Anthonynotes
04-15-2004, 02:04 PM
Yes, I've found some time to finish this thing up--namely thinking of a means of the cornered, non-superpowered lab mice to defeat the really powerful Griffino... so, enjoy...
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MAUVE THUNDER
By Alan Smithee, Brainatra, and Captain Caps
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(Open on various shots of Los Angeles; we see celebrities stepping out of limos, bums panhandling for food money, dancers in the streets, the Angelyne billboard, people in front of Tail O' The Pup, and so on.)
NARRATOR (VO): Yes, it's me, your favorite narrator! Welcome to California, 2003. A wonderful place to be...depending on who you are. This bucolic little state is so wonderful that nothing could go wrong with it...or could it?
(Fade in on a military complex. Various armed soldiers patrol the lot, looking for suspect activity. A sign says "Danger Level-Orange"...a banner below that reads "Hamburger Helper In The Commissary Tomorrow Night". We then see a large chair, the camera craning above it to view two military leaders.)
GEN. HAWK: Gen. Tom Arthur Hawk and Gen. Steven Cane Ullman Demberg reporting for duty!
GEN. DEMBERG: We would like to present to you our latest military weapon. This is a supercopter we call "Mauve Thunder". This baby has night-vision, telescopes so powerful you can see down a woman's dress from airplane altitude, and an array of artillery from bazookas to poison gas tanks.
GEN. HAWK: This thing could level Los Angeles in 1.5 seconds. We're planning on using this at the Academy Awards as crowd control. After that, we can use it for anything else from surveillance to demolition.
(We see the figure in the chair, and it's none other than...)
STEWIE GRIFFIN: (of "Family Guy" infamy) Marvelous work, gentlemen! You know, you are truly great individuals. I think this will be a grand partnership. I'll greatly enjoy eliminating the Warner brothers...AND their infernal sister Dot!
GEN. HAWK: What did you just say?
STEWIE: Stay with me, gentlemen...we're going to have lots of laughs! HAHAHAHAHAHA (COUGH) HAHAHAHA!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in the offices of the Los Angeles Times, Yakko, Wakko and Dot are excited about reporting duties assigned to them, thanks to their recently-gained newest job!
YAKKO: (Singing) "Hooray For Hollywood...That Insane and Demented Hollywood!"
WAKKO: The Academy Awards...I've always wanted to attend one of those ceremonies! Our shorts were never nominated for Oscars...maybe we might get a surprise Lifetime Achievement Award?
DOT: Don't bet on it, Brother Dearest! Thanks, Mr. Grant. How can we ever repay you?
(Pan over to see the sibs' boss, Lou Grant, and their coworker, Jill Austin, as previously seen in the fanfic story "The Faust and the Furious.")
LOU GRANT: Just try and keep your hands off the celebrities, alright? Follow that, and all will be swell! In fact, just to keep you on the straight and narrow, I'm assigning you some chaperones!
YAKKO: What? Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Chaperones? We were created in the late '20s. How many times do I have to restate that darned fact?
JILL AUSTIN: Don't worry, Yakko! It won't be that bad...besides, you should be familiar with these guys...
(Suddenly, two very familiar figures come up from holes in the ground)
BUSTER: Hiya, Toonsters! I'm Buster Bunny!
BABS: And I'm Babs Bunny!
BUSTER AND BABS: No relation!
YAKKO: (Flatly) Oh, great, this should be fun! Hey, Dot, Babs, try talking at the same time!
(The female rabbit and the Cute One try to, but no sound comes from either one)
WAKKO: This would make one heck of a ventriloquist act!
LOU: I've set up accommodations for you at a hotel near the Kodak Pavilion...
YAKKO: (Flatly again) God Bless Corporate America!
(Fade to the hotel the group is hanging out at. You would think it would be fancy, but as the Warners and the Bunnies are staring at it...)
WAKKO: Oh, good! Free HBO! "Taxicab Confessions", here I come!
NARRATOR: The AOL Time Warner magic word of the day is "Synergy"!
DOT: This place looks like a dump!
BUSTER: Good call! This is the kind of place you'd drag your mistress to after work...
BABS: And how would you know about that, Blue Boy?
BUSTER: Geez, Babsie! I'm just saying!
YAKKO: Stop before you start! This isn't one of *those* kind of fanfic stories, so let's just go in...
(Meanwhile, back in Stewie's secret lair sits Stewie Griffin. Next to him is Mel, the "B-Christmas Special villain turned Mercy Graves-esque bodyguard" from the fanfic story "Histerians for Sale.")
STEWIE: How lucky am I. I now have access to one of the greatest military weapons since the smart bomb. No spatial distortion tricks, no explosives, none of their pathetic cartoon gags can save the Warners this time.
MEL: That's great Stewie.
STEWIE: Yes, now I only have one problem.
MEL: What's that?
STEWIE: I have no ideas where those blasted ink blots are! No matter, I'm sure they'll be sent to cover the Oscars, and when they do, they'll find that I have a surprise waiting for them.
MEL: And it's truly brilliant, but wouldn't it have made more sense to send a more dangerous person to the ceremony?
STEWIE: Normally, yes, but I'm out of options. My dear Mr. Corben is doing some hard time, and Hannibal is no doubt helping the police catch some other stupidly nicknamed criminal like "the Easter Bunny" or "Carrot Top." They were useful for capturing one-joke cartoon characters and gun-happy people who sound like the lady on "Body Heat", but this job requires a "special" touch. And frankly, I haven't found any other villains that suit my needs. This operative may be harmless, but he'll do the job.
(Just then the door opens and said "operative" steps into the room).
GUY: What do you mean harmless? Have you smelled my BO? It's so bad it should be registered as a chemical weapon.
STEWIE: Ahh Mr. Dangerfield, you've arrived.
(The camera turns to show us that it is indeed old -time comedian Rodney Dangerfield).
RODNEY: Whoa sorry I was late, but I got caught in traffic. Some guy was on his cellphone asking for directions. It took him four hours.
STEWIE: (droll) Yes very funny, now let's go through the plan. Do you understand what you have to do?
RODNEY: Yeah no problem, it'll be as easy as Nicole Kidman's plastic surgery. Man I'm on a roll tonight.
STEWIE: Enough jokes, go and wait for my instructions.
RODNEY: Okay I'm going, jeez, I get no respect, not even from evil babies (he leaves).
STEWIE: Excellent, now that our plant is ready, we can begin phase two of "Operation: Kill the Warners." (Pause, as Mel stares) Umm...one of those stupid generals named it.
MEL: Stewie, I know I never question your decisions, but do you think that old fat comedian will be able to do his job?
STEWIE: If he can perform in several sub-par movies, he can do this. And he's this story's 80's reference. Besides, he'll work better than my plan to turn the Brat Pack into my own personal strike force.
(Just then Emilio Estevez enters the room. He is dressed in a black costume).
EMILIO: Umm Mr. Stewie, we need an ambulance. Judd hit himself with the nunchucks again.
STEWIE: (sighs) Ugh, you see what I have to work with! Which is *exactly* why I decided to have *you*, Mel, recruit extra assistance...no offense, but you and Rodney might not be enough force for my plan of vengeance!
EMILIO: Uh, what about me?
STEWIE: Oh, yes, how do I put this, *ahem*... YOU'RE FIRED!
EMILIO: Aw, *man*... (slumps out of the lair)
STEWIE: Now then, where are these recruits?
MEL: You'll love it... I've managed to recruit---BATMAN VILLAINS!
STEWIE: (Gleeful) What? Now *really*?! You're putting me on!
MEL: No, quite serious. Actual baddies who've faced off against the Dark Knight himself.
STEWIE: Delightful! No, no--STUPENDOUS! (Giggles excitedly) Oh, silly me, laughing like a schoolgirl. Now then, who are they? Let me guess---Catwoman! No, wait---*the Joker*?! Or maybe that *Bane* fellow??
MEL: Well, um, maybe you'd better see for yourself...
(Mel motions for two people to walk in... one is a guy dressed in a goofy outfit with a picture of a signal-lamp on the front, and another is dressed in a gaudy outfit with a bunch of calendar pages all over him)
MAN #1: Greetings, Mr. Griffin. I am...*SIGNAL-MAN*! I utilize all manner of signals as part of my villainous misdeeds!
MAN #2: And *I* am--- CALENDAR MAN! I utilize all manner of, well, calendars and calendar-based attacks... but I guess that's self-explanatory, *chuckle*.
(*Editor's note: Yep, folks, these really *are* actual Bat-villains! Check out "The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told" trade paperback and various 70's-era Batman comics if you don't believe me... -Brainatra)
(Stewie sits quietly for a moment, then starts to fume. He soon explodes)
STEWIE: (Yelling) THESE ARE THE *BEST* MINIONS YOU COULD *FIND*?!?
MEL: Well, um, you see, the Joker wanted one billion dollars to kill the Warners and the right to off any henchmen, and that Bane fellow wanted---
STEWIE: *QUIET*! (Fumes some more) Oh, *blast* it all! (to Signal-Man and Calendar Man) OK, you two---you're *hired*. I suppose a rank Batman villain's better than the usual idiot ninja-thugs... now then, here's my plan for revenge against those accursed Warners...(remembers) Oh, yes, *and* that wretched Brain! (Walks over to a map on the wall with three places circled: ACME Labs in New York City, the Warner Bros. Studio in Burbank, and the Capitol building in Washington DC, under which a caption reads "Axel Foley's office") Now then, once Rodney reports back to me on the general whereabouts of those siblings, Signal-Man shall handle the Warners. Meanwhile, Calendar Man shall handle Axel Foley in Washington DC, and *I* shall handle that lab rat in New York.
SIGNAL-MAN: (Playing with a flashlight in his utility belt) How do you plan to do *that*?
STEWIE: With the help of that *helicopter* I "acquired" from those corrupt Generals I paid off---thank you very much, "Family Guy" DVD sales. No need to beg Rupert for funds, thanks to those lavish fanboys enjoying that Cartoon Network-dwelling program of mine. (Assumes commanding stance) Now let's *move*!
(Cut to the Warner Bros. studios, some time after the Oscars...we see the sibs walking into an empty studio lot; various movie set lamps, and other such equipment are seen...)
DOT: Gee, that nice Mr. Grant sure gave us a nice chunk of money for going to the Oscars...
YAKKO: And I really liked his remarks about how we'll get to do it again after "he starts doing backflips like a gymnast"!
WAKKO: Think he's mad about us daring that Michael Moore guy to go on that rant?
DOT: Nah... he gave us this great new assignment to write about the lives of janitors here at the studio, right?
(The sibs walk up to what looks like a janitor)
DOT: Excuse me, hon, but are you a janitor?
(The man turns around---or should I say---the *SIGNAL-MAN*!)
SIGNAL-MAN: No, but I *am*---your DOOM!
(The sibs force a "gasp")
YAKKO: "Doom"? I thought you were a janitor.
SIGNAL-MAN: Quiet!
WAKKO: Quiet? Maybe he's really a librarian. (Whips out a book) Can I return this to you? I forgot to return it to the library... (sees the inside cover: "DUE BACK BY 4/9/1947; FINE: 10 CENTS A DAY" Wakko quickly closes the book) Uh...never mind. (Grins broadly)
(Without answering, Signal-Man whips out a flashlight-based weapon of some sort)
SIGNAL-MAN: Any last words? (Before the sibs can answer) Forget it---I'm not giving you the chance to do something all, um, wacky or something. (He activates the weapon, which emits an eerie, rapidly-blinking light; a glazed look comes over the sibs' eyes) Nice little gadget, this hypnosis-light. Now, then, here's what I'd like you to do...
(Moments later, we see the sibs walk out of the studio, waving goodbye to Signal-Man, who's smiling sinisterly, while holding his weapon behind his back.)
DOT: Wasn't he a nice man? He gave us all that info...
YAKKO: Yeah. And he didn't even tell us not to destroy any scenery! Now come on, sibs---let's get over to the bank to cover our next story!
NARRATOR: What's *this*?! Nothing appears to have happened! How did the Warners get out of that situation?! What *did* Signal-Man *do* to the sibs?? We'll have to wait and see, for in Washington...
(Fade in on Washington, DC, late afternoon. Patriotic-type music plays, as we zoom in on the Capitol office of one Rep. Axel Foley. We see Axel's packing papers in his briefcase, apparently about to head home for the night.)
AXEL: (to Mrs. Smith) And tell Daschle to send me a summary on the current Israeli-Palestinian peace talks. Oh, and don't forget to submit that request for more funding for those programs I proposed for inner-city youth in Detroit.
MRS. SMITH: Yes, Mr. Foley. (Pauses) You know, sir, I'm quite impressed with how seriously you're taking your role here. Ever since you were first elected, I expected a disastrous administration, but instead, you've proven yourself quite competent, despite what people say.
