Synopsis: It’s the Ballad of Ron Cadillac as the sordid past of Archer’s stepdad is revealed when Archer [H. Jon Benjamin] requires a ride home from the Montreal casino where he got drunk and lost all his money…sooooo Archer.
Details: How do you get back from Montreal without really trying? Well, if you’re drunken superspy Sterling Archer, you involuntarily get a ride home in your stepdad’s 1966 Cadillac DeVille – because he is stuck in Schenectady. See how that works?
Having lost all his money, Archer is drunk in a Montreal casino and calls ISIS headquarters in New York, hoping to get a sympathetic ear from the staff. But Malory is certain he is in cahoots with a herd of Quebec whores who have given him a Canadian socialist venereal disease and refuses to cough up any money while the rest of the staff scoffs at helping Archer and even his own servant Woodhouse [“I own you!”] refuses to assist.
With nobody willing to go to Canada for Archer, this leaves the last resort of Ron, Archer’s stepdad who he can’t stand but who is, coincidentally, holed up in a Schenectady hotel room and referring to himself in the third person. Ron volunteers to cross the border and come pick up Archer but since Archer has also lost his passport, Ron’s big plan involves stuffing him into the trunk of his Cadillac and smuggling him across the border.
But once across the border, the pair still have to navigate the dangerous patch between Albany and Schenectady – which gets even more dangerous when gangsters begin chasing and shooting at Ron’s Caddy [a la James Bond style]. Archer pops out of the trunk and guns down the gangsters – but not before they shoot out the tire on Ron’s Caddy and Ron fishtails off the road despite the fact that Archer has clearly told him not to overcompensate during the swerving.
Archer wonders why gangsters are based between Albany and Schenectady and why they are chasing Ron – causing Ron to spill the beans about who he really is – Ron Kaczynski, a former leader of a car thief gang. Everybody in the gang got caught and sent to jail except Ron [who happened to be getting doughnuts that day] and it is one of the former gang members [Fat Mike] who is after the money that Ron kept from the thefts [and used to eventually start his Cadillac dealerships.
With Ron’s backstory completed, there was the minor technicality of getting back to New York without a car. Fortunately, a trucker stops on the highway to pick them up – only it isn’t just any trucker, it’s the leader of a masochistic possibly transvestite trucker gang, who takes them back to their warehouse lair and it seems to be the end for our heroes until Archer whips out his gun and the site of the weapon supersedes their sex toys…until Ron asks if Archer has any bullets left in the gun.
After running away from the transvestite truckers and then distracting them by releasing some of the money from Ron’s suitcase ‘o money, they board a moving train leading to the Catskills where they pick up a Cadillac from one of Ron’s many dealerships and after “accidentally bonding”, they stop by Archer’s pad to get a tux for Ron so they can drop him off at the opera to meet and annoy Malory.
The Poop and Skinny: Top three things to remember from this episode…
Tunt Railways is where only the hoboiest of hobos hobo.
When locked in a truck of a moving Cadillac trying to remember whether you are risking death from carbon monoxide or dioxide poisoning – just remember that there are oxides involved.
C. W. McCallgirl!
Instead of taking them to New York, the transvestite trucker deviates on the freeway toward “Coxswackie”.
The coveted TZ Best Line of the Episode Award goes to Archer, who admonishes Ron as he’s trying to hop on the moving train – “C’mon! Run like you’re younger!”
Carol/Cheryl’s gypsy succubus premonition of Archer and Ron’s transvestite trucker run-in described it as what it would look like if John Waters had directed “The Road Warrior”.
Ron Cadillac is voiced by Ron Liebman – the real life husband of Jessica Walter, who voices Malory [who constantly is annoyed with Ron’s boring life and suggestions].
If Ron’s real last name sounds familiar, it should – it is also the last name of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski.