The DCU animated films, starting with Superman: Doomsday and
continuing to the most recent, Batman: Year One, have been very popular, or at
least popular enough to continue the production of. I’ve enjoyed most of them,
most notably Crisis On Two Earths, which will probably remain the most awesome
thing ever until scientists unveil a way to create medicine from Steven Seagal’s
judo throws. And with the wealth of great DC stories, I doubt that they’ll run
short on ideas any time soon. However, if they do, I’d rather see them just
make up something (Wonder Woman eats Greek food for the first time. Martian
Manhunter learns to use a phone), then see an adaptation of any of these
stories.
Superman vs Muhammad
Ali
Released in 1978, Superman vs. Muhammad Ali tells the story of an alien race called the
Scrubb forcing Muhammad Ali to fight Superman, to determine who will fight the
greatest Scrubb Champion. The Scrubb use their orbiting red sun to rob Superman
of his powers and Muhammad Ali beats him. Ali then fights the Scrubb champion
and defeats him, while Superman recovers and defeats the Scrubb forces.
Muhammad Ali was a great boxer and there is no denying his
place in the sport’s legacy. However, until his punch can provide a deus ex
machina and turn back time, he will remain that-a great boxer. Superman, on the
other hand, is one of the most powerful beings in the universe, and, if he
punched Muhammad Ali in 1978, archaeologists would be discovering Ali’s spine
hundreds of miles away, right now. I understand the reasoning behind taking
Superman’s powers, as it makes it a sort-of fair fight. However, the problem
with this lies in how it was handled. The referee stops the fight when Superman
gets beaten. Then, Ali fights the Scrubb champion and beats him too. Usually, what would happen, would be that
Superman would recover and then, when Ali needed help fighting a super-powered
alien beast, manage to show that, when it came to pummeling other-worldly
monsters, he had that corner of the market covered. Instead, Muhammad Ali beats
both opponents and then proclaims “Superman, we are the greatest!” He
patronizes Superman. He does the
equivalent of failing Superman on the test, but then giving him an A for a
lackluster Kryptonian effort.
I hope that this is never adapted, mainly because I feel
that, as a puny earthling myself, I’d lose a lot of faith in the defense of
Metropolis if I heard that Superman had lost. If I’d even heard that Superman had any
weaknesses, I’d feel a little less protected. “It’s a guy with a crowbar,
Superman. Check the color of the sun. Is it looking good? Not looking red?
Okay, cool. Just be careful, Supes.”
All Star Batman and
Robin
All Star Batman and Robin sounds awesome on paper. Frank
Miller writing and Jim Lee drawing? I think I just died of an overload of the
message “So sweet” in my brain from just typing it out. Sadly, when actually
put on paper, All Star Batman and Robin fails on a spectacular level.
I don’t know what demographic wanted a comic where Robin
hunts rats in the Batcave, but Miller was apparently aware of it and had his
finger on its pulse. The Batman in this story is not only unlikable, but you
kind of hope that the whole “no super power” thing kind of catches up to him. I’ve
never read a Batman comic where I wished that the Batmobile’s brakes would
fail, but, about the time that Batman lights a group of thugs on fire while
yelling “Here’s a lesson… in chemistry!” was about the time that happened.
Frank Miller can be a terrific writer. The Dark Knight
Returns was the first graphic novel I ever read and the aforementioned Batman:
Year One has already proven a great fit for animation. However, Batman making
out with Huntress, Robin breaking Green Lantern’s windpipe and The Joker
strangling a D.A. just after sleeping with her are situations best left on the
comic page, where, hopefully, no one will read them.
JLApe: Gorilla
Warfare!
Once again, this story seems awesome. The JLA cover alone
with Bat-Ape crouching, Superman holding up the logo and the rest of the JLApes
in the background are enough to make me want them printed on my bed sheets.
However, despite the greatness that is the concept, with the apes of Gorilla
City declaring war, with technology to turn people into apes, there’s something
about this that seems a little hard to promote.
I’m no detective, but, if you don’t read comics that much,
the idea of a machine that turns people into apes seems a little ridiculous. If
they have that kind of tech, why not just build a bomb or a baseball launcher
fitted with machetes? People don’t necessarily understand the specificity of
comic book villain neurosis. They’re apes. To me, it’s only logical that they
want everyone else to be apes, despite the fact that it would only make people
a couple times physically stronger and provide more problems than if they were
just left as humans. To the common person, that idea holds as much weight as
evil Basketball players from a basketball planet wanting to turn everyone else
into Basketball players with a giant ray gun. Wait. I think that was the plot
of an episode of The Super Globetrotters. But my point still stands.
Green Lantern Versus
Aliens
I love the idea of a horror themed Green Lantern story. And
I’m sure, if my logic took a nosedive with my sense of paying royalties, that,
if I had the decision, I’d push this to be the next DC movie, with many, many
sequels. However, a few problems lie with this.
The story revolves around Kyle Rayner saving a bunch of
extraterrestrials from xenomorphs, or, for people who had friends in high
school, the aliens. However, Kyle Rayner spends a majority of this comic having
lost his ring. Therein lies the problem. Bruce Wayne, when not Batman, still
has 1000 forms of karate that he can break your arm with. Superman, when not
caped, can still do everything he wants and then reverse time and do it again.
Green Lantern, without his ring, is just a normal guy who came poorly dressed
to the situation. No one wants to see a powerless Green Lantern.
If they did decide to give Kyle the ring for the cartoon
adaptation, the powers would be so lopsided that the movie would last 10
minutes. Prologue-Help, Kyle-Giant Hammer/Fist-Thanks, Kyle. Aliens, no matter how cool, can’t really stand
up to a guy who can make anything he thinks up into a weapon of pure energy.
Overall, these four stories, while probably never to be considered,
are better left that way. They’re not really that great of plots anyway, and
the best one, Superman vs Muhammad Ali will be interrupted constantly by an
annoying child, who will wonder why Superman is fighting “some guy who boxes”
and when “the bald rich guy” is going to show up, and talk science stuff.
