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Horton Has A Heart Attack: Eating Whoville's Cuisine At IHOP

Cartoons often have all sorts tie-ins these days, especially when it comes to theatrical stuff targeted at kids. Most of the time, the food tie-ins are limited: sugary cereals, limited-time-only candies, maybe the stray macaroni-and-cheese variant or fruit snack (both in a vague bid to seem quasi-concerned about people’s health, I suppose.) But IHOP’s new sub-menu, inspired by Horton Hears a Who, has to be something of a first, especially considering it’s aimed adults and kids alike. Of course, not all firsts are worth noting or celebrating.

Should you decide to go for the full Who-meal, you start out with a concoction called a Beezlenut Splash. Basically, it’s just Sprite with thin bits of cherry- and berry-flavored Jell-O floating around in it. This shouldn’t be a bad combo. In fact, as a fan of Bubble Tea, I figured it would be pretty awesome. But the Jell-O’s texture is very inconsistent: the first sip might melt in your mouth, but the next sip can have chewy, rubbery Jell-O bits. That assumes you get any in your sip at all. You see, the drink’s carbonation tends to condense on the Jell-O bits and lift them up into your ice, meaning that you may get no Jell-O at all. You can tap on the glass a bit to get the Jell-O to precipitate out, but then your sip may be all Jell-O, and mediocre, inconsistent Jell-O at that.

It only spirals downward from there.

You see, they then offer a full meal, targeted at adults, called the Mayor’s Breakfast. This breakfast consists of Green Eggs and Ham with Who Hash Browns, and a great big stack of Who Cakes. What goes into these Whovian delights? Well, the Green Eggs are only green thanks to a copious amount of overcooked spinach mixed in, which basically ruins the eggs. The Who-Cakes come in a massive pile five deep, covered in boysenberry and blueberry glaze (and that’s glaze, not syrup; it’s like frosting, but runny) and candy-coated rainbow chocolate chips, with a little bubblegum flavor lollipop. I would probably find this appetizing if I were a decade and a half younger, but it’s part of a dish being targeted at people over the age of 9. The ham and hash browns are good though. Well, I take that back. I like my hash browns more crisp and less mushy.

So, lets go with a pass/fail system on these items; given that only the ham passes, we’re talking 1 out 5 for the Who menu. In fact, I think I’m left with one critical question: Who on Earth thought this would be a good idea?

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