna punch me for it.
KITSUNE: Oh, it can’t be that bad! Come on, tell it.
KEITARO: Okay, okay...so, these three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all notice that their female boss is taking the lunch period off every day, right? So...
Suddenly, Su reaches across the table and punches Keitaro in the nose, causing him to fall backwards and hit his head on the wall. Everyone in attendance is appalled.
NARU: (upset) Su!
SU (composed): Sorry, pre-emptive strike. Do continue.
Keitaro gets up from below the table, dazed.
KEITARO: No, I’m good, thanks...
Cut to about twenty minutes later. Outside, the sun sinks deeper below the horizon as night sets in. A lone figure makes its way up the Hinata House steps, tailed by a much smaller flying figure. Inside the dining room, the seats at the table are now almost completely filled, except for one at the far end of the table that is reserved for Mutsumi. Everyone else is laughing as they enjoy the main course and the anecdotes shared by Keitaro and Naru. Ema is particularly captivated by their story, having never heard it before. It’s the story of Keitaro and Naru’s adventure off the coast of Okinawa.
NARU: And so I’m flailing around on the life raft begging for water, right? And Mutsumi pulls out, of all things, a bunch of dried squid. And I’m lookin’ at her in, like, total disbelief, like, “Lady, do you even understand the concept of hydration?”
KEITARO: Now, to make matters even worse, this is where our raft decides to spring a leak out of nowhere, okay? So, we’re all going down, and we’re flailing and screaming for help, right, and Mutsumi just sits there – smiling, mind you – and she says “Oh my, this can’t be good, can it?” And of course, she’s the next one to wind up in the drink, naturally...
The door suddenly slides open. Everyone turns to see who’s in the doorway – it’s Mutsumi, with Tama-chan the turtle on her shoulder. She claps her hands together and smiles.
MUTSUMI: Oh me, oh my, I know this story! Back in 1999, right?
NARU: Mutsumi! You made it! How ya been?
MUTSUMI: Oh, can’t complain. Studies are going well, and it’s all thanks to the pencil trick.
Mutsumi pulls a pencil with the numbers one through six written on its sides out of her pocket and rolls it on the table. It stops on the number six.
SHINOBU: I still can’t believe that thing works.
Tama-chan notices how much food is left on the table and flies down to help himself – landing right in front of Motoko’s place. Motoko squirms uneasily.
MOTOKO: Honestly, Otohime, did you have to bring the thing with you?
MUTSUMI: Oh, Tama-chan isn’t posing a threat to anybody.
EMA: Maybe not, but what about the other way around?
For Tama-chan has flown off the table, nanoseconds before Su brings her fork down right where the turtle was sitting. She yanks her utensil out of the table.
SU (shaking her fist): One of these days, turtle...pow! Bam! Right down my gullet!
KEITARO: And about two people around the table got that.
NARU: Anyways, back to the story. So we’re sinking fast, and this is about where I blacked out, and when I wake up, I’m on this island that seems to be in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, Keitaro and Mutsumi are right be hind me, and this nutball is still unconscious, so I drag him onto the beach so he can dry out...
Naru’s voice fades out as the camera slowly zooms in on Keitaro’s face, who looks around the table – at Naru, Ema, Mutsumi, Tama-chan, Su, Kitsune, Motoko, and Shinobu. He smiles to himself, but is snapped out of his thoughts by something hitting him on the forehead. He sees that Kitsune just hit him with an uneaten sushi bit. She motions for him to join her in the other room. Keitaro cautiously gets up and follows Kitsune into the kitchen.
KEITARO: Kitsune, what have you got planned? Before you do anything rash, keep in mind that Naru and I are married and that you’ve had about five beers in the last twenty minutes...
KITSUNE: No, as hard as this may be to believe, I have other things on my mind besides sex and booze. Keitaro, you remember how you used to own Hinata House?
KEITARO (leaning on the countertop): How could I forget? Those were the best years of my life! You know, aside from all the beatings, bruisings, and internal bleedings, but the love was there...I think.
KITSUNE: So, you enjoyed it, right?
KEITARO: Oh, hell yeah. I’d do it again if I could.
Kitsune throws her beer over her shoulder and lunges forward, tugging at Keitaro’s shirt madly.
KITSUNE: Good, because I CAN’T STAND THIS JOB!
KEITARO: ...I had a feeling this was coming to that.
Kitsune lets go and paces around the kitchen, sweeping her arms dramatically for added emphasis.
KITSUNE: It’s pure torture! Cleaning the whole house from top to bottom, having to monitor everyone’s rents...and looking out for Su! Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to put up with her hanging over you when you’re trying to work?