AXEL: (Putting papers in his briefcase) Why, thank you, Mrs. Smith. I guess I feel pretty glad to be here... and this really does seem to be more effective than trying to bust perps on some Detroit street somewhere. (Closes his briefcase; unfortunately, his hand's still inside of it. He yelps in pain, uttering a few of his trademark expletives, before looking back at a frowning Mrs. Smith. He grins broadly)
AXEL: Er, sorry...
MRS. SMITH: You know the rules! (Axel moans, and puts some money in a jar on her desk reading "SWEAR JAR"; the jar looks a third full of change) That's a good man.
(As Axel exits the office, he glances at a calendar on the wall. He reacts with shock at what he sees.)
AXEL: (BLE)--- (realizes he's swearing and corrects himself) What the heck?! Why didn't you *tell* me we had to make a week-long presentation on a major business tax break project that starts *tomorrow*, Mrs. Smith?!
MRS. SMITH: (Confused) Well, I didn't know about it, Mr. Foley--- (looks at her desk calendar) but apparently we *do* have one scheduled. Strange... I could *swear* this wasn't the case...
AXEL: Well, we *have* been busy lately---and I guess we're going to be even *more* busy. (Heads back to his desk) Get some coffee on---we're burnin' the midnight oil!
(Outside his window, we see Calendar Man grin slyly at his work of rescheduling Axel's appointments)
CALENDAR MAN: That stupid politician will be so busy, he won't have *any* time to come to the aid of those mice or puppy-kids the boss told me about! Ha! (He scurries off...)
(Fade to New York, namely ACME Labs in the early evening. Inside, we see the three mice---Pinky, Billie and Brain--- are standing next to an open window, apparently busy with another plan to take over the world.)
BRAIN: (in mid-explanation) And so, after we deplete the world of its valuable ground beef production means, we'll be able to corner the market on my custom-made food pellet-based vegetarian alternative patties, and *TAKE OVER THE WORLD*!
PINKY: Egad, *brilliant*! It's healthy *and* vegetarian-friendly, NARF!
BRAIN: Now, the first thing we'll need to do is...
STEWIE: (off-screen, unseen) *TO DIE*!
BRAIN: (surprised) What the...?
STEWIE: (Still hidden) Yes, Brain, it's *me* again!
(Stewie, or rather the helicopter he's in, suddenly materializes in front of the group)
STEWIE: Cloaking technology---very Roddenberry, wouldn't you agree? Oh, and while I'm here, a few more things I'll be needing...
(Stewie presses a few controls on a computer console within the copter; panning down to the basement of ACME Labs, we see a room filled with various artifacts of the mice's past fanfic adventures, such as the intercosmic diamatric transposer, the hypervelocity suits, and so forth. We stop on one item in particular: Griffino, Stewie's custom-built android with all the powers of the "Animaniacs" cast, Powerpuff Girls and Wonder Woman combined. The robot suddenly springs to life, its batteries apparently recharged by some aspect of Stewie's souped-up helicopter, before bursting free of its restraining case, and comes crashing up through the floor. A few more buttons pressed by Stewie, and the robot snatches the three mice in its clutches, before flying up next to the helicopter)
STEWIE: Welcome aboard, Brain. Now let's all go back "home", shall we? I suspect by now, those Warners will have already begun putting the next step in my plan into action---without their even *knowing* it! HAH! I'm sure once we return, my good friends Mel and Rodney Dangerfield shall keep you *close company*...
(As the helicopter and Griffino fly off, with the mice as their prisoners, we see a certain shadowed, cape-wearing figure lurk in the shadows outside the labs, eyeing with displeasure this scene. A snippet of his also-very-familiar theme music plays, as he slinks off out of sight...)
(Cut back to: Stewie's new, hidden lair, some number of hours later. In the main room, we see Calendar Man and Signal-Man kicking back with beverages, with the mice being held in a cage. Stewie enters with Mel...)
STEWIE: (To the mice) Ah, enjoying your stay, Brain? I'll be sure to have the maid leave you a mint on your pillow---a *CYANIDE* mint! HA!
BRAIN: (Scowling through the bars) I'll stave on commenting on your deplorable lack of humor to state that you'll soon be defeated once more, you brat.
STEWIE: Oh, I beg to differ---you'll be exterminated like the pestilence-carrying pests you are, *after* I've engaged in the full extent of my plan! Right now, Rodney Dangerfield is executing the next step in my plan... (points to the viewscreen) Signal-Man! Activate the monitors! (he does so; they snap on, showing the outside of a bank) Now, let's just *watch*...
(We see the Warners head for the bank... only to be stopped by Mr. Dangerfield himself.)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, excuse me, are you the guy we're supposed to interview?
RODNEY: No, I'm Ed McMahon with your million-dollar check! Sheesh, what a maroon...of course I'm the guy!
DOT: Well, no need to get all huffy...
RODNEY: Yeesh, no respect!
WAKKO: "No respect"? Hey, I know you---you're *Jabberjaw*!
YAKKO: Cool... can we see you rip off Curly's schtick some, huh, can we, huh, huh?
RODNEY: Oh, brudder. Anyway, I've got this message to deliver to you kids: knock knock.
WARNERS: Who's there?
RODNEY: You're under.
WARNERS: You're under who?
RODNEY: You're under *arrest*! (Motions to something off-camera) OK, boys, cuff 'em!
(We see from out of nowhere a plethora of officers, SWAT Team officers, etc. approach from out of nowhere to surround the sibs; an officer lays toon-escape-proof handcuffs on the sibs)
WAKKO: Hey, that's not a very funny knock-knock joke!
OFFICER: Wakko Warner, Yakko Warner, and Dot Warner, you are hereby under arrest for a federal offense...
DOT: (Sternly) OK, who pulled that "two places at once" bit on the President *AGAIN*?!
YAKKO: Not me.
WAKKO: (Nervous) Erm, not *me*...
OFFICER: It's not *that*---(annoyed) though I'll add it to the list of offenses. You're under arrest for the crime of breaking and entering into the FCC facility *and* stealing their valuable documents...not to mention assaulting various FCC agents with an unstoppable killer android of some sort...
WAKKO: Gee, I don't remember that at all...
OFFICER: (Hauling the sibs into the back of a black sedan) Tell it to the federal prosecutor at your trial...which I'm sure will be *quite* the media circus.
(Cut to the following day, outside the Capitol building in Washington DC; we see various TV crews outside the building...pan in on one of them...)
REPORTER: ...and thus, the Warners' trial, which begins today, shall no doubt be a media circus bigger than the OJ and Clinton trials put together! Representative Axel Foley of Michigan has volunteered to be the Warners' defense, prompting them to flatly remark, "we're doomed." We'll be back with more of our round-the-clock media circus---er, *coverage---which we in the press have dubbed "Warnergate." This is Wendy Franchetti reporting for CNN... (The camera cuts off) Hmph... this is an outrage. No way those kids did this...
(Inside, we see that the trial's preliminary stages are about to begin... the courtroom is filled to capacity with spectators. Axel enters the room, looking less-than-confident.)
BAILIFF: All rise! This federal tribunal is now in session...please rise for the honorable... *Judge Judy*.
AXEL: (Astonished) *JUDGE JUDY*?!
(Judge Judy herself enters the room, and takes the judge's chair)
JUDGE JUDY: That's right, buddy---now take a powder and sit down, already! BAILIFF:, go on...
BAILIFF: This court is now in session... the Government of the United States of America versus Yakko Warner, Wakko Warner, and Dot Warner, aka "Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana-Fana Bo Besca the Third." Speaking for the prosecution: Mr. Mike Harper...
AXEL: (Muttering) This just keeps gettin' *better* and *better*...
(Mike Harper, the guy Axel defeated for his Congress seat in "Mr. Foley Goes to Washington", enters...)
HARPER: Greetings, Mr. Foley. Private practice has been kind to me since my "forced retirement", but *this* will be the high point of that post-congressional career---prosecuting those wretched 'toons!
JUDGE JUDY: Please bring out the defendants...
(The BAILIFF: exits, and re-enters with the Warner siblings--all encased and squirming within Hannibal Lecter-type restraints. The BAILIFF: releases them and dumps them in their seats.)
DOT: (Annoyed) *Lovely*...
WAKKO: (Annoyed) Yeah... all this from just one knock-knock joke?
YAKKO: Yeah...talk about excessive!
JUDGE JUDY: Quiet! OK, which one of you wants to make the opening remarks?
HARPER: I shall, your honor. Now then, as we know, on the night of the crime in question, well... I think the security camera footage, aka "Exhibit A", should suffice. As the official defense for the government, I vow to put these toons in their proper place, where they and their shenanigans won't bother honest Americans ever again!
YAKKO: What about *dishonest* Americans?
DOT: Yeah..we *did* harass all those politicians once we got here...
HARPER: *Exactly*. (To Judy) May I play the evidence, your honor?
(Judge Judy consents, and on a TV with a VCR attached, Harper plays the security tape... we see a black-and-white picture of the Warners entering the FCC facility, then overcome the various guards with their usual cartoon antics (and anvils). Flattening other FCC agents, they make their way to the central facility, where they proceed to use Wakko's wacky sack to fill it with various FCC videotapes, records, and documents. They make their way out, but are stopped by a line of FCC gun-wielding agents. Suddenly, we see the robot Griffino land between the two group, as it proceeds to use its powers to take out the whole line of agents. The robot then scoops up the Warners, and all fly off, as the tape ends there...)
HARPER: As you can see, it all appears to be a very open-and-shut case. We even have evidence...aka "Exhibit B"--- of the Warners' fur strands, which DNA analysis has proven to belong to *them*! (Points to plastic bags marked "Exhibit B"). In fact, I and the government feel so confident that I'll even voluntarily stop here, and allow Mr. Foley to provide us with whatever means of defense he's come up with. I'm sure his character witnesses should be quite, heh, "interesting"...
AXEL: *Character witnesses*?? Um, yeah, sure... (To the Judge) Hey, Judge...
JUDGE JUDY: That's *Judge Judy* to you, pal! So, spill it...
AXEL: How about a recess until tomorrow, say around 3 PM? I've got, um, "work" to do on that "witnesses" side...
JUDGE JUDY: (Rolls her eyes) Feh, sure, why not? (Bangs her gavel) OK, everyone back here at 3 tomorrow, or *else*! (The crowd all file out...)
WAKKO: (Being led back to the Warners' cell by the bailiff) Axel, you're gonna get witnesses?
AXEL: Sure, why not? Don't worry...sure *someone* has to still like you guys...
YAKKO: (Flatly) Wonder what prison food will taste like...
WAKKO: (Licks his lips) Deee-lish, I hope! (his sibs sternly stare at him) Er, not that we'll be going to jail or anything...heh, heh...
(Cut back to Stewie's lair, where he's been watching this whole thing play out)
STEWIE: Oh, this is *rich*! I *LOVE IT*! Thanks to my helicopter, Griffino and careful planning, I've managed to make those three "Pound Puppy" rejects into the biggest accused criminals since the OJ trial! And we all know how *that* one turned out...
CALENDAR MAN: Um, OJ got off, boss...
STEWIE: He *did*?? Oh, right, right... well, I'm sure those sibs won't be anywhere nearly as fortunate---hope they like having "Big Bubba" as cellmates!
(Stewie turns around, and finds the mice's cage is empty)
STEWIE: What th---*BLAST*!!! I *forgot* about that Brain's misshaped tail being used as a lock pick. They must've escaped while we were engrossed in those mongrels' courtroom antics! (To Signal-Man) Signal-Man, Calendar Man! Find them---bring them back here!
SIGNAL-MAN: (Setting down his beverage) Yeah, yeah, we're on it... (both hired Bat-villains exit the room)
STEWIE: (Leans back in his chair) Excellent. Those Warners will go to jail, I'll have the Brain here to exploit and exterminate at my very whim, and with no one to stop me, I'll soon have the *WORLD* in my grip thanks to the combined might of Griffino and my attack helicopter! Thanks to that hypnotic light Signal-Man flashed on those siblings, they committed all their criminal acts under hypnosis---not that any of those courtroom cretins will ever discover that, let alone believe the Warners' please of innocence! (Laughs some more) This is terrific...no, stupendous---I--I---(feels his rear end) Oh, *blast*! You there, Mel--- *CHANGE ME*!
MEL: Uh...I dunno...
STEWIE: *NOW*!
MEL: Oh, *fine*... (Picks up the infantile would-be despot, and carries him off to be changed...)
