Brandon Pierce
10-30-2001, 07:27 AM
[CN Satellite]
(The bridge is decked out like a hospital, with Kiddiesunshine on the desk and Dr. Belch as a surgeon.)
Brian Cruz: Previously, On the Sateellite of Love.
Jon: His BP is droppin' fast!
Dr. Belch: We're losing him!
Gotlucky: (With defibrilators) Like hell we are... CLEAR! (Zaps kiddiesunshine) C'mon! Live! C'mon! Live!
(Cut to a different scene, with happy heathen and a girl puppet at a table having dinner. Happy is dressed in a tuxedo, puppet has rediculously red lips.)
Happy: More broccoli?
Puppet: It isn't broccoli I want... It's... You! (Heathen drops the broccoli and sweeps the food off the table, grabbing puppet in a passionate kiss. Her eyes flashes.)
(Cut to Jon, in a dissheveled suit, smoking a cigarette, Being berated by Pietro and Sogturtle, wearing dress shirts with loose ties. Pietro holds a chicken puppet.)
Pietro: Yeah, look at me. You know what I think? I think you KNEW that chicken puppet was stuffed with explosives! Didn't you?! Didn't you?!
Jon: No!
Sogturtle: Come on, answer the question you skell!
Jon: No!
Pietro: Stop lying!
(Cut to another scene on the bridge of the SOL, this time with a blue bowl filled with gold liquid and Brandon standing next to it. As we watch, a melting Patrick McCart's head rises out of the bowl.)
Brandon: Calvin! Come on, you're gonna make it buddy! Come on!
Patrick: Unnh... No... the sauce.. too rich... It's too thick.
Brandon: Oh no!
Patrick: Save yourself!
Brandon: Crowe! Take my hand!
(Cut to a wide shot of the bridge, where Jon is standing in a suit and trenchcoat, pointing a gun at something offscreen. Lighting is nice and dramatic.)
Jon: Don't make me shoot you! HAPPY HEATHEN!!!
Brian: And now, tonight's episode.
(Commercial break.)
Segment 2
[Cn Satellite]
(Happy Heathen has his hands and arms wrapped around Jon's neck.)
Happy: You'll pay with your miserable life! Muahahaha!
Jon: Uh, Tom, we're back in the regular world now.
Happy: How could you sleep with Amanda?! Wait.. What? Oh, heheheheh...
Jon: I better check on what's going on in the Turner Cruiser.
Happy: Oh, sure.
Jon: Could you stop choking me?
Happy: Uh, I can't.
[Turner Cruiser]
(Klasky has a rope hanging out the window, Scannell is gone, Turner appears to be bored)
Turner: Hey, Meddling Kids! Time to take your cartoon medicine!
Scannell (from below the ship): Uh... don't look!
Turner: We're not looking! Uhh... Herb has to.... uh.... g.... go. So, Arlene here tied a rope around him and sent him out. Any way, your cartoons are...
Scannell: You're looking I know you are!
Klasky: Believe me, there is nothing I'd like to look at less!
Scannell: Well, I'm gonna go into this big tunnel thing here, so you can't look at (sound effect of herb getting sucked into something) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Klasky (realizing what's happening): Hey! Waitaminute! I wouldn't... that's... a... wormhole.
Turner: A wormwhat?
Klasky: A worm hole!
Turner: A whathole?
Klasky: A WORM HOLE! WORM HOLE! The space rift where all time and matter is rearanged at random!
Turner: Oh big deal.
Klasky: Well it is! There very dangerous!
Turner: Well, so am I, let's get in there and get that Nick president!
Klasky: Why?
Turner: What if Herb causes one of them weird numbers where he goes back in time and steps on a butterfly or something, and then 'cause of that, mammals as we know them never evolve, and then 'cause of that, mankind never invents slot machines, and my favorite hobby goes straight down the toitey, huh?
Klasky: Your logic is irrefutable...
Turner: Hey Cooke, we're going wormhole surfing.
[CN Satellite]
Jon: G'bye! So long! G'bye! G'bye now!
Gotlucky: So long! Don't forget to write! Bye!
Brandon: Arrevederchi! Bye! Bon voyage-y!