KEITARO: Yes.
KITSUNE: Wow, that was a dumb question. Anyway, you’ve gotta help out a sister in need! You owe me one here, Urashima! If it wasn’t for me, you and Naru would never have gotten together!
KEITARO: Are you talking about the time you tried to force us to have sex just so you could videotape it?
Kitsune grabs Keitaro’s wrist and drags him back towards the door.
KITSUNE: I knew you’d see it my way, pal! Now come on, I gotta make an announcement.
The two reseat themselves at the table, where everyone is laughing at Naru’s continuation of the story. The laughter is broken by a metallic clanking sound. Kitsune is tapping a fork on the side of her beer can.
KITSUNE: Uh, excuse me, I hate to interrupt the story, but I need to say something before the alcohol makes me forget it again. Now I suppose you’re all wondering why I decided to hold this dinner tonight...
SU: Doesn’t matter to me, why should I object to free food?
KITSUNE: ...But I must admit I had some slightly ulterior motives. Me being the sneaky underhanded ***** that I am.
Everyone chuckles slightly.
KITSUNE: That wasn’t a joke. Now, you all undoubtedly remember that shortly after Julio and Romiet here got hitched in the shackles of holy matrimony...
She gestures to Keitaro and Naru.
KITSUNE: ...And since it was barely two weeks ago, I don’t see how you could have forgotten that before leaving for the honeymoon, Keitaro decided to put a good-sized chunk of time into starting a life with Naru and officially handed ownership of the Hinata House to me. At the time, I saw no long-term problems – I mean, Keitaro seemed to handle getting kicked in the face on a daily basis okay, right?
Everyone nods in assent and mutters their agreement.
KITSUNE: Hey, deadheads, THAT was the joke!...Anyway, it ultimately turned out to be a lot more than I bargained for. It especially took a turn for the difficult when a magazine called me back and agreed to publish one of my short stories. Yes, for those of you who don’t know, I’m a freelance writer in the off-hours.
EMA: What magazine was it?
KITSUNE (sheepishly): Uh... "Penthouse Japan".
MOTOKO: Saw that one comin’.
KITSUNE: And to accommodate this sudden change of schedule, I’ve decided to return to my humble life as a writer’s blocked boozehoundette and subsequently turn my landlording duties back over to the only man in my life who I ever had to force to touch my boobs, Keitaro Urashima.
She pulls the keys to the Hinata House’s front door out of her pocket and dangles them in front of Keitaro’s shocked face.
KITSUNE: So, Urashima, here’s the keys to your used girl’s dormitory. Try not to ding it up too much.
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To be continued...
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Warner Bros. Pictures Presents
In Association with Bandai Entertainment and Production I.G.
Ken Akamatsu’s
LOVE HINA
The American Way
SCENE: Establishing shot of a beautiful Japanese mountain range. The camera slowly pans past the massive peaks and lush trees before finally coming to rest on a small cabin situated in the woods. A van is parked outside, with banners and cans hanging off the back. One banner in particular reads “JUST MARRIED - FINALLY”.
Cut to inside the cabin. The front door flies open, and Keitaro walks in, carrying Naru over the threshold. He seems to be having a bit of difficulty.
KEITARO (slightly strained): Don’t take this personally, Naru - you’re not heavy, I’m just weak.
NARU: We’re inside, you can put me down now.
KEITARO: Oh, thank God.
Naru gets to her feet and looks around the living room.
NARU: Wow, I can’t believe that this place is ours for the whole week!
KEITARO: I admit it isn’t Todai, but I did the best I could on my savings.
NARU: And here I was thinking that Seta never paid you anything.
Keitaro claps his hands together and looks at Naru.
KEITARO: So, what do you want to do first?
NARU (alluring): Oh, I had something in mind...
Naru flutters her eyelashes seductively.
KEITARO (excited): Oooh! I gotcha!
NARU: You wait here while I go get myself ready - I got something special to wear just for this occasion.
KEITARO: What’s the point? You’ll only be wearin’ it for about thirty seconds?
NARU (laughing): Oh, Keitaro, you sick *******.
KEITARO: Love you too, sweetie.
Naru walks into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Keitaro looks around anxiously, and his eyes come to rest on the envelope sitting on the floor beneath the mail slot in the front door.
KEITARO: What the... Mail already?
Keitaro crosses to the door, picks up the envelope, and opens it. He unfolds the letter inside and reads it.
KEITARO: Hey...hey, this sounds interesting!
Keitaro folds the letter back up and puts it in his pocket. He walks over to the bedroom door.
KEITARO: Hey, Naru, you’re not gonna believe this! Guess who just wrote to us?