(We see the two Bat-Villains quickly moving in on Brain, Pinky and Billie with 3 separate cages. A small sequence follows where they store each of the mice in a different place in the building. We then see Stewie sitting down in a high-chair, reading a copy of "How To Win Friends And Influence People". Brain is in a cage nearby)
STEWIE: (Buried in the book) Brain, would you be so kind as to do me a favor?
BRAIN: As they say in certain vernaculars, "Yeah Right!"
STEWIE: You haven't even heard me out...
BRAIN: I don't need to hear you out. You're my arch-enemy...
STEWIE: Do it, or else you'll end up as a victim of this guy right here.
(Stewie gestures to an anonymous-looking man, a hammer held firmly in his grasp)
PAUL LANE: The name is Paul Lane. I'm an exterminator for hire, and I greatly relish every opportunity I have to eliminate pests. Since you're who you are, I figured I'd use this hammer on your oversized cranium.
STEWIE: Now will you listen to me, Brain?
BRAIN: Not in a million...(Brain glances sideward and sees Paul welding a small nail onto the hammer's head; he sighs) All right, forget it! You win. What do you want, Stewie?
STEWIE: (Holds up a mouse-sized cell phone) Take this small cell phone and press the number 3. A man will pick up at the other end. Say to him "Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mother(bleep)er!"...The importance of this act will be revealed upon completion.
BRAIN: You do know I hate cursing, right?
STEWIE: Do you love having your skull broken?
BRAIN: (GULP!) All right, give me the phone...
(Stewie hands Brain a small cell phone. Brain does as he's told, saying the expletive with a grimace on his face. We then hear chopper blades in the background)
STEWIE: Brain, thank you so much!
BRAIN: What did I do?
STEWIE: You sent "Mauve Thunder" to Warner Brothers Studios. Within a matter of hours, the water tower your inkblot friends call home will be leveled to the ground. Congratulations!
BRAIN: (With his eyes widening, in a quiet, desperate voice) What did I do?
(We see "Mauve Thunder" flying over the plains of the Midwest, and then into California. With Iron Maiden's "Aces High" blaring on the stereo, the pilot gets in firing range of the water tower. With rapid-fire bazooka blasts, the tower falls down in flames and shards of wood. Beneath the water tower, we see Michael Moore yelling at Mr. Plotz)
MICHAEL MOORE: (Played by "Saturday Night Live" cast member Jeff Richards) And so that is why America is bad! The only good thing about this country is my right to say that I hate it!
(With that, Moore is flattened by five wooden boards and a piece of metal. Zip pan to Captain Caps, the author of this section, giggling to himself)
CAPTAIN CAPS: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! Oh, if only it could happen in real life! As Babs Bunny would say, "I Just Can't Help Myself"!
(Zip pan back to the action, this time at the FCC building. Wendy Franchetti, viewed earlier in the story, is going through the garbage bins outside the building)
WENDY: Hmm...laws against reality TV shows...laws against portrayals of TV sitcom fathers as (bleep)ing idiots...a law prohibiting future appearances by Harry Connick Jr. on "Will & Grace"...Good ideas all, but I can't use any of this (bleep)! (Turning to the camera) I know this isn't ethical, but they're my friends!
V.O: For (bleep)ing better or worse, they're my (bleep)ing friends, too!
WENDY: AXEL?
AXEL: (Stepping out of the shadows) You were expecting Garrett Morris? Hey, how's it going?
WENDY: It's going, alright...Right into the toilet! If I can't get anything, Yakko, Wakko and Dot are headed up the river permanently!
AXEL: Okay, the paper trail is leading into darkness...let's go visual. Hmm...here's a videotape.
WENDY: What's on the label?
AXEL: Just initials...C.A.B.W.P.B.B.C.S S.F...
WENDY: THAT'S IT! I know the initials..."Cat And Birdie Warneroonie Pinky Brainy Big Cartoonie Show Stock Footage!"
AXEL: HAHA! That Harper (bleep) is trapped now!
(Axel and Wendy run out of the building and straight into Mike Harper)
HARPER: Well, Axel, how are ya?
AXEL: (Bleep)in' A Great...Now, we have to go somewhere!
HARPER: Let me stop you two for a brief bit. What were you doing running out of the alley behind the FCC building?
AXEL: I was, erm, busting a perp for cocaine dealing...This city is rife with drug addicts, you know that!
WENDY: And, um, I was videotaping it for a special on CNN!
HARPER: Well...alright! On your way, then...
AXEL and WENDY: On our way, then!
(Axel and Wendy walk down the avenue away from Harper)
AXEL: (To Wendy) HA! What a (bleep)ing maroon!
HARPER: I HEARD THAT! COME BACK HERE, YOU SCUMBUCKETS!
WENDY: Smooth move, ex-lax! RUN!
(Axel and Wendy run down the street. Axel stops a taxi.)
AXEL: Detroit Police Officer, acting as a Washington DC cop! I'm commandeering this vehicle!
(Axel tosses the driver out into the street, where he runs to avoid getting hit. Axel hops in the driver's seat, with Wendy in the front passenger seat)
V.O: Hey, who are you?
AXEL: I'm your new cab driver, Axel Foley! Who are you?
(We pan back to see...)
BUSTER: Buster Bunny...
BABS: Babs Bunny...
BUSTER and BABS: No relation!
BUSTER: We're offering support to our Spielberg-produced brethren.
AXEL: That's just great...
WENDY: Want to help?
BUSTER: You bet!
BABS: (Sarcastically) Great idea, Blue Boy! This story already has enough characters as it is!
BUSTER: What's two more?
(Babs and Axel glare at Wendy as the taxi proceeds through DC's streets at a breakneck speed...)
BUSTER: Are you trying to get us killed?
AXEL: I'm still a (bleep)ing cop, you know...it's okay!
(Or is it? Behind Axel's taxi, we see Harper in his own, following at the same speed. He's in the passenger seat loading a Tec-9, while a ninja-thug [in an obligatory token fanfic story appearance] serving as a taxi driver keeps pace)
HARPER: Alright, Axel! You want a fight? I'll give you one!
(Mike's taxi pulls up next to Axel's)
HARPER: (Rolling down the window) Hey, Axel, I have a surprise for you! (Mike whips out his gun, but before he can say anything, Axel's taxi is on the driver's side. Mike goes cross-eyed)
AXEL: "Right Next To You"...I oughta teach the Warners that, presuming they don't know it already.
(In a scene right out of "Ben-Hur", the taxis collide against each other, each looking to beat the other. Wendy stores the videotape in her camera bag while Axel is making sparks against the metal railing)
AXEL: Okay, last chance for Lance Vance...er, Mike Harper!
(Writer's Note: It's A "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" reference, kids! Ask your older brother!)
BABS: Axel, you've either got big guts or no brain...how do we defeat this jerk?
AXEL: Easy...HERE COMES THE STRAIGHTAWAY!
(The taxi crosses at a green light, but Harper is stuck in the middle of traffic after he rushes a red light. He and his ninja-thug driver climb out the sunroof just as two buses crash into either side of the vehicle. The two fall down an overpass and onto a pick-up truck)
HARPER: Great...where to now?
REDNECK DRIVER: (V.O.) We're going to the hog farm...yee-haw!
(Harper's pickup truck driver speeds off down the road toward the DC outskirts...)
(Open early the next morning, as a thunderstorm rages over the nation's capitol. We see a diner not far from the Capitol building; inside, Axel is seen mulling over the "Washington Post"---the main headline reads: "WARNERGATE SCANDAL REACHES NEXT STAGE; CHARACTER WITNESSES TO BEGIN APPEARING TODAY" A middle-aged waitress pours Axel another cup of coffee...)
AXEL: (Sipping some coffee) *Sigh*... (looks at a pad of paper he's written on) I stayed up half the night trying to get character witnesses for today's trial. This had better work, or else this trial's going down the tubes faster than "Saturday Night Live" after *I* left it.
(The door of the diner opens, as we see Wendy enter. She folds up her umbrella and takes a seat across from Axel.)
WENDY: OK, Axel... despite it breaching every journalistic demand of "objectivity"---(snickers) "objective media"...good one... (clears her throat, continuing)---I've managed to find some character witnesses for those kids. Though it *was* a lot harder than I originally imagined it'd be---apparently those kids have managed to cheese off more people than I could count...
AXEL: (Rolls his eyes) Figures. Along with Buster and Babs, I at least managed to find a few guys as well... though they aren't all exactly my top choices. (Takes a bite out of a donut on a plate next to the coffee) Did you manage to get a look at that tape?
WENDY: Sure did---though I didn't see anything unusual about it. Just the usual recycled-stock-footage dreck seen in the opening credits of that dead "Kitty... Wordy... Margaret Cho-y...whatever..." show thing. Not sure what part this tape plays in this whole affair...
AXEL: Hmph... then that drawn-out police chase was all for *nothing*. (Holds up the paper) By the way, your media cronies took a poll---they say 70% of the public is behind this vendetta against the Warners!
WENDY: Feh...polls. I wouldn't pay it much mind--I'm sure those Warners will be fine. (checks her watch) But I believe you've got work to do, Axel...preparing for another "fun day" of playing defense attorney this afternoon. (Points to the newspaper) Hmph... "Warners' Water Tower mysteriously destroyed by helicopter; no suspects so far." Sounds like another bit of Stewie maliciousness to *me*...
(The two exit the diner...they pass an electronics store playing footage of the destruction of the Warner Bros. water tower alongside footage of the "Warners' 65th anniversary special" as part of its round-the-clock media saturation of the "Warnergate" trial...)
(Fade to Stewie's lair. The mice are still in their seperate cages, but now in the same room, as Griffino, Calendar Man, Signal-Man, Mel and Stewie are preparing for the afternoon's trial on TV)
STEWIE: (to Mel) Oh, and Mel, don't forget to make that popcorn *lightly* buttered---I don't want my arteries to be more clogged than the Dan Ryan Expressway during rush hour traffic. And you, Calendar Man, be sure to schedule the Tivo to record that "Rugrats" marathon for me! (to Brain) Good day, Brain... I'm sure you're looking quite chipper.
BRAIN: (Doesn't say anything, but merely stares sullenly at the infantile genius)
STEWIE: (Mock-shock) Ooooh, the "silent treatment"! Very well, then...stay like that! You'll get what's coming to you--- your *DEATH*! (Dum-dum-duuuummm... Stewie shifts his pupils back and forth sinisterly)
(Stewie turns his attention back to preparing for the afternoon's trial, as we fade to a roadway outside of the facility; riding within a Bluehound bus is none other than--- Pinky and Billie?!)
PINKY: (Worried) Billie, are you *sure* that Brain will be OK? I mean, what if he...
BILLIE: Don't worry, Pinks---when we escaped, Eggy specifically arranged to stay behind in Stewie's lab, while we go out for help at bringing down his operation! (Shakes her head) With the number of teenage fanboys buying those stupid "Family Guy" videos of his, his funding's too powerful to get cut off that way... we'll have to think of another way.
PINKY: Do you think those guys will notice us there, when we're here, and, um, er...
BILLIE: The recycled stock footage of ourselves I was able to quickly cobble together from Stewie's files should fool those guys long enough, anyway... recognizing quality characterization probably isn't Stewie's strong point, anyway.
PINKY: So, where are we going now?
BILLIE: Washington, DC---to see how the Warners' trial ties into all this, along with how Stewie's managing to frame them.
(As the bus continues down the road toward DC, its exhaust smoke creates a "scene sweep" to the trial once more... as we see the first character witness of Axel's...)
AXEL: Ladies and gentlemen of the courtroom... (to the Warners) oh, and the Warners, too... (the sibs frown) I'd like to present my first character witness, who can attest to the siblings' innocence, having had association with them in the recent past...
(The first witness enters the room...everyone gasps. Entering the court room is actress, future "Looney Tunes" co-star, and Republican, much to story writer Brainatra's dismay and fellow writer Capt. Caps' glee... HEATHER LOCKLEAR!)
BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth...the whole truth...and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
HEATHER: Yes...so help me, God! (She rolls her eyes heavenward and takes the stand. Harper opts to send in one of his assistant lawyers, played by Corbin Bernsen from "L.A Law", to question this witness.)
BENSEN: Miss Locklear, what is your connection to the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot?
HEATHER: Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday!
(Fade in to the set of "TJ Hooker", circa 1983. William Shatner is overacting in front of Locklear as usual)
SHATNER: The Warner Brothers? Their Sister Dot? Not them again...They dropped an anvil on my head at that sci-fi awards show. I still tell you that my performance of "Rocket Man" was great...
YAKKO: (Right behind Shatner) I wouldn't say that!
WAKKO: (Jumping into Heather's lap) Hello, Double-Duty TV Series Nurse!
HEATHER: I take it you're Wakko!
WAKKO: Name's the same as the condition! Want to go out after dinner?
