Synopsis: Archer is sent to the “sun-blasted shithole” called Texas to track down the most notorious human trafficker of illegal Mexicans – the one they call “Moreno” – only to discover he snags the wrong person. But, oh well, at least Malory gets her office redecorated.
Details: Archer, Lana and Cyril are sent to the “sun-blasted shithole” of Texas to try and entrap Moreno – the most notorious human trafficker of illegal Mexicans – who is referred to as a “coyote”, a euphemism meaning a people smuggler [but also meaning a coyote, as Archer points out].
The trio’s plan involves Lana and Cyril disguised as a tourist couple whose what appears to be 1980s Family Truckster-style station wagon has encountered mechanical difficulties. With the station wagon parked on the side of the road near the Mexican border, they hope to lure a truck carrying Moreno and her human cargo to stop long enough for Archer, who is in a sniper position behind a rock overlooking the scene, to shoot out the radiator or other crucial engine part, thus disabling the vehicle and allowing the trio to apprehend the elusive Moreno.
But, of course, the master plan all begins to unravel fairly quickly when Archer learns that Moreno is not a man but appears to be a buxom Mexican Salma Hayek type. This immediately stirs Archer’s loins and he begins thinking blow job and suggests to Lana Cyril that they should free the illegal Mexicans in the truck and let Moreno [Carla Jimenez] go with a stern warning…and a blow job for him. Lana and Cyril disagree and a vague political debate of U.S. immigration policies begins here and pops up its ugly head at various times throughout the remainder of the episode. Archer punches Cyril a few times, accidentally elbows Lana in the face and then fires off four or five shots at Cyril to shut him up after Cyril mistakenly admits he is wearing a Kevlar protective vest.
Back at ISIS HQ, Malory, Cheryl and Pam relate various Mexican-themed anecdotes while Chet Manley is instructed to try and find the trio by locating all the station wagons in Texas.
Meanwhile, back in Texas, Archer has successfully crammed Lana, Cyril, Moreno and all the illegal Mexicans into their station wagon and is heading down the road when he is spotted by two Border Patrol agents [voiced by Nick Searcy of “Justified” and Dayton Callie of “Sons of Anarchy”] who attempt to have Archer pull over until one of the illegal Mexicans – Mama Lupe – hauls out a machine gun and shoots out the tire of the Border Patrol vehicle. Archer stops the car and gets out and the Border Patrol agents open fire with 12 shots but only hit Archer in the back with two – prompting Archer to taunt “Only two out of 12 at that distance?” The Border Patrol agents are captured by Moreno, handcuffed to each other and tossed into the back of the station wagon with the injured Archer as Moreno drives off in search of a doctor to save Archer.
A doctor is found for Archer but it is an unlicensed animal doctor who can only operate while swigging from a bottle of tequila – just the kind of doctor for Archer. The finishing flourish comes with triple revelations: the woman Archer thought was the nefarious human trafficker Maria Moreno is actually her daughter Mercedes and they willingly walked into the trap set up for them by Archer, Cyril and Lana, knowing that Archer would succumb to his hormones when presented with a beautiful woman bearing buxom breasts and the clincher – Malory set up the whole affair so she could use the reward money from the capture of Moreno to redecorate her office [but not in white].
The Poop and Skinny: Top three things to remember from this episode…
Something about U.S. immigration policies – but exactly what, we’re not sure.
Malory drinks either Glenlivet or Glenfiddich whiskey while she’s pondering office redecoration ideas.
Where concussions are concerned – you get six freebies.
Lana’s job description has finally been revealed – Archer’s babysitter.
Krieger claims he is a hologram.
The coveted TZ Best Line of the Episode Award goes to Cheryl, who, after listening to Pam’s recount of her seduction of a Mexican farmhand, asks – “Milk comes from Mexicans?”