Synopsis: It’s not specifically a Valentine’s Day episode but since the episode does deal with love and loneliness and does happen to fall on V-Day, it might as well be. Archer gets a call from Russian KGB cyborg Katya, who is trying to lure him into a sexy trap so Barry can kill him, she can kill Barry or…perhaps something involving tentacle porn.
Details: Pyromaniac Cheryl is burning something in the ISIS office wastebasket until Pam puts out the fire with Archer’s expensive grappa – isn’t this the way all Valentine’s Day festivities should begin?
Although it is not mentioned that it is specifically V-Day, the episode aired squarely on V-Day and everybody in the office has dates for the evening – except Archer. Pam has two firemen, Cheryl has somebody who likes to choke her, Dr. Krieger has his anime character girlfriend, Malory has her new husband Ron Cadillac and Lana has a room with Cyril – who is introduced and revealed in mid-doggy style. Archer only has a whistle – which he blows when he doesn’t want to hear certain things. Archer is feeling bad until Pam tells him the third-saddest thing he’s heard all day – that she hasn’t had sex in two years. The other two things involve puppies.
Archer tries to convince Lana that he is matured while they ride an elevator but she isn’t buying it. So, with just about everybody pre-occupied with a date, hologram or something, Archer is feeling left out until Katya the Russian KGB cyborg – and his second love behind Lana and also cyborg Barry’s ex-girlfriend – calls out of the blue to come and join her [“It’s a trap!”]. As it turns out, Katya wants Archer’s help in getting Barry back from the space station orbiting Earth where Archer put him. Instead, Archer enlists the aid of Krieger to pretend like he’s fixing the space station but Krieger gets excited about the prospect of a potential robot fight between Barry and Ray and really does fix the space station.
Archer then employs Pam to make him an extraordinarily poor fake sex tape of Barry supposedly having sex with all the female scientists [“All of’em!”] on the space station to prove he has been cheating on her and possibly sway her to his side. When Archer plays the tape for Katya, she pretends to be moved and calls for Barry to come back to her so she can kill him, get back together for hot cyborg love with him or something else – possibly involving tentacle porn.
In the end, Archer is still left out in the cold and Ray and Cyril wind up locked in the bathroom with darts sticking out of their necks – another typical day at the office at ISIS headquarters.
The Poop and Skinny: Top three things to remember from this episode…
Archer’s apartment has a dumbwaiter that goes sideways.
Any appearance of Archer’s El Camino – even when he’s claiming to be Cyril.
Dr. Kreiger and his anime girlfriend plan to spend the evening watching “The Fisherman’s Wife” and “The Fisherman’s Wife 2”
Barry has grown a beard while orbiting in the space station – can cyborgs grow beards? [or for that matter, dream of electric sheep?]
The coveted TZ Best Line of the Episode Award goes to Dr. Krieger, who must stop Archer from talking about the unstoppable psycho cyborg Barry while he fantasizes about a Barry vs. Ray matchup – “Stop! My penis can only get so erect!”