YAKKO: Ha...yeah, right! I'll escort this fair lady to supper. You like McDonald's™?
WAKKO: I get to go out with her...
YAKKO: No, I do!
HEATHER: How sweet of you two! I guess you like me, huh?
YAKKO: You're a babe...of course!
WAKKO: You're good people...we trust you!
DOT: HMPH! And I get stuck with Shatner!
SHATNER: (Speaking instead of singing) I...miss...the rains...down in Africa!
DOT: I'm going to hurt my brothers very badly!
(Fade back to the courtroom)
HEATHER: They're kind and thoughtful...they have a great way with people...and they would never do anything dishonest. Oh, by the way, I can tell you the importance of that videotape, Ms. Franchetti...that stock footage you saw was used in the security camera tape featured as evidence yesterday.
WENDY: Hmm...you know, come to think of it...the footage is alike!
JUDGE JUDY: That accusation doesn't count...she's not a lawyer, and she has no grasp of the evidence. Go over to the Warners' table!
HEATHER: I hate the dumb blonde stereotype!
(Heather does so, and Yakko and Wakko jump into her arms)
YAKKO and WAKKO: HELLO NURSE!
JUDGE JUDY: No badgering the witnesses...the prosecution now calls on one of their own to testify.
HARPER: (Rising, as Bensen sits back down) Thank you your honor. The prosecution calls...Snowball to the stand.
(All of the people in the audience gasp. Then a few wonder "Who's Snowball?")
AXEL: Oh (bleep) how'd they find him?
YAKKO: I wonder what color uniforms they have in prison.
DOT: They'd better have pink.
(Into the courtroom walks the malevolent hamster. He approaches the stand and the bailiff lowers the Bible).
BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
SNOWBALL: (who now sounds like David Warner) Normally, no, but in this case, I'll make an exception.
(He is lifted unto the witness stand. Then the prosecution approaches).
HARPER: Now Mr. Snowball, have you met the defendants before?
SNOWBALL: (glaring at the Warners) Indeed.
HARPER: And can you tell the court what happened during that encounter?
SNOWBALL: Yes, I was helping Mickey Mouse to sell some Disney Beanie Babies, when those three brats showed up. They dropped numerous large objects on our heads and then blasted us into space, resulting in me spending several months there. (* - as seen in the fanfic story "Warner Academy." -Brainatra)
AXEL: Objection!
JUDGE JUDY: On what grounds?
AXEL: This hamster's a (bleep)ing liar! He didn't mention that he and his rodent pal were going to use the money from those Beanie Babies to take over the world. My clients were trying to stop him!
JUDGE JUDY: Is this true Mr. Snowball?
SNOWBALL: Yes, your honor. Mr. Foley is correct in saying that Mickey and I plotted to rule the world. In fact, when we ended up in space, he Dr. Evil and I devised a plan to hypnotize people using hit summer movies. But then the doc joined up with that villain with a golden "body part" and Mickey left to supervise the release of "Aristocats 2: The Great Kitty Chase." But I can assure you, I've given up my quest for world domination.
AXEL: Objection!
JUDGE JUDY: Shut it Mr. Foley, or I'll beat you like a Detroit druggie!
HARPER: Thank you your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, It may be true the witness was performing an "illegal" activity, but these so called "cops" were guilty of an even greater one. Am I not right Snowball.
SNOWBALL: Yes, these brats may have upheld the law, but they broke procedure doing it!
HARPER: Right, I have a document from the Burbank police office coinciding with that time. And it says that the Warners not only searched the witnesses hideout illegally, they also used excessive force.
WAKKO: Hey, we were L.A. cops.
YAKKO: Yeah, we were just trying to follow the trend.
SNOWBALL: I'd just like to add that those three are a menace to society. I hope you lock them up and throw away the key.
YAKKO: (whispering) How's our case look Axel?
AXEL: (whispering) Pretty (bleep)ing bad, I forgot about that (bleep) police record.
JUDGE JUDY: Thanks for your testimony, you may step down now.
SNOWBALL: Thank you your honor (he gets down and walks away. As he goes over to Axel, he motions for him to bend down). A pleasure seeing you again Mr. Foley, I'm sure we'll meet again, on my terms of course. Oh and if you see Brain, tell him I'm back, and we have some unfinished business. Well, I have to find a way to control the populace using "American Idol". Toodles.
AXEL: You no good lying son of a (bleep)! Get your (bleep)ing hamster butt back here!
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Foley, another outburst like that and I'll hold you in contempt. Now then, prepare your next witness.
AXEL: Yes judge, (silently) I hope this one will do some (bleep)ing good. (Looks at his paper) Lessee...ah, yes, here we go: my next witness is...
(Points to the door, as who should walk in but...Buster and Babs Bunny)
BUSTER: Greetings, Tiny Toon fans! Buster and Babs Bunny here...
BABS: No relation...
(A few of the younger spectators mumble "Tiny Toons? What's that?!", among the mumbling)
BABS: (Forced smile) Yes... "what's that?"...*verrrry funny*....eh-heh.
JUDGE JUDY: Please take the stand, rabbits. (They do so)
AXEL: Now, Mr. and Miss Bunny... how have you interacted with the Warners in the past?
BUSTER: (leans back in his chair) Well, we *did* make a cameo on their show a few times... they were cool.
AXEL: I...see. Anything else to add?
BUSTER: Ahm, um...no.
AXEL: (Rolls his eyes) Very well. Babs... anything to add as a character witness?
BABS: (Perks up) Character witness?! (Does a spin-change, emerges as Cher) (Imitating her voice) Tell me something... (spotlight dawns on her, as disco-like lights flash; singing) Do you be-leeeeve in life after love...
(Does another spin-change, emerges as George W. Bush)
BABS: (Imitating his voice) America *must* defeat any and all *evil-doers*... (pulls from nowhere Lex Luthor and the Riddler into the shot, then tosses them both off-screen; they screams as they crash into something)
(Yet another spin-change results in her appearing as Rene Zellweger, in her "Chicago" gear. As another spotlight dawns on her, she starts singing "And All That Jazz"...however, Mike Harper interrupts)
HARPER: Hold it! Your *honor*, I object---this is *completely irrelevent* to the case!
JUDGE JUDY: Quiet, Harper... besides, I *liked* this movie.
(Harper frowns, as Babs finishes her number. The audience erupts in applause; Buster is mostly in hysterics due to her outfit through that last number, as are the Warner males. Dot merely frowns.)
DOT: (Tries to speak, but can't---since Babs is thanking the audience)
AXEL: (Grinning slyly) No further questions for this witness, your honor.
JUDGE JUDY: (Clapping, then stops) Thank you, thank you! (Clears her throat) OK, Harper...you're up next!
HARPER: Gladly...
(Cut away from this, to Billie and Pinky back at ACME Labs in New York; a TV in the background plays the trial, complete with the security camera footage of the Warners' FCC crime. They seem to be talking to someone)
BILLIE: So, you *will* help, right?
FIGURE: (Hidden in shadows) Of *course*.
PINKY: Egad, hard to believe you were following us around all while staying hidden in shadow-thingies... especially without a flashlight!
FIGURE: Not too difficult, actually...anyone with enough dedication can learn it.
PINKY: Oooh! Maybe I can? *Pleeeese?!*
FIGURE: Erm, perhaps later, Pinky. Now, I think we must help free your friend from those foes. Since hearing about the escape of Calendar Man and Signal-Man from jail, I've been on their trail. Though between being involved with that Stewie Griffin person and the Warners' "trial", this seems to be quite big, indeed.
BILLIE: So you'll help us un-frame the Warners?
FIGURE: Of course. (The figure steps from the shadows, to reveal himself as... BATMAN! The B:TAS theme music plays.)
BATMAN: I have reason to believe that while the Warners *did* do it, they're still innocent. (Sees the perplexed look on Pinky and Billie's faces) I'll explain on the way back to Stewie's lair... in order to free the Warners' false accusations of guilt, we'll need a bit of evidence from Stewie's lair. Namely, Signal-Man's hypnotic flashlight weapon.
BILLIE: How'd *you* figure out he had such a device?
BATMAN: I'm familiar with the way he operates. Plus, when he broke out of prison, there was a report of the guards being hypnotically induced into releasing him from his cell, and allowing him to walk out without so much as firing a shot.
BILLIE: (Something dawning on her) Yes,...yes, that makes complete sense now! Somehow, the Warners got hit by that device, were directed to break into the FCC building, and then after it was all over, were dropped off at their previous location with a command to forget everything they just *did*! (Pumps her fist) Eureka!
PINKY: But, what about the Griffino robot-thingy? It was with the Warners...POIT!
BATMAN: More likely a "red herring", Pinky...
PINKY: Funny...Griffino didn't look like a fish to me...
BILLIE: No, Pinky---a "red herring" means a "false clue". Or in this case, probably sent by Stewie to make those Warners look even more guilty than they are.
BATMAN: Exactly. So, come on...we've got to get that device from Signal-Man, bring it to the trial, and free the Warners.
BILLIE: And hopefully manage to do it all while avoiding facing off against all the villains---plus don't forget, they've...
BATMAN: (finishing) ...got both the attack helicopter *and* Griffino, of course. With a bit of a disguise, however, I think we might be able to infiltrate the facility, get the flashlight weapon, rescue the Brain, and leave the facility unnoticed.
PINKY: But aren't we supposed to stop the bad guys?
BATMAN: Yes, we will, but only *after* the trial is over. We'll need the others' help to face off against the combined threat of all those villains---plus, Griffino, who's more powerful than any *one* of us.
BILLIE: Hmph...too bad you can't just call in the rest of the Justice League of America for help in that regard...I mean, Superman alone's been helping us a few times over the years...
BATMAN: I would, but the rest of the JLA is out on a mission in space, and won't be back for some time. (They all walk outside, and see that the Batmobile's parked there) Get in... (sees how short they are; a slightly embarrassed look crosses his face) Erm, sorry. (Lifts the mice into the car himself, and they take off down the road.)
PINKY: (VO, singing the old "Batman" TV show theme) Na-na-na-na-na-na-naaaaaa.... *Bat-maaaaaaan*! HAHAHAHA! NARF!
BATMAN: (VO, annoyed) I'll have to ask you to not sing that.
PINKY: (VO) POIT! Sorry...
(As the Batmobile roars down the road, we fade back to the courtroom, where the prosecution introduces their next witness).
HARPER: Now sir, what is your impression of the defendants?
(The witness moves from the shadows of the stand to reveal that he's none other than soon-to-be-former WB president Jaime Kellner).
KELLNER: MY impression? I'll tell you my impression, those kids are menaces to society! They never obey orders, they stop us from using stock footage of them to promote other shows, and that short one (points at Wakko) stole some cards from the "Yu-Gi-Oh" set.
WAKKO: I did not! (suddenly burps up said cards) Oh, that's where I put them.
KELLNER: I don't know much about federal law, but I hope you give these brats the chair.
JUDGE JUDY: Actually the death penalty isn't allowed under these circumstances.
KELLNER: Really, (under breath) I'll have to fix that. (Normal voice) Well anyway, I hope you lock them up and throw away the key. God knows that stupid water tower can't hold them.
HARPER: Thank you Mr. Kellner, you may step down (he leaves) Okay Mr. Foley your witness.
AXEL: Uh yeah sure...
YAKKO: So how's our case look?
AXEL: Pretty (bleep)ing bad. That Yu-Gi-Oh card thing may help or hurt you guys, depending on who likes that (bleep) show.
WAKKO: Mmmm--- those cards are good eating!
YAKKO & DOT: We're doomed.
AXEL: Now hold on, I still have a couple of good witnesses left, we might be able to win.
YAKKO: And if we don't?
AXEL: Then I'd get a prison menu.
HARPER: Your honor, I'd like to call to the stand my next witness---or should I say, *witnesses*, if you please.
JUDGE JUDY: Sure, shoot.
HARPER: You three brats might recognize these people---well, *some* of them, anyway. I'd like to present them in here, your honor, but I can't.
JUDGE JUDY: And would you be so kind as to explain *why*?!
HARPER: Well, you see, there's so many of them----I, well...had to rent out Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California.
(Points to the TV screen, where we see the stadium the Rose Bowl college football championship game calls home is *packed* to the gills with people they've offended over the years---everyone from Ferman Flaxseed and Mr. Director to the various McDonald's™ employees to the Disney characters they bugged in "Warner Academy".)
DOT: Didn't I see this bit done on "The Critic" once?
HARPER: As you can see, these three creatures are so *offensive*, they've managed to annoy the public, nay, *humanity* at large.
JUDGE JUDY: Is that all?
HARPER: Yes, your honor, that's all.