Keitaro flings the door open and stops dead in his tracks, his expression one of great shock. Naru looks up, in the middle of changing into the translucent gown she has laid out on the bed. Her skirt is already halfway off. She looks enraged.
NARU (frustrated): Keitaro, you sick *******...
Keitaro sighs and closes his eyes. He takes his glasses off.
KEITARO: All right, go ahead...but this is the last time, got it?
NARU: We’ll see!
Naru hauls back and punches Keitaro square in the nose. The force sends Keitaro flying back out the front door of the cabin, skidding across the ground on his head and finally coming to a stop by slamming into a tree trunk. He collapses, unconscious. Naru looks out the front door at her accomplishment and whistles in astonishment.
NARU: Wow, would you look at the distance on that one?
Smash cut to the sky above the Kanagawa prefecture, as the opening credits begin.
Music cue: “All Right Now” by Free
After the main title appears onscreen, the camera pans down to a street in the hot springs region of Hinata. As people stroll up and down the sidewalks, a streetcar makes its way down the track in the middle of the pavement. It begins to slow down as it approaches the curb, in front of a large stone staircase embedded in a hill surrounded by trees. A sign by the stairway indicates the name and open hours of the inn at the top of the hill. The streetcar engineer calls out the name of the stop.
ENGINEER: Hinata Hot Springs. Repeat, Hinata Hot Springs.
At this, Keitaro and Naru wrench open the streetcar door and push their way out of the crowded car, both looking slightly disheveled from being crammed in there so long. Naru yells at a man who is still on board.
NARU: And next time, keep your hands to yourself or it won’t just be your nose that I punch in!
KEITARO: Naru, it is possible he didn’t mean it. I mean, he was brushed up against me too.
NARU (jokingly): Hey, after living with you for seven years, I don’t take any chances.
The two of them make their way up the stone steps, which number at least two hundred. The camera follows their feet as they continue to step.
KEITARO: Well, you should know by now that I never meant it either.
NARU: Really? I always thought you were just a really good liar.
KEITARO: Well, once we get inside, you can ask Shinobu, she’ll vouch for me.
NARU: She’ll vouch for you on anything. She practically embodies the term "lickspittle".
Keitaro and Naru continue to walk, finally reaching the top step. A camera angle from behind them shows the full establishing shot of the Hinata House Girls’ Leased Apartment Complex.
KEITARO: Ah, good old Hinata House. This place brings back the memories.
NARU: Only about half of which are pleasant. You can share them with the other girls once we get inside. They’re always eager to reminisce about the old days.
Fade out music cue.
Cut to the dining room, inside the inn. Mitsune “Kitsune” Konno, Kaolla Su, Ema Maeda, and Motoko Aoyama are already seated at the table, entertaining each other with jokes before dinner. Or at least Kitsune and Su are; Motoko sits with her arms crossed, looking nonplused and irritated, and Ema sits at her spot looking shy.
KITSUNE (struggling to speak coherently while stifling laughter): And so, and so the mother looks up at the school counselor and says, “I know, but not in church!”
Kitsune and Su laugh uproariously. Motoko shakes her head disapprovingly.
MOTOKO: I find that joke offensive and in incredibly poor taste.
SU (still laughing): Yeah, well it finds you offensive and in incredibly poor taste!
Su turns back to face Kitsune.
SU: Did that make sense?
KITSUNE: Who cares?
EMA: Boy, you guys sure don’t pull any punches with your jokes, do you?
Kitsune takes a swig from her beer can.
KITSUNE: Believe me, hang around this joint long enough and you develop a VERY nasty sense of humor.
Cut to the kitchen, where Shinobu is tending to the food. As she opens the oven door and peeks in, she grabs a baster off the counter and squirts it inside. She takes it back out, then pauses and thinks a moment.
SHINOBU: Oh, what the heck.
She empties the baster’s contents onto whatever’s inside the oven. The kitchen door opens, and Keitaro and Naru enter. Shinobu whips the baster out and throws it over her shoulder, slamming the door shut with a loud clang.
SHINOBU: That wasn’t white wine, I dunno what you’re talking about.
KEITARO: It doesn’t matter, we’re all above 18 here.
NARU: All but Ema, and she can just eat around it.
Shinobu turns down the heat on one of the burners atop the stove and removes a boiling pot, taking it over to the sink and draining it with a strainer.
SHINOBU: I’m glad to see you and Naru were able to make it, Sempai. Where’s Mutsumi?
Keitaro shrugs.
KEITARO: Oh, you know her, busy little grad student that she is, she’s got work to catch up on. She says she’ll be here by seven.
