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"My Bride Is a Mermaid": But She Sounds Like a Siren

OMGWTF LOOKIT ALL THIS SHOUTING THERE MUST BE SOME REASON FOR IT TOONZONE DOESN’T USUALLY POST REVIEWS IN BOLDFACE AND ALL CAPS AND NO PUNCUTATION LIKE THEY WERE WRITTEN BY A SOCIALLY RETARDED ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD HAVING A MASSIVE FREAKOUT IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF CATASTROPHE WHAT COULD IT BE?????!!??!!?!?

Oh, it’s no big deal. It’s just My Bride Is a Mermaid—

AND NO I’M NOT ANNOUNCING THAT I JUST GOT MARRIED AND THAT MY BRIDE IS A MERMAID I’M NOT ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO ANYONE MERMAID OR NOT I’M TALKING ABOUT THE NEW SHOW BEING RELEASED TO DVD BY FUNIMATION!!!!1!1!!!111!!

The bride of the title is in fact a mermaid—

BUT DON’T GO IN THINKING IT’S A SEQUEL TO SPLASH BECAUSE IT ISN’T DARN IT!!!!!!1!!!

—and it starts with a promising situation. While vacationing at the Seto Inland Sea, Nagasumi, a middle-school student, is saved from drowning by Sun, who is a mermaid. For various complicated reasons Nagasumi is then betrothed to her, and in human form she returns to live with him and his family and go to school with him.

BUT HE’S ALSO FOLLOWED BY HER PSYCHOTIC FATHER WHO IS THE HEAD OF A YAKUZA MERMAID FAMILY AND HER DAD GETS A JOB AS NAGASUMI’S TEACHER AND THERE ARE OTHER MERMAIDS WHO SHOW UP AND FOR THE FIRST TEN EPISODES OR SO IT’S ALL ABOUT THESE PSYCHOTIC MERMAID PEOPLE WHO KEEP CHASING DOWN NAGASUMI AND TRYING TO KILL HIM AND THEY’RE ALWAYS SHOUTING AND SO NAGASUMI IS ALSO ALWAYS FREAKING OUT BUT IT’S NOT JUST AROUND MERMAIDS THAT HE FREAKS OUT HE FREAKS OUT WITH HIS PARENTS AND WITH HIS FRIENDS AND THEY FREAK OUT WITH HIM AND WITH EACH OTHER AND WITH EVERYONE AND YOU CAN’T BELIEVE THEY ALL HAVEN’T FALLEN OVER FROM APOPLEXY BY THIS POINT BECAUSE EVERYTHING AND I MEAN EVERYTHING FROM GUNS TO KITTENS CAUSES THESE PEOPLE TO GO INTO SUPERDEFORMED MODE AND START SCREAMING!!!!!11!1!11!11!!!

And that, dear reader, is why this review is full of shouting. Because I’ve nothing to say about the show itself—you slide it into your DVD player and hope it’s entertaining—so the best I can do is convey what it is like. And the best way to describe My Bride Is a Mermaid

IS TO START SHOUTING LIKE SOMEONE HAS CRASHED THROUGH YOUR LIVING ROOM WINDOW AND RIPPED HIS SHIRT OFF AND HE’S SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC AND YOU’RE SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC AND YOU AND HE JUST KEEPS SCREAMING AND SCREAMING AND WHEN YOU THINK THAT MAYBE HE’S DONE AND MAYBE YOU CAN STOP SCREAMING TOO HE JUST SCREAMS SOME MORE

until he snaps back to normal and says, oh, maybe sixteen words in a regular voice

BUT THEN HE STARTS SCREAMING AGAIN FOR NO REASON I DON’T KNOW WHY MY BRIDE IS A MERMAID KEEPS DOING THIS BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU CAN BARELY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT THE FINGERS OF ONE HAND STUCK IN ONE OF YOUR EARS AND THE FINGERS OF THE OTHER SPLAYED OVER YOUR EYES MAYBE IT’S ALL BECAUSE SCREAMING IS THE ONLY TRICK THE DIRECTOR KNOWS TO GET A LAUGH BECAUSE GOD KNOWS NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING GENUINELY FUNNY IN EITHER ENGLISH OR JAPANESE AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT READING THIS ALL THE WAY THROUGH ANYMORE BECAUSE ALL THIS SHOUTING IS TOO PAINFUL TO LOOK AT SO I’M GOING TO STOP FOR A MOMENT AND TELL A JOKE TWO FROGS WALK INTO A BAR AND ONE SAYS “BOY THIS PLACE IS REALLY HOPPING” AND THE OTHER ONE SAYS “NOT YET IT ISN’T BUT WAIT TILL I GET STARTED” HA HA ISN’T THAT FUNNY NO I DON’T THINK IT’S FUNNY EITHER BUT I WAS SHOUTING IT AND THAT MAKES IT FUNNY RIGHT THE ANSWER OF COURSE IS “NO” AND I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE EXPLAINED THAT TO SEIJI KISHI WHILE HE WAS MAKING MY BRIDE IS A MERMAID!!!11!!!!!!1!!

You want to know about the stories?

SORRY THERE AREN’T ANY STORIES JUST RANDOM PEOPLE WHO SHOW UP AND CHASE OR FIGHT OR SCREAM AT NAGASUMI FOR TWENTY MINUTES AT A TIME AND THEY DON’T HAVE ANY PERSONALITY EXCEPT FOR THE WAY THEY BELLOW THEIR LINES AND THEY ALL BELLOW THEIR LINES IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!!11111!!111!1

You want to know about the animation?

THERE ISN’T ANY ANIMATION THIS IS THE LEAST ANIMATED ANIME I THINK I’VE EVER WATCHED AND THAT’S COUNTING THE ONE POKEMON EPISODE I ACCIDENTALLY WATCHED ONCE UPON A TIME BOY DID THAT NOT HAVE MUCH ANIMATION IN IT BUT IT HAD MORE ANIMATION THAN THIS SHOW WHICH IS MAYBE WHY IT’S ALWAYS GOING INTO DEFORMED MODE BECAUSE YOU CAN DO THAT INSTEAD OF ANIMATING AND SOME OF THE DESIGNS ARE KIND OF COOL

especially in those moments when people are just being normal and you get to see how attractive and appealing they are, but then—

But then—

Huh.

Wait, does it actually calm down toward the end, in a three-part arc that tightens the relationship between Nagasumi and Sun and makes all the freaking out actually worth it?

NO I GUESS IT DOESN’T!!!!11!1!!!

My Bride Is a Mermaid has a nifty setup and intriguing back story; some eye-snagging faces and some clever visuals; and it has a very catchy opening theme. I really wanted to like it.

TOO BAD IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO WATCH BECAUSE ALL THE SCREAMING MAKES YOU WANT TO SHOVE YOUR HEAD UNDER ABOUT THIRTY PILLOWS TO KEEP ALL THE EAR-PIERCING NERVE-SHREDDING VOICES OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!!11!1!!!

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