Turner: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no. No. You're coming with. Hey, Klasky, how about using that brain of yours to give these guys a tow?
(klasky is on top of the ship dressed like a cowboy and twirling a lasso)
Klasky: Yeah, I'll do that for ya, sir, but then I gots to be moseying along. I got spurs that go jingley jangley jingle, after all, that's just the way I am. I'll kiss you now, sir, and then I...(turner begins choking klasky)
Turner: Will you just lasso the stupid ship, please?!
Observer: Okay, okay. I'll show you where all the cowboys have gone!
(throws lasso, it grabs a hold of the satellite)
Pietro (imitating Tom Servo from MST3K): Woah, we're being bronco busted!
Jon: Hang on, little dogeys!
Klasky (holding on to the rope): Woah! Woah, that's heavy.
Turner: We hope you enjoy flying Wormhole Express Airlines. Your in-flight movie today is a little confection from our friends in Japan called "Attack of the Prehistoric Pokemon".
[CN satellite]
Jon: Wow, a wormhole. All sorts of weird stuff could happen!
Argus: And it probably will!
Brandon: Even worse. We have LT Sign.
[first half of "Pokemon"]
{after cartoon]
{CN Satellite]
(There is a strange green glow...we see Kiddiesunshine holding a chicken puppet.}
Kiddiesunshine: Oh yeah, Jon, I was wondering that myself, weird, isn't it?
(Jon enters.)
Jon: Oh, hey, Kiddie--how'd you get here so fast?
Kiddiesunshine: Oh, he'll be along, I have his chicken puppet.
Jon: Hey, where's Matthew?
Kiddiesunshine: Talking like what?
Jon: Why're you talking like that?
Kiddiesunshine: Well, no, I'm not, I'm just way ahead of you, Jon.
Jon: Well, like that, you know? You're answering my questions before I ask them. (to Matthew, who isn't there) I dunno, I'm asking him the same thing.
Kiddiesunshine: No, you dope, I mean I'm moving faster than you *temporally* speaking.
Jon (insulted): Hey, whaddya mean you're way ahead of me?
Kiddiesunshine: Well, I asked you for it, Matt, you were right here.
(Matt enters)
Matthew: Hi guys! Hey, how'd you get here so fast?
Kiddiesunshine: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jon! I'm ahead of you by about three seconds.
Jon: You know what, guys, I think there may be something wrong with the time-space continuum.
Matthew: Kiddiesunshine, how'd you get my chicken puppet?
(Brian enters)
Brian: Whoops, sorry, everything's on the fritz. My burrito was done before I put it in the oven!
(Brian leaves)
Kiddiesunshine: Alright, alright, take your dumb chicken puppet! I'll have it back before you know it, anyway! (Chuckles)
Jon (Taking chicken puppet and handing it to Matt ): Hey, Kiddiesunshine, why don't you just give him his chicken puppet back, alright?
Kiddiesunshine: Say, why don't we ask Brian to mess with the warp engines?
Matthew: Well, alls I know is I want my chicken puppet back! (sees puppet in his hand.) Hey, how'd that happen...?
Jon: That's a good idea. (yelling offstage) Brian, there's something wrong with the space time thingy, isn't there anything we can do?
Kiddiesunshine: Well, okay Brian, I guess all we can do is ride it out, I'm outta here..
(Kiddiesunshine leaves.)
Jon: Okay, Brian, I guess all we can do is ride it out. I'm gonna...wow, that's a weird deja-vu.
(kiddiesunshine is seen in the foreground carrying the chicken puppet, laughing.)
Jon: Yeah, that's a good idea, Matthew. You do that. This is really weird, we got LT SIGN.
(Jon leaves.)
Matthew: Well, I'm just going to play with my chicken puppet till this blows over...I'll see you Jon, Kiddiesunshine...
(Matthew walks off with his chicken puppet, whistling. Matthew reappears without the puppet.)
Matthew: Hey, anybody seen my chicken puppet?
[second half of pokem]
[after cartoon]
[SOL]
(An eerie green light is flickering around the room)
Pietro: Yeah, seems like it, doesn't it?