Naru looks at her watch.
NARU: Well, that’s about twenty minutes from now, so we might as well settle in. Is Kitsune breaking out the dirty jokes yet?
SHINOBU: You better believe it. She just got finished with her "guidance counselor" one.
KEITARO (aside to Naru): We’d better hurry before we miss the "bullfrog" one.
Keitaro and Naru cross the kitchen and enter the dining room. Again, Kitsune has Su’s attention with another joke, with Motoko and Ema wearing the same expressions as before.
KITSUNE (stifling laughter): And then, the guy looks up from the stove and he says to her, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re outta here!”
Kitsune and Su burst out laughing as Ema forces a fake laugh. Motoko rolls her eyes.
MOTOKO (sarcastic): Yes, because I never get tired of THAT one.
Keitaro and Naru seat themselves across from Kitsune and Motoko.
KEITARO: Good to see we’re all in high spirits here.
KITSUNE: Hey, Keitaro, hey, Naru. How goes things with you two love bugs anywho?
NARU: Great! We’ve already decided on a house.
SU: Good for you! It’s a house with a bed, I assume?
Su playfully elbows Ema in the ribs and makes a suggestive “Ooh-hoo-hoo” noise. Ema doesn’t seem to get it.
NARU: That is none of your damn business, Su.
SU: That never stopped me before.
The door to the kitchen slides open, and Shinobu enters with two large bowls of rice. She places them on the table.
SHINOBU: Les appetizers est servi, said the student who sucks at French.
KEITARO: Ooh, looks good, Shinobu I can’t wait to see what the next course looks like.
As each girl fills her own bowl with rice, Keitaro also helps himself. Kitsune glances at him.
KITSUNE: So, Keitaro, while we’re all high-spirited and, for the majority, sober, why don’t you regale us with a few jokes and anecdotes of your own?
SU: Anecdotes? What do those taste like?
Keitaro lowers his bowl and rubs the back of his head.
KEITARO: Well, I have one joke, but you’re all gonna punch me for it.
KITSUNE: Oh, it can’t be that bad! Come on, tell it.
KEITARO: Okay, okay...so, these three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all notice that their female boss is taking the lunch period off every day, right? So...
Suddenly, Su reaches across the table and punches Keitaro in the nose, causing him to fall backwards and hit his head on the wall. Everyone in attendance is appalled.
NARU: (upset) Su!
SU (composed): Sorry, pre-emptive strike. Do continue.
Keitaro gets up from below the table, dazed.
KEITARO: No, I’m good, thanks...
Cut to about twenty minutes later. Outside, the sun sinks deeper below the horizon as night sets in. A lone figure makes its way up the Hinata House steps, tailed by a much smaller flying figure. Inside the dining room, the seats at the table are now almost completely filled, except for one at the far end of the table that is reserved for Mutsumi. Everyone else is laughing as they enjoy the main course and the anecdotes shared by Keitaro and Naru. Ema is particularly captivated by their story, having never heard it before. It’s the story of Keitaro and Naru’s adventure off the coast of Okinawa.
NARU: And so I’m flailing around on the life raft begging for water, right? And Mutsumi pulls out, of all things, a bunch of dried squid. And I’m lookin’ at her in, like, total disbelief, like, “Lady, do you even understand the concept of hydration?”
KEITARO: Now, to make matters even worse, this is where our raft decides to spring a leak out of nowhere, okay? So, we’re all going down, and we’re flailing and screaming for help, right, and Mutsumi just sits there – smiling, mind you – and she says “Oh my, this can’t be good, can it?” And of course, she’s the next one to wind up in the drink, naturally...
The door suddenly slides open. Everyone turns to see who’s in the doorway – it’s Mutsumi, with Tama-chan the turtle on her shoulder. She claps her hands together and smiles.
MUTSUMI: Oh me, oh my, I know this story! Back in 1999, right?
NARU: Mutsumi! You made it! How ya been?
MUTSUMI: Oh, can’t complain. Studies are going well, and it’s all thanks to the pencil trick.
Mutsumi pulls a pencil with the numbers one through six written on its sides out of her pocket and rolls it on the table. It stops on the number six.
SHINOBU: I still can’t believe that thing works.
Tama-chan notices how much food is left on the table and flies down to help himself – landing right in front of Motoko’s place. Motoko squirms uneasily.
MOTOKO: Honestly, Otohime, did you have to bring the thing with you?
MUTSUMI: Oh, Tama-chan isn’t posing a threat to anybody.
EMA: Maybe not, but what about the other way around?
