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Scientists Have Decreed 2013 To Be The Year Of The Cool Video Game

2013 aliens - cool video game Scientists have completed their research and turned their computers off so it’s official – 2013 is the Year of the Cool Video Game. Since there are so many cool games  and nobody has the attention span nor the caffeination levels required to make it through an explanation of all of them – we narrow it down to the Top 22 coolest games of 2013 plus seven more that carry the double guarantee of being cool and likely to annoy some member of your family.

 

 

The Top 22
[in alphabetical order – so you know we’re not playing favorites]


 

Aliens: Colonial Marines

Those pesky aliens again – if they’re not reproducing in your body and popping out of your chest at lunchtime then they’re killing Colonial Marines on Planet LV-Something or Other. Time to bring in the big guns.

Release date: February 12, 2013


BioShock Infinite

2013 bioshockGoing back to the glory days of 1912 as Booker DeWitt would be fine and dandy if it were the Earth of 1912 – then you could tell the Titanic about that iceberg – but it’s an alternate pseudo-utopian world called Columbia and instead you are enlisted as the body guard of Elizabeth the Special Powers Woman Who Can’t Protect Herself With Those Powers.

Release date: March 26, 2013


Command & Conquer: Generals 2

2013 c&cMere minutes away from signing a world peace accord, the world’s leaders are all killed in a terrorist-ignited explosion – leaving only the world’s military generals [who were mysteriously absent from the world peace talks…] to save Earth from the terrorists.

Release date: 2013


Crysis 3

2013 crysisYou’re still in New York, the Cephs are still around – only now you’re all encased in a Nanodome greenhouse built by the evil Cell Corporation – as Prophet, it will be your job to uncover the corruption lurking behind Cell.

Release date: February 19, 2013


Dark Souls 2

2013 darkNobody shows their faces much in DS2 – which is a good thing except when they’re playing poker after a hard day of fighting off dragons and pulling arrows out of their bodies.

Release date: Winter 2013


Dead Space 3

2013 deadZombies are out for 2013 but DS3 gets a pass not only due to the grandfather clause [this being their third game in the franchise] but also because their zombies are called Necromorphs, which are sorta like space zombie aliens who may or may not be vegans. A new character is introduced – Sgt. John Carver [appropriately enough] along with co-op play mode.

Release date: February 5, 2013


Devil May Cry

2013 dmcNinja Theory’s reboot of the classic game has Dante – after his trip to the Super Cuts in the mall –  as a party boy poser with a big sword and a devil trigger finger battling the usual demons who could care less about his new haircut. Resident evil has officially been evicted.

Release date: January 15, 2013


FIFA 14

2013 fifaWith new and improved feigning injury moves – just in time for the men’s World Cup in Brazil in 2014.

Release date: September 2013


Gears of War: Judgment

2013 gearsThe fourth installment in the franchise has the bug aliens still at war with what’s left of the humans who have multi-tasking chainsaw guns – so you would think that would give them some sort of advantage – but it doesn’t.

Release Date: March 19, 2013


Grand Theft Auto V

2013 gtavAfter five years of waiting around at the bus stops of Los Santos, GTA V is poised to turn the corner as the next installment in the franchise and the first one which will feature three playable characters – Michael, a retired former bank robber who lives in Jimmy Rockford Hills; Trevor, his former partner who lives in a trailer in the desert and likes drugs and Franklin, a repo man who lives in Venice Beach [oops, sorry, Vespucci Beach].

Release date: Spring 2013


Grid 2

2013 gridIt’s not Gran Turismo, it’s not Forza – but with neither of those franchises offering a new game for 2013, you have to do something about your racing fix and this is it.

Release date: Summer 2013


Metro: Last Light

2013 metroIt is debatable as to whether it has ever been a good idea to be in Moscow in any time period in history but it is a foregone conclusion that it is not a good idea to be in Moscow in “Metro: Last Light” – what with radiation and mutants roaming the subways. At least you have some guns and plenty of borscht.

Release date: March 2013


The Other Brothers

2013 otherMario’s lesser known brothers live in the sewer and junkyard and spend their time fighting off giant rats and mean junkyard dogs while their more famous brothers live in the south of France and collect royalties.

Release date: 2013


Sim City

2013 simYour city is no longer safe from Godzilla or earthquakes and you don’t have unlimited resources – but look on the bright side – at least there are more online and multiplayer options Release date: March 5, 2013


Sniper: Ghost Warrior 2

2013 sniperSGW2 takes you to the garden spot of the world that was Bosnia in the 1990s and gives you bullets with incredible range and deadly accuracy so killing sprees can go on unhindered for days on end.