Sogturtle: So, you think we're back in sync on this time thing?...(Realises)...D'oh!
Pietro (Giggling): I'm sorry, sorry- (Jon comes on, or rather Jon in the form of a small robot with an antenna protuding out of it's head)
Jon: Okay, hey, guys! Listen up! I think I have some answers, apparently the seperate universe layers are co-mingling. (Pietro and sogturtle appear dumb-founded by jon's new look.) If we don't isolate our position in space and time, limitless potentiality will--(Pietro and Sogturtle begin laughing). Wh-wh-what?
Pietro: Uh, Jon....You're a small robot!
Sogturtle (laughing): Yeah!
Jon(laughing): Well, of course I am! What did you expect?
Sogturtle: Well, normally, when we're not in a worm-hole and stuff, you're a big, chunky, human thing!
Pietro: Yeah, I don;t mean to offend you or anything, but as you are, I have the urge to put you back in your case! (Pietro and Sogturtle laugh.)
Jon(offended): Now, c'mon, cut it out now! I can't speak for your reality, but in mine we're all captives serving on this vessel and I'm in command! You have tremendous respect for me, you do! Now, now, my orders are as follows: Now, I want you to--
Sogturtle: Ah, sorry Jon, but I only take orders from Willie Tyler and Lester! (Pietro and Sogturtle laugh hysterically.)
Jon(Annoyed): Oh......that's.....that's.....oh, now, stop it! C'mon, stop it! (Pierto and Sogturtle both apologise.) Now, we all wanna get back, right? Okay, listen up! If we wanna put things right, you'll do exactly as I say! If we over-drive the plasma thrusters to create a gravity well, isolating us from the other universe layers, we untangle our co-mingling reali--(Pietro and Sogturtle can't contain themselves and begin laughing hysterically.)
Sogturtle: He's just, he's just so cute!
Jon: HEY!!! C'mon, cut it out! You guys are gonna be annihilated, an' stuff!
Sogturtle: Ah, Jon, I don't care, man, it's worth it to see you like this! (light blinks)
Jon(Throwing a tantrum): Stop it! Don't you make fun-...ah we got Commercial sign!! (Pietro and Sogturtle push Jon off-camera.) Don't-push-don't-push-don't-push!
[Commercial]
[after commercial]
The door sequence ends with a *real* bone slamming over a wooden door with leaves and branches everywhere, birds sing.)
Jon: Well, this is good, huh, OK, everything seems to be back to normal, I'm a befleshed human being, and you guys are---oh no. Oh no! (Brandon grunts and snorts.)
Gotlucky: Uh, Jon? Why are we in a sylvan glen?
Brandon (sneezes, grunts): Hey, I've got hay fever! Cool! (laughs)
Jon: I'm gonna--I'm gonna go lay down until this all blows over. I'll--I'll see you later. (Turns and walks down a path.)
Brandon: I--uh, I may need a Kleenex.
Jon (waves arm): You're fine.
Andrew: Poor guy. He doesn't handle alternate realities very well, does he? (Jon touches a tree as if in awe.)
Brandon (sneezing multiple times in succession): Sorry.
Andrew: Still, it's a nice day, though.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pietro: Hm.
Brandon: Hm. (pause) Fishin'?
Everyone else: No, thanks.
Brandon: OK.
[last part of pokemon]
[after cartoon]
Gotlucky: Okay, okay, we're ON the CN Satellite okay?
Brandon: Yep
Gotlucky: Time's okay, Jon's not a puny little robot...
Jon: Yeah, we'll I don't think I am...
Gotlucky: See you get to the point where you just wanna go, WORMHOLE, BACK OFF!
Jon: Seems everything is back to normal, uhhh... oh, you guys all know my pet dinosaur, Barney? {a purple dinosaur enter scaring the heck outta everyone, they scream and leave] Yes, everything is back to normal.
[Planet]
Tuirner: Now, this is odd. Strange-looking place...
Klasky: No sign of Herb...
(a group of aliens appear and put handcuffs on Turner and Klasky)
Alien: Welcome to Planet Fruitcake! And you are under arrest for tresspassing.