JUDGE JUDY: OK, well, I'm starved---so let's finish this tomorrow morning, 'K people? (Bangs her gavel; the bailiffs lead the Warners back to their cell)
---
MAUVE THUNDER
By Alan Smithee, Brainatra, and Captain Caps
---
(Open on various shots of Los Angeles; we see celebrities stepping out of limos, bums panhandling for food money, dancers in the streets, the Angelyne billboard, people in front of Tail O' The Pup, and so on.)
NARRATOR (VO): Yes, it's me, your favorite narrator! Welcome to California, 2003. A wonderful place to be...depending on who you are. This bucolic little state is so wonderful that nothing could go wrong with it...or could it?
(Fade in on a military complex. Various armed soldiers patrol the lot, looking for suspect activity. A sign says "Danger Level-Orange"...a banner below that reads "Hamburger Helper In The Commissary Tomorrow Night". We then see a large chair, the camera craning above it to view two military leaders.)
GEN. HAWK: Gen. Tom Arthur Hawk and Gen. Steven Cane Ullman Demberg reporting for duty!
GEN. DEMBERG: We would like to present to you our latest military weapon. This is a supercopter we call "Mauve Thunder". This baby has night-vision, telescopes so powerful you can see down a woman's dress from airplane altitude, and an array of artillery from bazookas to poison gas tanks.
GEN. HAWK: This thing could level Los Angeles in 1.5 seconds. We're planning on using this at the Academy Awards as crowd control. After that, we can use it for anything else from surveillance to demolition.
(We see the figure in the chair, and it's none other than...)
STEWIE GRIFFIN: (of "Family Guy" infamy) Marvelous work, gentlemen! You know, you are truly great individuals. I think this will be a grand partnership. I'll greatly enjoy eliminating the Warner brothers...AND their infernal sister Dot!
GEN. HAWK: What did you just say?
STEWIE: Stay with me, gentlemen...we're going to have lots of laughs! HAHAHAHAHAHA (COUGH) HAHAHAHA!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in the offices of the Los Angeles Times, Yakko, Wakko and Dot are excited about reporting duties assigned to them, thanks to their recently-gained newest job!
YAKKO: (Singing) "Hooray For Hollywood...That Insane and Demented Hollywood!"
WAKKO: The Academy Awards...I've always wanted to attend one of those ceremonies! Our shorts were never nominated for Oscars...maybe we might get a surprise Lifetime Achievement Award?
DOT: Don't bet on it, Brother Dearest! Thanks, Mr. Grant. How can we ever repay you?
(Pan over to see the sibs' boss, Lou Grant, and their coworker, Jill Austin, as previously seen in the fanfic story "The Faust and the Furious.")
LOU GRANT: Just try and keep your hands off the celebrities, alright? Follow that, and all will be swell! In fact, just to keep you on the straight and narrow, I'm assigning you some chaperones!
YAKKO: What? Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Chaperones? We were created in the late '20s. How many times do I have to restate that darned fact?
JILL AUSTIN: Don't worry, Yakko! It won't be that bad...besides, you should be familiar with these guys...
(Suddenly, two very familiar figures come up from holes in the ground)
BUSTER: Hiya, Toonsters! I'm Buster Bunny!
BABS: And I'm Babs Bunny!
BUSTER AND BABS: No relation!
YAKKO: (Flatly) Oh, great, this should be fun! Hey, Dot, Babs, try talking at the same time!
(The female rabbit and the Cute One try to, but no sound comes from either one)
WAKKO: This would make one heck of a ventriloquist act!
LOU: I've set up accommodations for you at a hotel near the Kodak Pavilion...
YAKKO: (Flatly again) God Bless Corporate America!
(Fade to the hotel the group is hanging out at. You would think it would be fancy, but as the Warners and the Bunnies are staring at it...)
WAKKO: Oh, good! Free HBO! "Taxicab Confessions", here I come!
NARRATOR: The AOL Time Warner magic word of the day is "Synergy"!
DOT: This place looks like a dump!
BUSTER: Good call! This is the kind of place you'd drag your mistress to after work...
BABS: And how would you know about that, Blue Boy?
BUSTER: Geez, Babsie! I'm just saying!
YAKKO: Stop before you start! This isn't one of *those* kind of fanfic stories, so let's just go in...
(Meanwhile, back in Stewie's secret lair sits Stewie Griffin. Next to him is Mel, the "B-Christmas Special villain turned Mercy Graves-esque bodyguard" from the fanfic story "Histerians for Sale.")
STEWIE: How lucky am I. I now have access to one of the greatest military weapons since the smart bomb. No spatial distortion tricks, no explosives, none of their pathetic cartoon gags can save the Warners this time.
MEL: That's great Stewie.
STEWIE: Yes, now I only have one problem.
MEL: What's that?
STEWIE: I have no ideas where those blasted ink blots are! No matter, I'm sure they'll be sent to cover the Oscars, and when they do, they'll find that I have a surprise waiting for them.
MEL: And it's truly brilliant, but wouldn't it have made more sense to send a more dangerous person to the ceremony?
STEWIE: Normally, yes, but I'm out of options. My dear Mr. Corben is doing some hard time, and Hannibal is no doubt helping the police catch some other stupidly nicknamed criminal like "the Easter Bunny" or "Carrot Top." They were useful for capturing one-joke cartoon characters and gun-happy people who sound like the lady on "Body Heat", but this job requires a "special" touch. And frankly, I haven't found any other villains that suit my needs. This operative may be harmless, but he'll do the job.
(Just then the door opens and said "operative" steps into the room).
GUY: What do you mean harmless? Have you smelled my BO? It's so bad it should be registered as a chemical weapon.
STEWIE: Ahh Mr. Dangerfield, you've arrived.
(The camera turns to show us that it is indeed old -time comedian Rodney Dangerfield).
RODNEY: Whoa sorry I was late, but I got caught in traffic. Some guy was on his cellphone asking for directions. It took him four hours.
STEWIE: (droll) Yes very funny, now let's go through the plan. Do you understand what you have to do?
RODNEY: Yeah no problem, it'll be as easy as Nicole Kidman's plastic surgery. Man I'm on a roll tonight.
STEWIE: Enough jokes, go and wait for my instructions.
RODNEY: Okay I'm going, jeez, I get no respect, not even from evil babies (he leaves).
STEWIE: Excellent, now that our plant is ready, we can begin phase two of "Operation: Kill the Warners." (Pause, as Mel stares) Umm...one of those stupid generals named it.
MEL: Stewie, I know I never question your decisions, but do you think that old fat comedian will be able to do his job?
STEWIE: If he can perform in several sub-par movies, he can do this. And he's this story's 80's reference. Besides, he'll work better than my plan to turn the Brat Pack into my own personal strike force.
(Just then Emilio Estevez enters the room. He is dressed in a black costume).
EMILIO: Umm Mr. Stewie, we need an ambulance. Judd hit himself with the nunchucks again.
STEWIE: (sighs) Ugh, you see what I have to work with! Which is *exactly* why I decided to have *you*, Mel, recruit extra assistance...no offense, but you and Rodney might not be enough force for my plan of vengeance!
EMILIO: Uh, what about me?
STEWIE: Oh, yes, how do I put this, *ahem*... YOU'RE FIRED!
EMILIO: Aw, *man*... (slumps out of the lair)
STEWIE: Now then, where are these recruits?
MEL: You'll love it... I've managed to recruit---BATMAN VILLAINS!
STEWIE: (Gleeful) What? Now *really*?! You're putting me on!
MEL: No, quite serious. Actual baddies who've faced off against the Dark Knight himself.
STEWIE: Delightful! No, no--STUPENDOUS! (Giggles excitedly) Oh, silly me, laughing like a schoolgirl. Now then, who are they? Let me guess---Catwoman! No, wait---*the Joker*?! Or maybe that *Bane* fellow??
MEL: Well, um, maybe you'd better see for yourself...
(Mel motions for two people to walk in... one is a guy dressed in a goofy outfit with a picture of a signal-lamp on the front, and another is dressed in a gaudy outfit with a bunch of calendar pages all over him)
MAN #1: Greetings, Mr. Griffin. I am...*SIGNAL-MAN*! I utilize all manner of signals as part of my villainous misdeeds!
MAN #2: And *I* am--- CALENDAR MAN! I utilize all manner of, well, calendars and calendar-based attacks... but I guess that's self-explanatory, *chuckle*.
(*Editor's note: Yep, folks, these really *are* actual Bat-villains! Check out "The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told" trade paperback and various 70's-era Batman comics if you don't believe me... -Brainatra)
(Stewie sits quietly for a moment, then starts to fume. He soon explodes)
STEWIE: (Yelling) THESE ARE THE *BEST* MINIONS YOU COULD *FIND*?!?
MEL: Well, um, you see, the Joker wanted one billion dollars to kill the Warners and the right to off any henchmen, and that Bane fellow wanted---
STEWIE: *QUIET*! (Fumes some more) Oh, *blast* it all! (to Signal-Man and Calendar Man) OK, you two---you're *hired*. I suppose a rank Batman villain's better than the usual idiot ninja-thugs... now then, here's my plan for revenge against those accursed Warners...(remembers) Oh, yes, *and* that wretched Brain! (Walks over to a map on the wall with three places circled: ACME Labs in New York City, the Warner Bros. Studio in Burbank, and the Capitol building in Washington DC, under which a caption reads "Axel Foley's office") Now then, once Rodney reports back to me on the general whereabouts of those siblings, Signal-Man shall handle the Warners. Meanwhile, Calendar Man shall handle Axel Foley in Washington DC, and *I* shall handle that lab rat in New York.
SIGNAL-MAN: (Playing with a flashlight in his utility belt) How do you plan to do *that*?
STEWIE: With the help of that *helicopter* I "acquired" from those corrupt Generals I paid off---thank you very much, "Family Guy" DVD sales. No need to beg Rupert for funds, thanks to those lavish fanboys enjoying that Cartoon Network-dwelling program of mine. (Assumes commanding stance) Now let's *move*!
(Cut to the Warner Bros. studios, some time after the Oscars...we see the sibs walking into an empty studio lot; various movie set lamps, and other such equipment are seen...)
DOT: Gee, that nice Mr. Grant sure gave us a nice chunk of money for going to the Oscars...
YAKKO: And I really liked his remarks about how we'll get to do it again after "he starts doing backflips like a gymnast"!
WAKKO: Think he's mad about us daring that Michael Moore guy to go on that rant?
DOT: Nah... he gave us this great new assignment to write about the lives of janitors here at the studio, right?
(The sibs walk up to what looks like a janitor)
DOT: Excuse me, hon, but are you a janitor?
(The man turns around---or should I say---the *SIGNAL-MAN*!)
SIGNAL-MAN: No, but I *am*---your DOOM!
(The sibs force a "gasp")
YAKKO: "Doom"? I thought you were a janitor.
SIGNAL-MAN: Quiet!
WAKKO: Quiet? Maybe he's really a librarian. (Whips out a book) Can I return this to you? I forgot to return it to the library... (sees the inside cover: "DUE BACK BY 4/9/1947; FINE: 10 CENTS A DAY" Wakko quickly closes the book) Uh...never mind. (Grins broadly)
(Without answering, Signal-Man whips out a flashlight-based weapon of some sort)
SIGNAL-MAN: Any last words? (Before the sibs can answer) Forget it---I'm not giving you the chance to do something all, um, wacky or something. (He activates the weapon, which emits an eerie, rapidly-blinking light; a glazed look comes over the sibs' eyes) Nice little gadget, this hypnosis-light. Now, then, here's what I'd like you to do...
(Moments later, we see the sibs walk out of the studio, waving goodbye to Signal-Man, who's smiling sinisterly, while holding his weapon behind his back.)
DOT: Wasn't he a nice man? He gave us all that info...
YAKKO: Yeah. And he didn't even tell us not to destroy any scenery! Now come on, sibs---let's get over to the bank to cover our next story!
NARRATOR: What's *this*?! Nothing appears to have happened! How did the Warners get out of that situation?! What *did* Signal-Man *do* to the sibs?? We'll have to wait and see, for in Washington...
(Fade in on Washington, DC, late afternoon. Patriotic-type music plays, as we zoom in on the Capitol office of one Rep. Axel Foley. We see Axel's packing papers in his briefcase, apparently about to head home for the night.)
AXEL: (to Mrs. Smith) And tell Daschle to send me a summary on the current Israeli-Palestinian peace talks. Oh, and don't forget to submit that request for more funding for those programs I proposed for inner-city youth in Detroit.
MRS. SMITH: Yes, Mr. Foley. (Pauses) You know, sir, I'm quite impressed with how seriously you're taking your role here. Ever since you were first elected, I expected a disastrous administration, but instead, you've proven yourself quite competent, despite what people say.
AXEL: (Putting papers in his briefcase) Why, thank you, Mrs. Smith. I guess I feel pretty glad to be here... and this really does seem to be more effective than trying to bust perps on some Detroit street somewhere. (Closes his briefcase; unfortunately, his hand's still inside of it. He yelps in pain, uttering a few of his trademark expletives, before looking back at a frowning Mrs. Smith. He grins broadly)
AXEL: Er, sorry...
MRS. SMITH: You know the rules! (Axel moans, and puts some money in a jar on her desk reading "SWEAR JAR"; the jar looks a third full of change) That's a good man.
(As Axel exits the office, he glances at a calendar on the wall. He reacts with shock at what he sees.)
AXEL: (BLE)--- (realizes he's swearing and corrects himself) What the heck?! Why didn't you *tell* me we had to make a week-long presentation on a major business tax break project that starts *tomorrow*, Mrs. Smith?!
MRS. SMITH: (Confused) Well, I didn't know about it, Mr. Foley--- (looks at her desk calendar) but apparently we *do* have one scheduled. Strange... I could *swear* this wasn't the case...
AXEL: Well, we *have* been busy lately---and I guess we're going to be even *more* busy. (Heads back to his desk) Get some coffee on---we're burnin' the midnight oil!
(Outside his window, we see Calendar Man grin slyly at his work of rescheduling Axel's appointments)
CALENDAR MAN: That stupid politician will be so busy, he won't have *any* time to come to the aid of those mice or puppy-kids the boss told me about! Ha! (He scurries off...)
(Fade to New York, namely ACME Labs in the early evening. Inside, we see the three mice---Pinky, Billie and Brain--- are standing next to an open window, apparently busy with another plan to take over the world.)
BRAIN: (in mid-explanation) And so, after we deplete the world of its valuable ground beef production means, we'll be able to corner the market on my custom-made food pellet-based vegetarian alternative patties, and *TAKE OVER THE WORLD*!
PINKY: Egad, *brilliant*! It's healthy *and* vegetarian-friendly, NARF!
BRAIN: Now, the first thing we'll need to do is...
STEWIE: (off-screen, unseen) *TO DIE*!
BRAIN: (surprised) What the...?
STEWIE: (Still hidden) Yes, Brain, it's *me* again!
(Stewie, or rather the helicopter he's in, suddenly materializes in front of the group)
STEWIE: Cloaking technology---very Roddenberry, wouldn't you agree? Oh, and while I'm here, a few more things I'll be needing...
(Stewie presses a few controls on a computer console within the copter; panning down to the basement of ACME Labs, we see a room filled with various artifacts of the mice's past fanfic adventures, such as the intercosmic diamatric transposer, the hypervelocity suits, and so forth. We stop on one item in particular: Griffino, Stewie's custom-built android with all the powers of the "Animaniacs" cast, Powerpuff Girls and Wonder Woman combined. The robot suddenly springs to life, its batteries apparently recharged by some aspect of Stewie's souped-up helicopter, before bursting free of its restraining case, and comes crashing up through the floor. A few more buttons pressed by Stewie, and the robot snatches the three mice in its clutches, before flying up next to the helicopter)
STEWIE: Welcome aboard, Brain. Now let's all go back "home", shall we? I suspect by now, those Warners will have already begun putting the next step in my plan into action---without their even *knowing* it! HAH! I'm sure once we return, my good friends Mel and Rodney Dangerfield shall keep you *close company*...
(As the helicopter and Griffino fly off, with the mice as their prisoners, we see a certain shadowed, cape-wearing figure lurk in the shadows outside the labs, eyeing with displeasure this scene. A snippet of his also-very-familiar theme music plays, as he slinks off out of sight...)
(Cut back to: Stewie's new, hidden lair, some number of hours later. In the main room, we see Calendar Man and Signal-Man kicking back with beverages, with the mice being held in a cage. Stewie enters with Mel...)
STEWIE: (To the mice) Ah, enjoying your stay, Brain? I'll be sure to have the maid leave you a mint on your pillow---a *CYANIDE* mint! HA!
BRAIN: (Scowling through the bars) I'll stave on commenting on your deplorable lack of humor to state that you'll soon be defeated once more, you brat.
STEWIE: Oh, I beg to differ---you'll be exterminated like the pestilence-carrying pests you are, *after* I've engaged in the full extent of my plan! Right now, Rodney Dangerfield is executing the next step in my plan... (points to the viewscreen) Signal-Man! Activate the monitors! (he does so; they snap on, showing the outside of a bank) Now, let's just *watch*...
(We see the Warners head for the bank... only to be stopped by Mr. Dangerfield himself.)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, excuse me, are you the guy we're supposed to interview?
RODNEY: No, I'm Ed McMahon with your million-dollar check! Sheesh, what a maroon...of course I'm the guy!
DOT: Well, no need to get all huffy...
RODNEY: Yeesh, no respect!
WAKKO: "No respect"? Hey, I know you---you're *Jabberjaw*!
YAKKO: Cool... can we see you rip off Curly's schtick some, huh, can we, huh, huh?
RODNEY: Oh, brudder. Anyway, I've got this message to deliver to you kids: knock knock.
WARNERS: Who's there?
RODNEY: You're under.
WARNERS: You're under who?
RODNEY: You're under *arrest*! (Motions to something off-camera) OK, boys, cuff 'em!
(We see from out of nowhere a plethora of officers, SWAT Team officers, etc. approach from out of nowhere to surround the sibs; an officer lays toon-escape-proof handcuffs on the sibs)
WAKKO: Hey, that's not a very funny knock-knock joke!
OFFICER: Wakko Warner, Yakko Warner, and Dot Warner, you are hereby under arrest for a federal offense...
DOT: (Sternly) OK, who pulled that "two places at once" bit on the President *AGAIN*?!
YAKKO: Not me.
WAKKO: (Nervous) Erm, not *me*...
OFFICER: It's not *that*---(annoyed) though I'll add it to the list of offenses. You're under arrest for the crime of breaking and entering into the FCC facility *and* stealing their valuable documents...not to mention assaulting various FCC agents with an unstoppable killer android of some sort...
WAKKO: Gee, I don't remember that at all...
OFFICER: (Hauling the sibs into the back of a black sedan) Tell it to the federal prosecutor at your trial...which I'm sure will be *quite* the media circus.
(Cut to the following day, outside the Capitol building in Washington DC; we see various TV crews outside the building...pan in on one of them...)
REPORTER: ...and thus, the Warners' trial, which begins today, shall no doubt be a media circus bigger than the OJ and Clinton trials put together! Representative Axel Foley of Michigan has volunteered to be the Warners' defense, prompting them to flatly remark, "we're doomed." We'll be back with more of our round-the-clock media circus---er, *coverage---which we in the press have dubbed "Warnergate." This is Wendy Franchetti reporting for CNN... (The camera cuts off) Hmph... this is an outrage. No way those kids did this...
(Inside, we see that the trial's preliminary stages are about to begin... the courtroom is filled to capacity with spectators. Axel enters the room, looking less-than-confident.)
BAILIFF: All rise! This federal tribunal is now in session...please rise for the honorable... *Judge Judy*.
AXEL: (Astonished) *JUDGE JUDY*?!
(Judge Judy herself enters the room, and takes the judge's chair)
JUDGE JUDY: That's right, buddy---now take a powder and sit down, already! BAILIFF:, go on...
BAILIFF: This court is now in session... the Government of the United States of America versus Yakko Warner, Wakko Warner, and Dot Warner, aka "Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana-Fana Bo Besca the Third." Speaking for the prosecution: Mr. Mike Harper...
AXEL: (Muttering) This just keeps gettin' *better* and *better*...
(Mike Harper, the guy Axel defeated for his Congress seat in "Mr. Foley Goes to Washington", enters...)
HARPER: Greetings, Mr. Foley. Private practice has been kind to me since my "forced retirement", but *this* will be the high point of that post-congressional career---prosecuting those wretched 'toons!
JUDGE JUDY: Please bring out the defendants...
(The BAILIFF: exits, and re-enters with the Warner siblings--all encased and squirming within Hannibal Lecter-type restraints. The BAILIFF: releases them and dumps them in their seats.)
DOT: (Annoyed) *Lovely*...
WAKKO: (Annoyed) Yeah... all this from just one knock-knock joke?
YAKKO: Yeah...talk about excessive!
JUDGE JUDY: Quiet! OK, which one of you wants to make the opening remarks?
HARPER: I shall, your honor. Now then, as we know, on the night of the crime in question, well... I think the security camera footage, aka "Exhibit A", should suffice. As the official defense for the government, I vow to put these toons in their proper place, where they and their shenanigans won't bother honest Americans ever again!
YAKKO: What about *dishonest* Americans?
DOT: Yeah..we *did* harass all those politicians once we got here...
HARPER: *Exactly*. (To Judy) May I play the evidence, your honor?
(Judge Judy consents, and on a TV with a VCR attached, Harper plays the security tape... we see a black-and-white picture of the Warners entering the FCC facility, then overcome the various guards with their usual cartoon antics (and anvils). Flattening other FCC agents, they make their way to the central facility, where they proceed to use Wakko's wacky sack to fill it with various FCC videotapes, records, and documents. They make their way out, but are stopped by a line of FCC gun-wielding agents. Suddenly, we see the robot Griffino land between the two group, as it proceeds to use its powers to take out the whole line of agents. The robot then scoops up the Warners, and all fly off, as the tape ends there...)
HARPER: As you can see, it all appears to be a very open-and-shut case. We even have evidence...aka "Exhibit B"--- of the Warners' fur strands, which DNA analysis has proven to belong to *them*! (Points to plastic bags marked "Exhibit B"). In fact, I and the government feel so confident that I'll even voluntarily stop here, and allow Mr. Foley to provide us with whatever means of defense he's come up with. I'm sure his character witnesses should be quite, heh, "interesting"...
AXEL: *Character witnesses*?? Um, yeah, sure... (To the Judge) Hey, Judge...
JUDGE JUDY: That's *Judge Judy* to you, pal! So, spill it...
AXEL: How about a recess until tomorrow, say around 3 PM? I've got, um, "work" to do on that "witnesses" side...
JUDGE JUDY: (Rolls her eyes) Feh, sure, why not? (Bangs her gavel) OK, everyone back here at 3 tomorrow, or *else*! (The crowd all file out...)
WAKKO: (Being led back to the Warners' cell by the bailiff) Axel, you're gonna get witnesses?
AXEL: Sure, why not? Don't worry...sure *someone* has to still like you guys...
YAKKO: (Flatly) Wonder what prison food will taste like...
WAKKO: (Licks his lips) Deee-lish, I hope! (his sibs sternly stare at him) Er, not that we'll be going to jail or anything...heh, heh...
(Cut back to Stewie's lair, where he's been watching this whole thing play out)
STEWIE: Oh, this is *rich*! I *LOVE IT*! Thanks to my helicopter, Griffino and careful planning, I've managed to make those three "Pound Puppy" rejects into the biggest accused criminals since the OJ trial! And we all know how *that* one turned out...
CALENDAR MAN: Um, OJ got off, boss...
STEWIE: He *did*?? Oh, right, right... well, I'm sure those sibs won't be anywhere nearly as fortunate---hope they like having "Big Bubba" as cellmates!
(Stewie turns around, and finds the mice's cage is empty)
STEWIE: What th---*BLAST*!!! I *forgot* about that Brain's misshaped tail being used as a lock pick. They must've escaped while we were engrossed in those mongrels' courtroom antics! (To Signal-Man) Signal-Man, Calendar Man! Find them---bring them back here!
SIGNAL-MAN: (Setting down his beverage) Yeah, yeah, we're on it... (both hired Bat-villains exit the room)
STEWIE: (Leans back in his chair) Excellent. Those Warners will go to jail, I'll have the Brain here to exploit and exterminate at my very whim, and with no one to stop me, I'll soon have the *WORLD* in my grip thanks to the combined might of Griffino and my attack helicopter! Thanks to that hypnotic light Signal-Man flashed on those siblings, they committed all their criminal acts under hypnosis---not that any of those courtroom cretins will ever discover that, let alone believe the Warners' please of innocence! (Laughs some more) This is terrific...no, stupendous---I--I---(feels his rear end) Oh, *blast*! You there, Mel--- *CHANGE ME*!
MEL: Uh...I dunno...
STEWIE: *NOW*!
MEL: Oh, *fine*... (Picks up the infantile would-be despot, and carries him off to be changed...)
(We see the two Bat-Villains quickly moving in on Brain, Pinky and Billie with 3 separate cages. A small sequence follows where they store each of the mice in a different place in the building. We then see Stewie sitting down in a high-chair, reading a copy of "How To Win Friends And Influence People". Brain is in a cage nearby)
STEWIE: (Buried in the book) Brain, would you be so kind as to do me a favor?