Release date: March 12, 2013


South Park: The Stick of Truth

2013 southThe Stick of Truth has been lost and now the boys and Kenny have to trudge around suburban Colorado to try and find it – all while not smoking pot. A challenging quest indeed. But it’s okay to use swear words.

Release Date: March 5, 2013


Starcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm

2013 starIt’s 2506, you have 20 new missions and you’re human again in the form of Sarah Kerrigan [no relation to Nancy]. Watch out for Zerg larvae.

Release date: March 12, 2013


Star Wars 1313

2013 sw1313You are a young male bounty hunter lacking the distinct advantage of pointy breasts to distract criminal types and worse yet – you are on the notoriously corrupt planet of Coruscant where you must tussle with the grimy inhabitants on its lowest levels without the Force, a light saber or Yoda – to track down the source of the corruption. Good luck on that one.

Release date: Autumn 2013


Tomb Raider

2013 tombLara Croft is younger – enabling her to fly through the air more often and with greater ease, she’s shipwrecked and on an island where there are people with guns and she has a bow and arrow but who cares? Will you look at those digitally enhanced breasts?

Release Date: March 5, 2013


Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Blacklist

2013 clancySam Fisher is now in charge of the Fourth Echelon and that means eliminating those pesky 12 rogue terrorists who have created a “Blacklist” bucket list of terrorist activities. Fortunately, he will have a new killing-in-motion feature allowing him to kill and chew gum at the same time as well as – for Xbox Kinect users only – the ability to say things [“Hey! Look at that naked cheerleader!] to distract enemies before killing them.

Release date: Spring 2013


Watch Dogs

2013 watchYou are a combination gymnast, technology hacker named Aiden Pearce and you really don’t like the Central Operating System [CtOS] which controls all electronic entities in the city like a Big Brother – that’s why you are out to seemingly kill everybody – plus you haven’t had your morning coffee yet.

Release date: Autumn 2013


World of Warplanes

2013 worldTanks are fun to run over walls and roll through hedges but after awhile, you feel the need for speed – and that’s where World of Warplanes and their 100-plane WW2 fleet comes in – 45 million people can’t be wrong.

Release date: February 2013


Seven More To Annoy Family Members


 

Company of Heroes 2

2013 compIt’s World War 2 all over again and you are in charge of the Soviet Red Army fending off and/or attacking the Germans on the Eastern Front – not a good time to be in Stalingrad.

Release date: Spring 2013


Europa

2013 europaWho knew that there was a sweet ice racing track a mere 500 million miles away on one of Jupiter’s moons? Pluto lovers will be pissed.

Release Date: Winter 2013


Everquest Next

2013 everqSupposedly the next big MMO on the block boasting the largest sandbox ever – but all that talk without action only makes the fanboys irritable.

Release date: Winter 2013


Franz Kafka

2013 franz

If you belong to any group of people who are annoyed by reading, cockroaches or existentialism – you will not be amused by the Franz Kafka video game.

Release date: 2013


Ir/rational Investigator

2013 irrRick Lombardo likes his gin, his women and his gin – what he doesn’t like are unsolved cases and ladies who are not ladies. Guaranteed to annoy people who don’t like to think and would rather just fire guns at enemies all day long.

Release date: Spring 2013


Leisure Suit Larry In The Land Of The Lounge Lizards

2013 larryLarry is back in the land of the Lounge Lizards – but more importantly, so is his original creator, Al Lowe – and they’re bringing back the original classic video game and not dumbing it down for Walmart shoppers. Don’t forget to wear your condom for the hookers!

Release date: Spring 2013


The Twilight Zone

2013 ttzYou’re traveling another dimension as a human actor stuck in a recurring role in an ancient black-and-white science fiction television show where you know all those younger than 40 will be bored. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!

Release date: Spring 2013


Bonus Game To Annoy Dog Owners



Mew-Genics

2013 mewCats are tricky. They sleep all day, don’t chase balls, cars or sticks – unless they have done the research and figured it is to their benefit or there is a food reward – like dogs and tend to have daily psychotic episodes lasting approximately two to three minutes which involve sprinting up and down the hallways at full speed in heavy pursuit of absolutely nothing. In other words – they are the perfect subject for a video game.

Release date: Summer 2013.

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