(turner and klasky look at each other in confusion, camera goes off, credits begin)
(The bridge is decked out like a hospital, with Kiddiesunshine on the desk and Dr. Belch as a surgeon.)
Brian Cruz: Previously, On the Sateellite of Love.
Jon: His BP is droppin' fast!
Dr. Belch: We're losing him!
Gotlucky: (With defibrilators) Like hell we are... CLEAR! (Zaps kiddiesunshine) C'mon! Live! C'mon! Live!
(Cut to a different scene, with happy heathen and a girl puppet at a table having dinner. Happy is dressed in a tuxedo, puppet has rediculously red lips.)
Happy: More broccoli?
Puppet: It isn't broccoli I want... It's... You! (Heathen drops the broccoli and sweeps the food off the table, grabbing puppet in a passionate kiss. Her eyes flashes.)
(Cut to Jon, in a dissheveled suit, smoking a cigarette, Being berated by Pietro and Sogturtle, wearing dress shirts with loose ties. Pietro holds a chicken puppet.)
Pietro: Yeah, look at me. You know what I think? I think you KNEW that chicken puppet was stuffed with explosives! Didn't you?! Didn't you?!
Jon: No!
Sogturtle: Come on, answer the question you skell!
Jon: No!
Pietro: Stop lying!
(Cut to another scene on the bridge of the SOL, this time with a blue bowl filled with gold liquid and Brandon standing next to it. As we watch, a melting Patrick McCart's head rises out of the bowl.)
Brandon: Calvin! Come on, you're gonna make it buddy! Come on!
Patrick: Unnh... No... the sauce.. too rich... It's too thick.
Brandon: Oh no!
Patrick: Save yourself!
Brandon: Crowe! Take my hand!
(Cut to a wide shot of the bridge, where Jon is standing in a suit and trenchcoat, pointing a gun at something offscreen. Lighting is nice and dramatic.)
Jon: Don't make me shoot you! HAPPY HEATHEN!!!
Brian: And now, tonight's episode.
(Commercial break.)
Segment 2
[Cn Satellite]
(Happy Heathen has his hands and arms wrapped around Jon's neck.)
Happy: You'll pay with your miserable life! Muahahaha!
Jon: Uh, Tom, we're back in the regular world now.
Happy: How could you sleep with Amanda?! Wait.. What? Oh, heheheheh...
Jon: I better check on what's going on in the Turner Cruiser.
Happy: Oh, sure.
Jon: Could you stop choking me?
Happy: Uh, I can't.
[Turner Cruiser]
(Klasky has a rope hanging out the window, Scannell is gone, Turner appears to be bored)
Turner: Hey, Meddling Kids! Time to take your cartoon medicine!
Scannell (from below the ship): Uh... don't look!
Turner: We're not looking! Uhh... Herb has to.... uh.... g.... go. So, Arlene here tied a rope around him and sent him out. Any way, your cartoons are...
Scannell: You're looking I know you are!
Klasky: Believe me, there is nothing I'd like to look at less!
Scannell: Well, I'm gonna go into this big tunnel thing here, so you can't look at (sound effect of herb getting sucked into something) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Klasky (realizing what's happening): Hey! Waitaminute! I wouldn't... that's... a... wormhole.
Turner: A wormwhat?
Klasky: A worm hole!
Turner: A whathole?
Klasky: A WORM HOLE! WORM HOLE! The space rift where all time and matter is rearanged at random!
Turner: Oh big deal.
Klasky: Well it is! There very dangerous!
Turner: Well, so am I, let's get in there and get that Nick president!
Klasky: Why?
Turner: What if Herb causes one of them weird numbers where he goes back in time and steps on a butterfly or something, and then 'cause of that, mammals as we know them never evolve, and then 'cause of that, mankind never invents slot machines, and my favorite hobby goes straight down the toitey, huh?
Klasky: Your logic is irrefutable...
Turner: Hey Cooke, we're going wormhole surfing.
[CN Satellite]
Jon: G'bye! So long! G'bye! G'bye now!
Gotlucky: So long! Don't forget to write! Bye!
Brandon: Arrevederchi! Bye! Bon voyage-y!
Turner: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no. No. You're coming with. Hey, Klasky, how about using that brain of yours to give these guys a tow?
(klasky is on top of the ship dressed like a cowboy and twirling a lasso)
Klasky: Yeah, I'll do that for ya, sir, but then I gots to be moseying along. I got spurs that go jingley jangley jingle, after all, that's just the way I am. I'll kiss you now, sir, and then I...(turner begins choking klasky)
Turner: Will you just lasso the stupid ship, please?!
Observer: Okay, okay. I'll show you where all the cowboys have gone!
(throws lasso, it grabs a hold of the satellite)
Pietro (imitating Tom Servo from MST3K): Woah, we're being bronco busted!
Jon: Hang on, little dogeys!
Klasky (holding on to the rope): Woah! Woah, that's heavy.
Turner: We hope you enjoy flying Wormhole Express Airlines. Your in-flight movie today is a little confection from our friends in Japan called "Attack of the Prehistoric Pokemon".
[CN satellite]
Jon: Wow, a wormhole. All sorts of weird stuff could happen!
Argus: And it probably will!
Brandon: Even worse. We have LT Sign.
[first half of "Pokemon"]
{after cartoon]
{CN Satellite]
(There is a strange green glow...we see Kiddiesunshine holding a chicken puppet.}
Kiddiesunshine: Oh yeah, Jon, I was wondering that myself, weird, isn't it?
(Jon enters.)
Jon: Oh, hey, Kiddie--how'd you get here so fast?
Kiddiesunshine: Oh, he'll be along, I have his chicken puppet.
Jon: Hey, where's Matthew?
Kiddiesunshine: Talking like what?
Jon: Why're you talking like that?
Kiddiesunshine: Well, no, I'm not, I'm just way ahead of you, Jon.
Jon: Well, like that, you know? You're answering my questions before I ask them. (to Matthew, who isn't there) I dunno, I'm asking him the same thing.
Kiddiesunshine: No, you dope, I mean I'm moving faster than you *temporally* speaking.
Jon (insulted): Hey, whaddya mean you're way ahead of me?
Kiddiesunshine: Well, I asked you for it, Matt, you were right here.
(Matt enters)
Matthew: Hi guys! Hey, how'd you get here so fast?
Kiddiesunshine: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jon! I'm ahead of you by about three seconds.
Jon: You know what, guys, I think there may be something wrong with the time-space continuum.
Matthew: Kiddiesunshine, how'd you get my chicken puppet?
(Brian enters)
Brian: Whoops, sorry, everything's on the fritz. My burrito was done before I put it in the oven!
(Brian leaves)
Kiddiesunshine: Alright, alright, take your dumb chicken puppet! I'll have it back before you know it, anyway! (Chuckles)
Jon (Taking chicken puppet and handing it to Matt ): Hey, Kiddiesunshine, why don't you just give him his chicken puppet back, alright?
Kiddiesunshine: Say, why don't we ask Brian to mess with the warp engines?
Matthew: Well, alls I know is I want my chicken puppet back! (sees puppet in his hand.) Hey, how'd that happen...?
Jon: That's a good idea. (yelling offstage) Brian, there's something wrong with the space time thingy, isn't there anything we can do?
Kiddiesunshine: Well, okay Brian, I guess all we can do is ride it out, I'm outta here..
(Kiddiesunshine leaves.)
Jon: Okay, Brian, I guess all we can do is ride it out. I'm gonna...wow, that's a weird deja-vu.
(kiddiesunshine is seen in the foreground carrying the chicken puppet, laughing.)
Jon: Yeah, that's a good idea, Matthew. You do that. This is really weird, we got LT SIGN.
(Jon leaves.)
Matthew: Well, I'm just going to play with my chicken puppet till this blows over...I'll see you Jon, Kiddiesunshine...
(Matthew walks off with his chicken puppet, whistling. Matthew reappears without the puppet.)
Matthew: Hey, anybody seen my chicken puppet?
[second half of pokem]
[after cartoon]
[SOL]
(An eerie green light is flickering around the room)
Pietro: Yeah, seems like it, doesn't it?