BRAIN: As they say in certain vernaculars, "Yeah Right!"
STEWIE: You haven't even heard me out...
BRAIN: I don't need to hear you out. You're my arch-enemy...
STEWIE: Do it, or else you'll end up as a victim of this guy right here.
(Stewie gestures to an anonymous-looking man, a hammer held firmly in his grasp)
PAUL LANE: The name is Paul Lane. I'm an exterminator for hire, and I greatly relish every opportunity I have to eliminate pests. Since you're who you are, I figured I'd use this hammer on your oversized cranium.
STEWIE: Now will you listen to me, Brain?
BRAIN: Not in a million...(Brain glances sideward and sees Paul welding a small nail onto the hammer's head; he sighs) All right, forget it! You win. What do you want, Stewie?
STEWIE: (Holds up a mouse-sized cell phone) Take this small cell phone and press the number 3. A man will pick up at the other end. Say to him "Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mother(bleep)er!"...The importance of this act will be revealed upon completion.
BRAIN: You do know I hate cursing, right?
STEWIE: Do you love having your skull broken?
BRAIN: (GULP!) All right, give me the phone...
(Stewie hands Brain a small cell phone. Brain does as he's told, saying the expletive with a grimace on his face. We then hear chopper blades in the background)
STEWIE: Brain, thank you so much!
BRAIN: What did I do?
STEWIE: You sent "Mauve Thunder" to Warner Brothers Studios. Within a matter of hours, the water tower your inkblot friends call home will be leveled to the ground. Congratulations!
BRAIN: (With his eyes widening, in a quiet, desperate voice) What did I do?
(We see "Mauve Thunder" flying over the plains of the Midwest, and then into California. With Iron Maiden's "Aces High" blaring on the stereo, the pilot gets in firing range of the water tower. With rapid-fire bazooka blasts, the tower falls down in flames and shards of wood. Beneath the water tower, we see Michael Moore yelling at Mr. Plotz)
MICHAEL MOORE: (Played by "Saturday Night Live" cast member Jeff Richards) And so that is why America is bad! The only good thing about this country is my right to say that I hate it!
(With that, Moore is flattened by five wooden boards and a piece of metal. Zip pan to Captain Caps, the author of this section, giggling to himself)
CAPTAIN CAPS: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! Oh, if only it could happen in real life! As Babs Bunny would say, "I Just Can't Help Myself"!
(Zip pan back to the action, this time at the FCC building. Wendy Franchetti, viewed earlier in the story, is going through the garbage bins outside the building)
WENDY: Hmm...laws against reality TV shows...laws against portrayals of TV sitcom fathers as (bleep)ing idiots...a law prohibiting future appearances by Harry Connick Jr. on "Will & Grace"...Good ideas all, but I can't use any of this (bleep)! (Turning to the camera) I know this isn't ethical, but they're my friends!
V.O: For (bleep)ing better or worse, they're my (bleep)ing friends, too!
WENDY: AXEL?
AXEL: (Stepping out of the shadows) You were expecting Garrett Morris? Hey, how's it going?
WENDY: It's going, alright...Right into the toilet! If I can't get anything, Yakko, Wakko and Dot are headed up the river permanently!
AXEL: Okay, the paper trail is leading into darkness...let's go visual. Hmm...here's a videotape.
WENDY: What's on the label?
AXEL: Just initials...C.A.B.W.P.B.B.C.S S.F...
WENDY: THAT'S IT! I know the initials..."Cat And Birdie Warneroonie Pinky Brainy Big Cartoonie Show Stock Footage!"
AXEL: HAHA! That Harper (bleep) is trapped now!
(Axel and Wendy run out of the building and straight into Mike Harper)
HARPER: Well, Axel, how are ya?
AXEL: (Bleep)in' A Great...Now, we have to go somewhere!
HARPER: Let me stop you two for a brief bit. What were you doing running out of the alley behind the FCC building?
AXEL: I was, erm, busting a perp for cocaine dealing...This city is rife with drug addicts, you know that!
WENDY: And, um, I was videotaping it for a special on CNN!
HARPER: Well...alright! On your way, then...
AXEL and WENDY: On our way, then!
(Axel and Wendy walk down the avenue away from Harper)
AXEL: (To Wendy) HA! What a (bleep)ing maroon!
HARPER: I HEARD THAT! COME BACK HERE, YOU SCUMBUCKETS!
WENDY: Smooth move, ex-lax! RUN!
(Axel and Wendy run down the street. Axel stops a taxi.)
AXEL: Detroit Police Officer, acting as a Washington DC cop! I'm commandeering this vehicle!
(Axel tosses the driver out into the street, where he runs to avoid getting hit. Axel hops in the driver's seat, with Wendy in the front passenger seat)
V.O: Hey, who are you?
AXEL: I'm your new cab driver, Axel Foley! Who are you?
(We pan back to see...)
BUSTER: Buster Bunny...
BABS: Babs Bunny...
BUSTER and BABS: No relation!
BUSTER: We're offering support to our Spielberg-produced brethren.
AXEL: That's just great...
WENDY: Want to help?
BUSTER: You bet!
BABS: (Sarcastically) Great idea, Blue Boy! This story already has enough characters as it is!
BUSTER: What's two more?
(Babs and Axel glare at Wendy as the taxi proceeds through DC's streets at a breakneck speed...)
BUSTER: Are you trying to get us killed?
AXEL: I'm still a (bleep)ing cop, you know...it's okay!
(Or is it? Behind Axel's taxi, we see Harper in his own, following at the same speed. He's in the passenger seat loading a Tec-9, while a ninja-thug [in an obligatory token fanfic story appearance] serving as a taxi driver keeps pace)
HARPER: Alright, Axel! You want a fight? I'll give you one!
(Mike's taxi pulls up next to Axel's)
HARPER: (Rolling down the window) Hey, Axel, I have a surprise for you! (Mike whips out his gun, but before he can say anything, Axel's taxi is on the driver's side. Mike goes cross-eyed)
AXEL: "Right Next To You"...I oughta teach the Warners that, presuming they don't know it already.
(In a scene right out of "Ben-Hur", the taxis collide against each other, each looking to beat the other. Wendy stores the videotape in her camera bag while Axel is making sparks against the metal railing)
AXEL: Okay, last chance for Lance Vance...er, Mike Harper!
(Writer's Note: It's A "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" reference, kids! Ask your older brother!)
BABS: Axel, you've either got big guts or no brain...how do we defeat this jerk?
AXEL: Easy...HERE COMES THE STRAIGHTAWAY!
(The taxi crosses at a green light, but Harper is stuck in the middle of traffic after he rushes a red light. He and his ninja-thug driver climb out the sunroof just as two buses crash into either side of the vehicle. The two fall down an overpass and onto a pick-up truck)
HARPER: Great...where to now?
REDNECK DRIVER: (V.O.) We're going to the hog farm...yee-haw!
(Harper's pickup truck driver speeds off down the road toward the DC outskirts...)
(Open early the next morning, as a thunderstorm rages over the nation's capitol. We see a diner not far from the Capitol building; inside, Axel is seen mulling over the "Washington Post"---the main headline reads: "WARNERGATE SCANDAL REACHES NEXT STAGE; CHARACTER WITNESSES TO BEGIN APPEARING TODAY" A middle-aged waitress pours Axel another cup of coffee...)
AXEL: (Sipping some coffee) *Sigh*... (looks at a pad of paper he's written on) I stayed up half the night trying to get character witnesses for today's trial. This had better work, or else this trial's going down the tubes faster than "Saturday Night Live" after *I* left it.
(The door of the diner opens, as we see Wendy enter. She folds up her umbrella and takes a seat across from Axel.)
WENDY: OK, Axel... despite it breaching every journalistic demand of "objectivity"---(snickers) "objective media"...good one... (clears her throat, continuing)---I've managed to find some character witnesses for those kids. Though it *was* a lot harder than I originally imagined it'd be---apparently those kids have managed to cheese off more people than I could count...
AXEL: (Rolls his eyes) Figures. Along with Buster and Babs, I at least managed to find a few guys as well... though they aren't all exactly my top choices. (Takes a bite out of a donut on a plate next to the coffee) Did you manage to get a look at that tape?
WENDY: Sure did---though I didn't see anything unusual about it. Just the usual recycled-stock-footage dreck seen in the opening credits of that dead "Kitty... Wordy... Margaret Cho-y...whatever..." show thing. Not sure what part this tape plays in this whole affair...
AXEL: Hmph... then that drawn-out police chase was all for *nothing*. (Holds up the paper) By the way, your media cronies took a poll---they say 70% of the public is behind this vendetta against the Warners!
WENDY: Feh...polls. I wouldn't pay it much mind--I'm sure those Warners will be fine. (checks her watch) But I believe you've got work to do, Axel...preparing for another "fun day" of playing defense attorney this afternoon. (Points to the newspaper) Hmph... "Warners' Water Tower mysteriously destroyed by helicopter; no suspects so far." Sounds like another bit of Stewie maliciousness to *me*...
(The two exit the diner...they pass an electronics store playing footage of the destruction of the Warner Bros. water tower alongside footage of the "Warners' 65th anniversary special" as part of its round-the-clock media saturation of the "Warnergate" trial...)
(Fade to Stewie's lair. The mice are still in their seperate cages, but now in the same room, as Griffino, Calendar Man, Signal-Man, Mel and Stewie are preparing for the afternoon's trial on TV)
STEWIE: (to Mel) Oh, and Mel, don't forget to make that popcorn *lightly* buttered---I don't want my arteries to be more clogged than the Dan Ryan Expressway during rush hour traffic. And you, Calendar Man, be sure to schedule the Tivo to record that "Rugrats" marathon for me! (to Brain) Good day, Brain... I'm sure you're looking quite chipper.
BRAIN: (Doesn't say anything, but merely stares sullenly at the infantile genius)
STEWIE: (Mock-shock) Ooooh, the "silent treatment"! Very well, then...stay like that! You'll get what's coming to you--- your *DEATH*! (Dum-dum-duuuummm... Stewie shifts his pupils back and forth sinisterly)
(Stewie turns his attention back to preparing for the afternoon's trial, as we fade to a roadway outside of the facility; riding within a Bluehound bus is none other than--- Pinky and Billie?!)
PINKY: (Worried) Billie, are you *sure* that Brain will be OK? I mean, what if he...
BILLIE: Don't worry, Pinks---when we escaped, Eggy specifically arranged to stay behind in Stewie's lab, while we go out for help at bringing down his operation! (Shakes her head) With the number of teenage fanboys buying those stupid "Family Guy" videos of his, his funding's too powerful to get cut off that way... we'll have to think of another way.
PINKY: Do you think those guys will notice us there, when we're here, and, um, er...
BILLIE: The recycled stock footage of ourselves I was able to quickly cobble together from Stewie's files should fool those guys long enough, anyway... recognizing quality characterization probably isn't Stewie's strong point, anyway.
PINKY: So, where are we going now?
BILLIE: Washington, DC---to see how the Warners' trial ties into all this, along with how Stewie's managing to frame them.
(As the bus continues down the road toward DC, its exhaust smoke creates a "scene sweep" to the trial once more... as we see the first character witness of Axel's...)
AXEL: Ladies and gentlemen of the courtroom... (to the Warners) oh, and the Warners, too... (the sibs frown) I'd like to present my first character witness, who can attest to the siblings' innocence, having had association with them in the recent past...
(The first witness enters the room...everyone gasps. Entering the court room is actress, future "Looney Tunes" co-star, and Republican, much to story writer Brainatra's dismay and fellow writer Capt. Caps' glee... HEATHER LOCKLEAR!)
BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth...the whole truth...and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
HEATHER: Yes...so help me, God! (She rolls her eyes heavenward and takes the stand. Harper opts to send in one of his assistant lawyers, played by Corbin Bernsen from "L.A Law", to question this witness.)
BENSEN: Miss Locklear, what is your connection to the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot?
HEATHER: Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday!
(Fade in to the set of "TJ Hooker", circa 1983. William Shatner is overacting in front of Locklear as usual)
SHATNER: The Warner Brothers? Their Sister Dot? Not them again...They dropped an anvil on my head at that sci-fi awards show. I still tell you that my performance of "Rocket Man" was great...
YAKKO: (Right behind Shatner) I wouldn't say that!
WAKKO: (Jumping into Heather's lap) Hello, Double-Duty TV Series Nurse!
HEATHER: I take it you're Wakko!
WAKKO: Name's the same as the condition! Want to go out after dinner?
YAKKO: Ha...yeah, right! I'll escort this fair lady to supper. You like McDonald's™?