For Tama-chan has flown off the table, nanoseconds before Su brings her fork down right where the turtle was sitting. She yanks her utensil out of the table.
SU (shaking her fist): One of these days, turtle...pow! Bam! Right down my gullet!
KEITARO: And about two people around the table got that.
NARU: Anyways, back to the story. So we’re sinking fast, and this is about where I blacked out, and when I wake up, I’m on this island that seems to be in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, Keitaro and Mutsumi are right be hind me, and this nutball is still unconscious, so I drag him onto the beach so he can dry out...
Naru’s voice fades out as the camera slowly zooms in on Keitaro’s face, who looks around the table – at Naru, Ema, Mutsumi, Tama-chan, Su, Kitsune, Motoko, and Shinobu. He smiles to himself, but is snapped out of his thoughts by something hitting him on the forehead. He sees that Kitsune just hit him with an uneaten sushi bit. She motions for him to join her in the other room. Keitaro cautiously gets up and follows Kitsune into the kitchen.
KEITARO: Kitsune, what have you got planned? Before you do anything rash, keep in mind that Naru and I are married and that you’ve had about five beers in the last twenty minutes...
KITSUNE: No, as hard as this may be to believe, I have other things on my mind besides sex and booze. Keitaro, you remember how you used to own Hinata House?
KEITARO (leaning on the countertop): How could I forget? Those were the best years of my life! You know, aside from all the beatings, bruisings, and internal bleedings, but the love was there...I think.
KITSUNE: So, you enjoyed it, right?
KEITARO: Oh, hell yeah. I’d do it again if I could.
Kitsune throws her beer over her shoulder and lunges forward, tugging at Keitaro’s shirt madly.
KITSUNE: Good, because I CAN’T STAND THIS JOB!
KEITARO: ...I had a feeling this was coming to that.
Kitsune lets go and paces around the kitchen, sweeping her arms dramatically for added emphasis.
KITSUNE: It’s pure torture! Cleaning the whole house from top to bottom, having to monitor everyone’s rents...and looking out for Su! Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to put up with her hanging over you when you’re trying to work?
KEITARO: Yes.
KITSUNE: Wow, that was a dumb question. Anyway, you’ve gotta help out a sister in need! You owe me one here, Urashima! If it wasn’t for me, you and Naru would never have gotten together!
KEITARO: Are you talking about the time you tried to force us to have sex just so you could videotape it?
Kitsune grabs Keitaro’s wrist and drags him back towards the door.
KITSUNE: I knew you’d see it my way, pal! Now come on, I gotta make an announcement.
The two reseat themselves at the table, where everyone is laughing at Naru’s continuation of the story. The laughter is broken by a metallic clanking sound. Kitsune is tapping a fork on the side of her beer can.
KITSUNE: Uh, excuse me, I hate to interrupt the story, but I need to say something before the alcohol makes me forget it again. Now I suppose you’re all wondering why I decided to hold this dinner tonight...
SU: Doesn’t matter to me, why should I object to free food?
KITSUNE: ...But I must admit I had some slightly ulterior motives. Me being the sneaky underhanded ***** that I am.
Everyone chuckles slightly.
KITSUNE: That wasn’t a joke. Now, you all undoubtedly remember that shortly after Julio and Romiet here got hitched in the shackles of holy matrimony...
She gestures to Keitaro and Naru.
KITSUNE: ...And since it was barely two weeks ago, I don’t see how you could have forgotten that before leaving for the honeymoon, Keitaro decided to put a good-sized chunk of time into starting a life with Naru and officially handed ownership of the Hinata House to me. At the time, I saw no long-term problems – I mean, Keitaro seemed to handle getting kicked in the face on a daily basis okay, right?
Everyone nods in assent and mutters their agreement.
KITSUNE: Hey, deadheads, THAT was the joke!...Anyway, it ultimately turned out to be a lot more than I bargained for. It especially took a turn for the difficult when a magazine called me back and agreed to publish one of my short stories. Yes, for those of you who don’t know, I’m a freelance writer in the off-hours.
EMA: What magazine was it?
KITSUNE (sheepishly): Uh... "Penthouse Japan".
MOTOKO: Saw that one comin’.
KITSUNE: And to accommodate this sudden change of schedule, I’ve decided to return to my humble life as a writer’s blocked boozehoundette and subsequently turn my landlording duties back over to the only man in my life who I ever had to force to touch my boobs, Keitaro Urashima.
She pulls the keys to the Hinata House’s front door out of her pocket and dangles them in front of Keitaro’s shocked face.
KITSUNE: So, Urashima, here’s the keys to your used girl’s dormitory. Try not to ding it up too much.
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To be continued...