Sogturtle: So, you think we're back in sync on this time thing?...(Realises)...D'oh!
Pietro (Giggling): I'm sorry, sorry- (Jon comes on, or rather Jon in the form of a small robot with an antenna protuding out of it's head)
Jon: Okay, hey, guys! Listen up! I think I have some answers, apparently the seperate universe layers are co-mingling. (Pietro and sogturtle appear dumb-founded by jon's new look.) If we don't isolate our position in space and time, limitless potentiality will--(Pietro and Sogturtle begin laughing). Wh-wh-what?
Pietro: Uh, Jon....You're a small robot!
Sogturtle (laughing): Yeah!
Jon(laughing): Well, of course I am! What did you expect?
Sogturtle: Well, normally, when we're not in a worm-hole and stuff, you're a big, chunky, human thing!
Pietro: Yeah, I don;t mean to offend you or anything, but as you are, I have the urge to put you back in your case! (Pietro and Sogturtle laugh.)
Jon(offended): Now, c'mon, cut it out now! I can't speak for your reality, but in mine we're all captives serving on this vessel and I'm in command! You have tremendous respect for me, you do! Now, now, my orders are as follows: Now, I want you to--
Sogturtle: Ah, sorry Jon, but I only take orders from Willie Tyler and Lester! (Pietro and Sogturtle laugh hysterically.)
Jon(Annoyed): Oh......that's.....that's.....oh, now, stop it! C'mon, stop it! (Pierto and Sogturtle both apologise.) Now, we all wanna get back, right? Okay, listen up! If we wanna put things right, you'll do exactly as I say! If we over-drive the plasma thrusters to create a gravity well, isolating us from the other universe layers, we untangle our co-mingling reali--(Pietro and Sogturtle can't contain themselves and begin laughing hysterically.)
Sogturtle: He's just, he's just so cute!
Jon: HEY!!! C'mon, cut it out! You guys are gonna be annihilated, an' stuff!
Sogturtle: Ah, Jon, I don't care, man, it's worth it to see you like this! (light blinks)
Jon(Throwing a tantrum): Stop it! Don't you make fun-...ah we got Commercial sign!! (Pietro and Sogturtle push Jon off-camera.) Don't-push-don't-push-don't-push!
[Commercial]
[after commercial]
The door sequence ends with a *real* bone slamming over a wooden door with leaves and branches everywhere, birds sing.)
Jon: Well, this is good, huh, OK, everything seems to be back to normal, I'm a befleshed human being, and you guys are---oh no. Oh no! (Brandon grunts and snorts.)
Gotlucky: Uh, Jon? Why are we in a sylvan glen?
Brandon (sneezes, grunts): Hey, I've got hay fever! Cool! (laughs)
Jon: I'm gonna--I'm gonna go lay down until this all blows over. I'll--I'll see you later. (Turns and walks down a path.)
Brandon: I--uh, I may need a Kleenex.
Jon (waves arm): You're fine.
Andrew: Poor guy. He doesn't handle alternate realities very well, does he? (Jon touches a tree as if in awe.)
Brandon (sneezing multiple times in succession): Sorry.
Andrew: Still, it's a nice day, though.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pietro: Hm.
Brandon: Hm. (pause) Fishin'?
Everyone else: No, thanks.
Brandon: OK.
[last part of pokemon]
[after cartoon]
Gotlucky: Okay, okay, we're ON the CN Satellite okay?
Brandon: Yep
Gotlucky: Time's okay, Jon's not a puny little robot...
Jon: Yeah, we'll I don't think I am...
Gotlucky: See you get to the point where you just wanna go, WORMHOLE, BACK OFF!
Jon: Seems everything is back to normal, uhhh... oh, you guys all know my pet dinosaur, Barney? {a purple dinosaur enter scaring the heck outta everyone, they scream and leave] Yes, everything is back to normal.
[Planet]
Tuirner: Now, this is odd. Strange-looking place...
Klasky: No sign of Herb...
(a group of aliens appear and put handcuffs on Turner and Klasky)
Alien: Welcome to Planet Fruitcake! And you are under arrest for tresspassing.
(turner and klasky look at each other in confusion, camera goes off, credits begin)