WAKKO: I get to go out with her...
YAKKO: No, I do!
HEATHER: How sweet of you two! I guess you like me, huh?
YAKKO: You're a babe...of course!
WAKKO: You're good people...we trust you!
DOT: HMPH! And I get stuck with Shatner!
SHATNER: (Speaking instead of singing) I...miss...the rains...down in Africa!
DOT: I'm going to hurt my brothers very badly!
(Fade back to the courtroom)
HEATHER: They're kind and thoughtful...they have a great way with people...and they would never do anything dishonest. Oh, by the way, I can tell you the importance of that videotape, Ms. Franchetti...that stock footage you saw was used in the security camera tape featured as evidence yesterday.
WENDY: Hmm...you know, come to think of it...the footage is alike!
JUDGE JUDY: That accusation doesn't count...she's not a lawyer, and she has no grasp of the evidence. Go over to the Warners' table!
HEATHER: I hate the dumb blonde stereotype!
(Heather does so, and Yakko and Wakko jump into her arms)
YAKKO and WAKKO: HELLO NURSE!
JUDGE JUDY: No badgering the witnesses...the prosecution now calls on one of their own to testify.
HARPER: (Rising, as Bensen sits back down) Thank you your honor. The prosecution calls...Snowball to the stand.
(All of the people in the audience gasp. Then a few wonder "Who's Snowball?")
AXEL: Oh (bleep) how'd they find him?
YAKKO: I wonder what color uniforms they have in prison.
DOT: They'd better have pink.
(Into the courtroom walks the malevolent hamster. He approaches the stand and the bailiff lowers the Bible).
BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
SNOWBALL: (who now sounds like David Warner) Normally, no, but in this case, I'll make an exception.
(He is lifted unto the witness stand. Then the prosecution approaches).
HARPER: Now Mr. Snowball, have you met the defendants before?
SNOWBALL: (glaring at the Warners) Indeed.
HARPER: And can you tell the court what happened during that encounter?
SNOWBALL: Yes, I was helping Mickey Mouse to sell some Disney Beanie Babies, when those three brats showed up. They dropped numerous large objects on our heads and then blasted us into space, resulting in me spending several months there. (* - as seen in the fanfic story "Warner Academy." -Brainatra)
AXEL: Objection!
JUDGE JUDY: On what grounds?
AXEL: This hamster's a (bleep)ing liar! He didn't mention that he and his rodent pal were going to use the money from those Beanie Babies to take over the world. My clients were trying to stop him!
JUDGE JUDY: Is this true Mr. Snowball?
SNOWBALL: Yes, your honor. Mr. Foley is correct in saying that Mickey and I plotted to rule the world. In fact, when we ended up in space, he Dr. Evil and I devised a plan to hypnotize people using hit summer movies. But then the doc joined up with that villain with a golden "body part" and Mickey left to supervise the release of "Aristocats 2: The Great Kitty Chase." But I can assure you, I've given up my quest for world domination.
AXEL: Objection!
JUDGE JUDY: Shut it Mr. Foley, or I'll beat you like a Detroit druggie!
HARPER: Thank you your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, It may be true the witness was performing an "illegal" activity, but these so called "cops" were guilty of an even greater one. Am I not right Snowball.
SNOWBALL: Yes, these brats may have upheld the law, but they broke procedure doing it!
HARPER: Right, I have a document from the Burbank police office coinciding with that time. And it says that the Warners not only searched the witnesses hideout illegally, they also used excessive force.
WAKKO: Hey, we were L.A. cops.
YAKKO: Yeah, we were just trying to follow the trend.
SNOWBALL: I'd just like to add that those three are a menace to society. I hope you lock them up and throw away the key.
YAKKO: (whispering) How's our case look Axel?
AXEL: (whispering) Pretty (bleep)ing bad, I forgot about that (bleep) police record.
JUDGE JUDY: Thanks for your testimony, you may step down now.
SNOWBALL: Thank you your honor (he gets down and walks away. As he goes over to Axel, he motions for him to bend down). A pleasure seeing you again Mr. Foley, I'm sure we'll meet again, on my terms of course. Oh and if you see Brain, tell him I'm back, and we have some unfinished business. Well, I have to find a way to control the populace using "American Idol". Toodles.
AXEL: You no good lying son of a (bleep)! Get your (bleep)ing hamster butt back here!
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Foley, another outburst like that and I'll hold you in contempt. Now then, prepare your next witness.
AXEL: Yes judge, (silently) I hope this one will do some (bleep)ing good. (Looks at his paper) Lessee...ah, yes, here we go: my next witness is...
(Points to the door, as who should walk in but...Buster and Babs Bunny)
BUSTER: Greetings, Tiny Toon fans! Buster and Babs Bunny here...
BABS: No relation...
(A few of the younger spectators mumble "Tiny Toons? What's that?!", among the mumbling)
BABS: (Forced smile) Yes... "what's that?"...*verrrry funny*....eh-heh.
JUDGE JUDY: Please take the stand, rabbits. (They do so)
AXEL: Now, Mr. and Miss Bunny... how have you interacted with the Warners in the past?
BUSTER: (leans back in his chair) Well, we *did* make a cameo on their show a few times... they were cool.
AXEL: I...see. Anything else to add?
BUSTER: Ahm, um...no.
AXEL: (Rolls his eyes) Very well. Babs... anything to add as a character witness?
BABS: (Perks up) Character witness?! (Does a spin-change, emerges as Cher) (Imitating her voice) Tell me something... (spotlight dawns on her, as disco-like lights flash; singing) Do you be-leeeeve in life after love...
(Does another spin-change, emerges as George W. Bush)
BABS: (Imitating his voice) America *must* defeat any and all *evil-doers*... (pulls from nowhere Lex Luthor and the Riddler into the shot, then tosses them both off-screen; they screams as they crash into something)
(Yet another spin-change results in her appearing as Rene Zellweger, in her "Chicago" gear. As another spotlight dawns on her, she starts singing "And All That Jazz"...however, Mike Harper interrupts)
HARPER: Hold it! Your *honor*, I object---this is *completely irrelevent* to the case!
JUDGE JUDY: Quiet, Harper... besides, I *liked* this movie.
(Harper frowns, as Babs finishes her number. The audience erupts in applause; Buster is mostly in hysterics due to her outfit through that last number, as are the Warner males. Dot merely frowns.)
DOT: (Tries to speak, but can't---since Babs is thanking the audience)
AXEL: (Grinning slyly) No further questions for this witness, your honor.
JUDGE JUDY: (Clapping, then stops) Thank you, thank you! (Clears her throat) OK, Harper...you're up next!
HARPER: Gladly...
(Cut away from this, to Billie and Pinky back at ACME Labs in New York; a TV in the background plays the trial, complete with the security camera footage of the Warners' FCC crime. They seem to be talking to someone)
BILLIE: So, you *will* help, right?
FIGURE: (Hidden in shadows) Of *course*.
PINKY: Egad, hard to believe you were following us around all while staying hidden in shadow-thingies... especially without a flashlight!
FIGURE: Not too difficult, actually...anyone with enough dedication can learn it.
PINKY: Oooh! Maybe I can? *Pleeeese?!*
FIGURE: Erm, perhaps later, Pinky. Now, I think we must help free your friend from those foes. Since hearing about the escape of Calendar Man and Signal-Man from jail, I've been on their trail. Though between being involved with that Stewie Griffin person and the Warners' "trial", this seems to be quite big, indeed.
BILLIE: So you'll help us un-frame the Warners?
FIGURE: Of course. (The figure steps from the shadows, to reveal himself as... BATMAN! The B:TAS theme music plays.)
BATMAN: I have reason to believe that while the Warners *did* do it, they're still innocent. (Sees the perplexed look on Pinky and Billie's faces) I'll explain on the way back to Stewie's lair... in order to free the Warners' false accusations of guilt, we'll need a bit of evidence from Stewie's lair. Namely, Signal-Man's hypnotic flashlight weapon.
BILLIE: How'd *you* figure out he had such a device?
BATMAN: I'm familiar with the way he operates. Plus, when he broke out of prison, there was a report of the guards being hypnotically induced into releasing him from his cell, and allowing him to walk out without so much as firing a shot.
BILLIE: (Something dawning on her) Yes,...yes, that makes complete sense now! Somehow, the Warners got hit by that device, were directed to break into the FCC building, and then after it was all over, were dropped off at their previous location with a command to forget everything they just *did*! (Pumps her fist) Eureka!
PINKY: But, what about the Griffino robot-thingy? It was with the Warners...POIT!
BATMAN: More likely a "red herring", Pinky...
PINKY: Funny...Griffino didn't look like a fish to me...
BILLIE: No, Pinky---a "red herring" means a "false clue". Or in this case, probably sent by Stewie to make those Warners look even more guilty than they are.
BATMAN: Exactly. So, come on...we've got to get that device from Signal-Man, bring it to the trial, and free the Warners.
BILLIE: And hopefully manage to do it all while avoiding facing off against all the villains---plus don't forget, they've...
BATMAN: (finishing) ...got both the attack helicopter *and* Griffino, of course. With a bit of a disguise, however, I think we might be able to infiltrate the facility, get the flashlight weapon, rescue the Brain, and leave the facility unnoticed.
PINKY: But aren't we supposed to stop the bad guys?
BATMAN: Yes, we will, but only *after* the trial is over. We'll need the others' help to face off against the combined threat of all those villains---plus, Griffino, who's more powerful than any *one* of us.
BILLIE: Hmph...too bad you can't just call in the rest of the Justice League of America for help in that regard...I mean, Superman alone's been helping us a few times over the years...
BATMAN: I would, but the rest of the JLA is out on a mission in space, and won't be back for some time. (They all walk outside, and see that the Batmobile's parked there) Get in... (sees how short they are; a slightly embarrassed look crosses his face) Erm, sorry. (Lifts the mice into the car himself, and they take off down the road.)
PINKY: (VO, singing the old "Batman" TV show theme) Na-na-na-na-na-na-naaaaaa.... *Bat-maaaaaaan*! HAHAHAHA! NARF!
BATMAN: (VO, annoyed) I'll have to ask you to not sing that.
PINKY: (VO) POIT! Sorry...
(As the Batmobile roars down the road, we fade back to the courtroom, where the prosecution introduces their next witness).
HARPER: Now sir, what is your impression of the defendants?
(The witness moves from the shadows of the stand to reveal that he's none other than soon-to-be-former WB president Jaime Kellner).
KELLNER: MY impression? I'll tell you my impression, those kids are menaces to society! They never obey orders, they stop us from using stock footage of them to promote other shows, and that short one (points at Wakko) stole some cards from the "Yu-Gi-Oh" set.
WAKKO: I did not! (suddenly burps up said cards) Oh, that's where I put them.
KELLNER: I don't know much about federal law, but I hope you give these brats the chair.
JUDGE JUDY: Actually the death penalty isn't allowed under these circumstances.
KELLNER: Really, (under breath) I'll have to fix that. (Normal voice) Well anyway, I hope you lock them up and throw away the key. God knows that stupid water tower can't hold them.
HARPER: Thank you Mr. Kellner, you may step down (he leaves) Okay Mr. Foley your witness.
AXEL: Uh yeah sure...
YAKKO: So how's our case look?
AXEL: Pretty (bleep)ing bad. That Yu-Gi-Oh card thing may help or hurt you guys, depending on who likes that (bleep) show.
WAKKO: Mmmm--- those cards are good eating!
YAKKO & DOT: We're doomed.
AXEL: Now hold on, I still have a couple of good witnesses left, we might be able to win.
YAKKO: And if we don't?
AXEL: Then I'd get a prison menu.
HARPER: Your honor, I'd like to call to the stand my next witness---or should I say, *witnesses*, if you please.
JUDGE JUDY: Sure, shoot.
HARPER: You three brats might recognize these people---well, *some* of them, anyway. I'd like to present them in here, your honor, but I can't.
JUDGE JUDY: And would you be so kind as to explain *why*?!
HARPER: Well, you see, there's so many of them----I, well...had to rent out Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California.
(Points to the TV screen, where we see the stadium the Rose Bowl college football championship game calls home is *packed* to the gills with people they've offended over the years---everyone from Ferman Flaxseed and Mr. Director to the various McDonald's™ employees to the Disney characters they bugged in "Warner Academy".)
DOT: Didn't I see this bit done on "The Critic" once?
HARPER: As you can see, these three creatures are so *offensive*, they've managed to annoy the public, nay, *humanity* at large.
JUDGE JUDY: Is that all?
HARPER: Yes, your honor, that's all.
JUDGE JUDY: OK, well, I'm starved---so let's finish this tomorrow morning, 'K people? (Bangs her gavel; the bailiffs lead the Warners back to their cell)