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Robert Zemeckis Revealed to be Motion-Captured CGI Animated Character

Film director Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Beowulf, and A Christmas Carol (you know, the ugly-ass version that came out last year)) has been revealed to be a motion-captured CGI animated creature disguising himself as a normal human being (seen in photo at right between Tim Burton (left) and Joseph Kosinski (right)). Zemeckis was a longtime proponent of the animation technique known as “motion-capture,” where a live actor would wear a special sensor suit to have their movements converted into CGI animation. At some point in the past, Zemeckis himself underwent the process, but was then replaced by his CGI mo-cap doppelganger, who directed movies in Zemeckis’ name starting with The Polar Express onwards.

According to the mocap Zemeckis, who has been detained by the authorities while the search for the human Zemeckis is underway, he sought only to, “free my people from mocap Toon Town,” claiming that audiences were unfairly biased against their hideous features and creepily realistic movements. He continued that he only desired “equal treatment with our live-action and animated counterparts, free from bias from the hateful term ‘Uncanny Valley,’” which many mocap CGI characters consider equivalent to an ethnic slur. The mocap Zemeckis also made comments to the effect that he also hoped to “hook up” with the mocap CGI version of actor Robin Wright Penn, as soon as they could create a version of her that didn’t look like a blind zombie mannequin. The mocap CGI Zemeckis denied any knowledge of the whereabouts of the human version of him, often retorting with the question, “Aren’t I REAL enough for you?!??”

The detective work to uncover Zemeckis’ secret was led by private detective E. Valiant of Sausalito, CA, who was assisted by a team of investigators including Ms. K. Possible, Mr. J. Skellington, a minor and his reality-challenged companion whose names were not released to the press due to their ages, and a man who would only say that his family name was incredible but did not elaborate further.

Director James Cameron (Avatar) quickly released a statement denying that he was a 3-D mocap CGI animated character after Zemeckis’ identity was revealed. In his statement, Cameron insisted that he was “totally different” from the “cartoons” of Zemeckis’ movies, and uncategorically denied rumors that he is much deeper and more interesting if viewed with 3-D glasses.

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